Third act

[Sepia]

On a more personal note:

I do not know if you care to want to know this but I'll lay it upon you anyhow. I have lied to you and while I now feel shame and disgust, at that time, I was too fucked up in my own skull to even understand it and it took me three pills of good old fashioned ecstacy to understand it, it took a kiss from a woman I might be falling into a healthy love with and it took a manhattan from a bartender I've had a crush on since I moved to this city, but I lied to you. I do not do these things for you, I don't do any of what you find in or kill me for you, it was a lie and I have no reason to defend it.

I am also not a discordian, I've never been. Not by my own design, never by my own design. What I write here aren't rants, what I write here is the filth that's clogging my brain. I could never write a good rant, I couldn't be filled with the awesome hate Roger has or ECH had, I could never have Cains brain how much I'd love to, I could never find the essence of things like Thurnez could, never would I rhyme like Sillycybin, never would I be funny like Cram and never could I see things the way vex sees things. I understand it, fly vision, everyone's integrated into everyone else and as a whole something is created.

I mentioned in one of my things that when truth comes to you, it isn't the aha!, it's the slow tearing of nerves, the slow tearing of your mind into extinction, it hurts and it burns and this day has been a moment of truth. I've remembered much I'd previously forgotten and will, both learn and forget for the mind is a fickle thing. This board and this place has always been my escape and it will for quite a while be.

For a while I hate you all, because I'm not reborn into godhood, I'm not on the vibe of getting to be the new buddha, fuckit, I'm not on the vibe to improve myself and I have little desire to improve anyone else for I've never seen improvement. I have seen the sheep up on the mountains and I've led them many places but I never lead them to dangers, I've made them see the green pastures where they can grow fat before someone'll eat them.

I'll be going away for the summer but I'll return as I've always had and there's one point of love I have for you here, the same points of hate everyone else has for pd.com/forum. I'll never fit into you in a social context but that was never important for me, all I'd ever need was to see and experience your minds and even though you are not snowflakes, you're gods among insects.





Before I bore myself to sleep:

We'd gotten to that part of the dream, the part I'll tell you that I love you, that part where I'll see beyond who you'd want to be and who you try to be and even though I never got that far in life they equipped me with perfect vision and with my eyes closed I see you standing there, watching on the edge of what you never wanted to peer at, what you never wanted to lift your head to percieve before you try to mirror me.

I was born with an understanding of communication, I know when you lie and I know why you lie and beyond these veils of defense, who are you, where did your personality end and where did your psyche begin? What can change the nature of a man?

The routines grow duller before your eyes, contemplating suicide aged 38, seeing your life up in smoke because you did what THEY told you to do and you've realized it was your own fault but you still haven't grasped that it is you who defines who the THEY are because you're still talking about the boss, still talking about the man, still trying to prophesize (?) a belief you held when you were sixteen and already then you found the pinnacle of civillization and you knew what was wrong and you know what is right and you've seen these answers so many times they've already become fnords and deep inside your heart is a seed growing, that's been growing for all your life since you read the first book of rand al'thor and like robert jordan believed, you believe that time is cyclical, you claim to see it in the trends and fashions, you see everything repeating itself and it makes so much sense and

you never made it, did you, you've cursed your makers for so long, you've cursed those who said that time is linear for so long because that isn't the way you feel it, you've never felt it like that and the funny thing is, noone else have felt it like that because it isn't linear, we were just trained that way as it would be most practical when taught in the schools, universities and work and it is, it is

but that kiss didn't happen yesterday, that beer wasn't drunk four years ago, you'll still talk about those things and you'll repeat them in your future but your mind isn't grouped like that, your mind doesn't work like that because that kiss is the same kiss your mother gave you when you were a wee little one and that beer was the same beer your dad opened in your teeth before he kicked your ass but you'd like to forget

you'd love to forget

a clean slate, something new, for this is rotten, this isn't what you wanted, this isn't what you hoped and dreamed for, this isn't what you fought for, this isn't what it should be, this isn't red, this isn't blue, this isn't green and it ain't yellow nor purple

this is everything but what you wanted


you're too late now and you know, you know it won't matter because soon now, it's here, here it is actually now, I must've been drunk or my timing was completely off but I can see it through the window now, I can see every love you turned down of fear because it might have been the real love and you though you were too young and she nor he nor it would understand it but it's here, peering at us, god is watching us from above and this is his time, these are his hours

yeah, here she comes, here comes the sun

[wade]

i want moar.

[P3nT4gR4m]

The routines grow duller before your eyes, contemplating suicide aged 38, seeing your life up in smoke because you did what THEY told you to do and you've realized it was your own fault but you still haven't grasped that it is you who defines who the THEY are because you're still talking about the boss, still talking about the man, still trying to prophesize ...

You do know it creeps me out when you describe the inside of my head in such vivid detail? 

[Cramulus]

I understand it, fly vision, everyone's integrated into everyone else and as a whole something is created.

I like this part right here the best out of the whole top part

What I write here aren't rants, what I write here is the filth that's clogging my brain.

if your writing is just brain-filth, then the inside of your head must be pretty cool

see also: the last paragraph of this piece. If it's filth, then it's gorgeous filth.


Have a good summer, Sepia.