Books That No One Should Read

[Corvidia]

I'm a huge fan of Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman when it comes to fantasy. They are AMAZING.

The link I put in my first post to the recaps? She explains it. According to her (and I agree) it fulfills every dimwitted teeny bopper/teenaged girl/stupid woman/soccer mom's deep-seated need to Mary Sue and have that impossible fairy tale love.

_{Never mind that that love is a creepy, passive aggressive, emotionally stunted, bipolar stalker and the beloved is an unmitigated wretch.}

100% correct.

It gets even creepier if you consider that

a) the narrator might be unreliable (ie it really is an abusive relationship - beyond the already mentioned factors)
b) the worrying implications of "imprinting", both generally and in the particular case of Jacob on Bella's daughter
c) Jacob is named after Meyer's brother, and Bella is clearly an Author Avatar for Meyers.  For those who don't understand the implications of that, Jacob and Bella fall in love in the series.
d) Combine the above two for a REALLY SICK scenario
e) Werewolf done Ceasarian-sections (man seeing that in the films is going to be awesome.  From romance to gore in 60 secs flat)
f) necrophilia.  Full stop.

Its a shame this series is protected by copyright, as I'd love to rewrite the series where the above implications are actually played out to their logical conclusions (ie Bella murdered in a fit of rage, Edward Cullen as a sexually dysfuctional control freak with serious masochistic tendencies) and see if I could sell that to the publishers.  The same ones, even.  I do know there are Buffy/Twilight crossovers out there, so its not entirely unthought of.

I'd really rather write an awful, offensive porn of the entire series and flood her with it. Or post it everywhere.
But absolutely yeah. The series is effin' weird. The whole birth section (even before the c-section) is utter squick. The mutant vampire fetus breaks Bella's spine, ribs, and pelvis, and then nearly causes her to bleed out. And then feels bad about it.

f) necrophilia.  Full stop.

I have to ask, though. Is it like fucking a popsicle? Vampires are supposed to the cold to the touch, you know...

[-Kel-]

Jane Eyre
"the book of mormon"
"the pearl of great price"

[Cain]

Well, there are the parodies of Lord of the Rings (Bored of the Rings) and Harry Potter (Barry Trotter and the Unauthorized Parody), so why not write a parody? I'm sure these books are copyrighted. There is also something called Fair Use which deals with using copyrighted works.

Both had publisher's permission.  I'd either have to be extremely clever (Ie Jonathan Swift/Voltaire stylee) or have that.

Also, the Twilight fanbase are insane.  And I don't say that lightly.  I would seriously have to consider my personal protection, since people who have badmouthed the books have been physically attacked before.

[Cain]

I'm a huge fan of Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman when it comes to fantasy. They are AMAZING.

I consider them exceptions to the general fantasy rule, along with Tolkein (for inventing the modern form of the genre) and G.R.R. Martin.

The mutant vampire fetus breaks Bella's spine, ribs, and pelvis, and then nearly causes her to bleed out. And then feels bad about it.

For some reason, this sums up the suck of the series far too well.

f) necrophilia.  Full stop.

I have to ask, though. Is it like fucking a popsicle? Vampires are supposed to the cold to the touch, you know...

In the series, they are described as having marble hard skin. 

Also, if he's dead, that means there is no blood flow, so there is no hard on.  Marble hard, yet flaccid.  Could just be me, having problems visualizing this, but I cannot imagine that feels like a good time in any way, even to an emotionally disturbed teen with pathetic dependency issues.

[A.N. Other]

Well, there are the parodies of Lord of the Rings (Bored of the Rings) and Harry Potter (Barry Trotter and the Unauthorized Parody), so why not write a parody? I'm sure these books are copyrighted. There is also something called Fair Use which deals with using copyrighted works.

Both had publisher's permission.  I'd either have to be extremely clever (Ie Jonathan Swift/Voltaire stylee) or have that.

Also, the Twilight fanbase are insane.  And I don't say that lightly.  I would seriously have to consider my personal protection, since people who have badmouthed the books have been physically attacked before.

Ah, for the publisher's permission. Didn't know that one.

Yikes to the Twilight attacks. I might have to watch what I say in the future about Twilight in public.

[BADGE OF HONOR]

I'm a huge fan of Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman when it comes to fantasy. They are AMAZING.

I consider them exceptions to the general fantasy rule, along with Tolkein (for inventing the modern form of the genre) and G.R.R. Martin.

The mutant vampire fetus breaks Bella's spine, ribs, and pelvis, and then nearly causes her to bleed out. And then feels bad about it.

For some reason, this sums up the suck of the series far too well.

f) necrophilia.  Full stop.

I have to ask, though. Is it like fucking a popsicle? Vampires are supposed to the cold to the touch, you know...

In the series, they are described as having marble hard skin. 

Also, if he's dead, that means there is no blood flow, so there is no hard on.  Marble hard, yet flaccid.  Could just be me, having problems visualizing this, but I cannot imagine that feels like a good time in any way, even to an emotionally disturbed teen with pathetic dependency issues.

Just provides the opportunity to use the term "icy shaft".

[LMNO]

Also provides the opportunity to use the phrase, "Just shove it in with your thumb!"

[Jasper]

I'll take this opportunity to warn everyone off Mercedes Lackey. 

Why is it that every girl I date absolutely insists that I read something she wrote?  What the hell is with that?

I have terrible taste in women. 

[BADGE OF HONOR]

Mercedes Lackey also appeals to teenage girls.  I used to read her when I was a teenager.  I don't any more, but some people just never get over being a teenager I guess?

[Jasper]

Ah, I guess.  They were teens at the time.

[Corvidia]

Lackey is beach reading. Totally useless, irredeemably bad, but still kinda fun. Like a twinky. I wouldn't normally even consider eating one, but hell, once in a while that's what you have to have.

Also, if he's dead, that means there is no blood flow, so there is no hard on.  Marble hard, yet flaccid.  Could just be me, having problems visualizing this, but I cannot imagine that feels like a good time in any way, even to an emotionally disturbed teen with pathetic dependency issues.

Everything else seems to flow normally--spit and apparently he has live sperm, since there's that creepy little baby thing in the last book (she's either human or dead, per se). So I dunno about the blood.
Still, Popsicle.

[Cain]

I did some research on this.  I didn't want to, but I felt compelled.  Apparently, some sort of magical venom fluid replaces their blood after they die, so apparently popsicle sex is possible.

This still does not explain Baby-Vampire-With-An-Idiot-Name, since this biology does not explain the sperm, but expecting realism, especially of the physiological kind, from a teen romance series may be asking entirely too much.

[Corvidia]

Right, right. I had forgotten about the constant need for new contacts they have. Venom dissolves the plastic or something.
Her name is Reneesme. GET IT RIGHT _{(or the Twihards will lynch you)}

[Cain]

Dissolves plastic?  Fuck, they're not vampires, they're aliens.



No doubt the Twitards will eventually catch me and put me in a cage, where children will poke me with sticks and adults will throw rotten fruit.  Especially since I intend to find a large enough fandom forum and be as condescendingly mocking as possible, once I get some free time.

Also, Reneesme sounds like a name you don't say so much as slur, drunkenly, while wondering what happened to your life and why you're reduced to writing by the numbers romance with creepy undertones for the easiest target audience in history.

[Rococo Modem Basilisk]

Also, Reneesme sounds like a name you don't say so much as slur, drunkenly, while wondering what happened to your life and why you're reduced to writing by the numbers romance with creepy undertones for the easiest target audience in history.

Renee's me? I knew that Twilight was a self-insert Mary Sue, but did she have to make it LINGUISTICALLY obvious?