Awful Jokes thread (Callahan Crosstime Saloon)

[Cainad (dec.)]

Somewhere in the warmer parts of the Pacific Ocean a cruise ship sank, and all the crew and passengers died except for three people.  Those three were all passengers from the cheap rooms, two men and one woman who managed to make it to a lifeboat.  They drifted for a day or so before washing up on an deserted island.  After landing, they soon had built a rudimentary shelter and found all the food and water they'd need to subsist indeffinietly.  Now feeling much more at ease in their new primitive paradise, they all realized how horny they were.

The two men had something of a disgareement over who would parnter with their female companion, (She cast no vote herself, not wanting to contribute to further unrest), until they hit upon a solution.  Each male would switch off weekly partnering with the woman, thus satisfying all parties as best possible under the circumstances.

No rescue attempts located them, and they lived happily on the island for two years.

Until one day the woman died.

The first week after her death was bad.

The second was worse.

The third sucked.

The fourth week, things finally got so awful, the two men had no choice any longer, and had to bury her.

This is the best thread I ever started.

[Vene]

Somewhere in the warmer parts of the Pacific Ocean a cruise ship sank, and all the crew and passengers died except for three people.  Those three were all passengers from the cheap rooms, two men and one woman who managed to make it to a lifeboat.  They drifted for a day or so before washing up on an deserted island.  After landing, they soon had built a rudimentary shelter and found all the food and water they'd need to subsist indeffinietly.  Now feeling much more at ease in their new primitive paradise, they all realized how horny they were.

The two men had something of a disgareement over who would parnter with their female companion, (She cast no vote herself, not wanting to contribute to further unrest), until they hit upon a solution.  Each male would switch off weekly partnering with the woman, thus satisfying all parties as best possible under the circumstances.

No rescue attempts located them, and they lived happily on the island for two years.

Until one day the woman died.

The first week after her death was bad.

The second was worse.

The third sucked.

The fourth week, things finally got so awful, the two men had no choice any longer, and had to bury her.

Problem solved.

[Golden Applesauce]

Cain, there are no words.

Where on earth did you find that?

[Iason Ouabache]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

What's brown and sticky?

A STICK.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it?

A STICK.

What do you call a cross between a deer and a pickle?

A dill-doe.

[Richter]

What do you call a cross between a deer and a pickle?

A dill-doe.

Co workers asked why I laughed, and I had to explain it.

Somewhere in the warmer parts of the Pacific Ocean a cruise ship sank, and all the crew and passengers died except for three people.  Those three were all passengers from the cheap rooms, two men and one woman who managed to make it to a lifeboat.  They drifted for a day or so before washing up on an deserted island.  After landing, they soon had built a rudimentary shelter and found all the food and water they'd need to subsist indeffinietly.  Now feeling much more at ease in their new primitive paradise, they all realized how horny they were.

The two men had something of a disgareement over who would parnter with their female companion, (She cast no vote herself, not wanting to contribute to further unrest), until they hit upon a solution.  Each male would switch off weekly partnering with the woman, thus satisfying all parties as best possible under the circumstances.

No rescue attempts located them, and they lived happily on the island for two years.

Until one day the woman died.

The first week after her death was bad.

The second was worse.

The third sucked.

The fourth week, things finally got so awful, the two men had no choice any longer, and had to bury her.

Problem solved.

Glad someone else here can keep up! 

[Manta Obscura]

Awful jokes, eh?



Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A: Acne doesn't come onto a boy's face until he's a teenager.



Q: Why could the Kennedys never be boxers?
A: They couldn't take a shot to the head.




Two atoms are walking down the road when one accidentally bumps into the other.
First atom: "Oh no! I think you've stolen some of my electrons!"
Second atom: "Are you sure?"
First atom: "I'm positive!"






A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time. As part of her continued care, her sheets were changed often and she was given sponge baths by a nurse.

During one of the sponge baths, the nurse noticed the wife reacted slightly when her private parts were washed.

The nurse spoke to the husband and explained that she had an unconventional idea that might bring his wife out of the coma. She explained the reaction and suggested that the husband should try oral sex with his wife.

He quickly decided to give it a try, and shut the door for some privacy. After a few minutes, the alarms on the life support equipment began to sound. The nurse rushed into the room and was shocked to find that wife was dead!

"What happened!" screamed the nurse.

"I don't know," said the husband. "She must have choked!"

[Dr Goofy]

A baby seal walked into a club

A doe walked outta the woods and said "I'd never do that for 2 bucks again"

Why was tigger looking in the toliet?
He was looking for pooh

[Richter]

Two atoms are walking down the road when one accidentally bumps into the other.
First atom: "Oh no! I think you’ve stolen some of my electrons!"
Second atom: "Are you sure?"
First atom: "I’m positive!"

I met a chick at an HIV clinic in Africa.
I asked her if she was sure she was clean.
She says: "I'm positive."

[Chairman Risus]

What's cold and doesn't fit anymore?

A dead epileptic.

[Richter]

A small nightclub is looking for a new piano player.  A well dressed middle aged man shows up to audition, and the owner asks him to play a quick blues piece.  The pianist nods, and plays a great piece of music the owner's never heard.

"That was great!", says the owner, "What's that song called?"

"It's one I wrote", replied the pianist, "I call it, 'Angry Birds Fly Into Yo Ass'."

"Hey! Hey! None of that nasty talk."  cried the owner, "I run a classy place here, watch your language.  I like your playing though, can you do any improv?"

The pianist says nothing, but immediately goes into a spirited jazz improv.

"Like it?  It's called, 'Variations on a shitcocking'", he says.

"Your music is great."  the owner says, "You've got the job, just don't tell anyone what you name your songs, allright?"

The pianist starts that night, and the patrons LOVE him.  Appluase and tips just keep comming, none of them expect this kind of quality from background music at a small quiet club.  

Eventually the pianist takes a break to use the restroom.  When he's done, he goes back out, but forgets to close his trousers.
 
"Excuse me."  says one of the patrons, "Do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?"

"KNOW IT?" says the pianist, "I WROTE IT!"

-Robin Williams

[Eater of Clowns]

These are old, but I have a soft spot for them:

Hitler walks into a bar and takes a seat.  The bartender does a double-take, and says "Hitler, shit, I thought you were dead."

Hitler looks at him and says, "No, I faked the whole thing and managed to get away."

The bartender, stunned, tries to make conversation, "So uh, what do you think you'll do next?"

Hitler explains, "Well I'm going to start World War III, but this time I'm going to kill 10 million Jews and 2 clowns."

The bartender, confused, asks "Why the two clowns?"

Hitler bursts out, "See?  Nobody cares about the Jews."

_____________________________________

A man gets called into the hospital after finding out his wife has been in a terrible car accident.  He finds the doctor right outside her room when he gets there, and asks "Well, what's the situation?"

The doctor looks him in the eye and says, "It doesn't look good.  She'll never be the same again I'm afraid.  You're going to have to feed her, you're going to have to bathe her.  She'll never walk, she'll always need a respirator.  The physical therapy will be long and painful, but eventually she might be able to rise from her bed.  You may want to look into hiring a nurse to be with her and give her the care she's going to need.  I'm very sorry."

The man is devastated.  Tearing up, he says "That's awful, I just..."

The doctor sprouts a huge grin and says "I'm just fucking with you - she's dead."

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

What's cold and doesn't fit anymore?

A dead epileptic.

[Valerie - Gone]

So there's this fish in a stream, right? And he sees this fly hovering above the water, just out of reach, and he thinks, "man, if that fly would drop just a few inches I could get it."

And then there's this bear next to the stream, looking at the fish, but he can't get it from where he is. He thinks, "Man, if that fly would just drop a few inches, the fish would go for it and I could get the fish!"

Now, there's this hunter hiding in the trees on the other side of the river, and he wants to get the bear, but he can't get a good shot on it. He thinks, "Hey, if that fly drops a few inches, that fish will go for it, the bear will go for the fish, and then the bear will be in a perfect spot for me to hit it!"

And there's this mouse hiding behind the hunter, eyeing the sandwich in his pocket. He thinks, "If that fly drops a few inches, the fish will go for the fly, the bear will go grab the fish, the hunter will move to shoot the bear, and then the sandwich will fall out of the hunter's pocket, where I can get it."

But there's this cat with his eye on the mouse, see. He knows the mouse will dart into its hole if he goes for it now, but then he sees what's going on and thinks, "Woah, if that fly drops a few inches, the fish will go for the fly, the bear will go for the fish, the hunter will drop his sandwich as he moves to shoot the bear, the mouse will go grab the sandwich, and then I'll have it cornered!"

Then it happens! The fly drops a few inches, the fish jumps to get the fly, the bear moves to snatch the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and drops his sandwich, the mouse goes to get the sandwich, and the cat springs to get the mouse. But the cat misses and goes tumbling headfirst into the river, getting completely soaked.

The moral of the story?

It takes a little more than a fly dropping four inches to get a pussy wet.

Ahh! Mr. Raymond's joke! My god, I miss those trips...

Nice jokes, guys. I like a lot of them. Hadn't heard them before. I have nothing to contribute.

[Kai]

What, has Apple Talk become Spider Robinson's Crosstime Saloon now?