Whoroscope for Intermittens Issue 3

[Manta Obscura]

Hey everybody,

I just finished the first rough draft of the Western zodiac for Intermittens issue 3. In all likelihood I will go back to refine or change the entries later, but this is an okay start, I think.

Feedback is always appreciated.


Whoroscope
by Manta Obscura

Your Birthday Today

Congratulations on being born and surviving long enough to read this! As a celebration of the miracle of your birth, call up a condom company's customer service line and thank them for making a product just faulty enough to allow your conception.

Aries
March 21-April 19

The emerging presence of greenhouse gases have affected the power of astrological configurations. This month you would have gotten a pay raise, won the lottery and had a sexual orgy with three timid-but-adventuresome twenty-somethings. But thanks to your Land Rover you get a ticket for jaywalking, a repossessed car and a case of the clap.

Taurus
April 20-May 20

You have never satisfied your lover sexually, and they are waiting until after Valentine's Day to dump you so they can benefit from the full present-giving experience.

Don't put too much effort into those "free erotic massage" coupons.

Gemini
May 21-June 20

I see what you did there. Stop reading this in the bathroom and have some self-respect.

Cancer
June 21-July 22

Your sign still sucks. Seriously, kill yourself.

Leo
July 23-August 22

It's not yours. Let's just say that she gets a special deal on home-delivered dairy products.

Virgo
August 23-September 22

My spiritual guides are telling me to tell you that now is the time to take chances with new start-up business endeavors. I say go for it. I mean, hell, it's not my money, what do I care?

Libra
September 23-October 22

The lack of success you have with romantic relationships has less to do with the exerted power of astrological bodies upon your life, and more to do with the fact that you're an insecure, domineering asshole.

Scorpio
October 23-November 21

On December 31, 2012, the world is going to come to an end. For serious. Nostradamus predicted it and shit.

Tell your friends.

Sagittarius
November 22-December 21

Stop making jokes about fruitcake during the holiday season. Just. Fucking. Stop. It.

That shit is good.

Capricorn
December 22-January 19

The homeless guy on the corner of Fifth and Vine is the spiritual advisor you've been searching for. Go and meet him.

The code phrase is, "If it's yellow, let it mellow."

Aquarius
January 20-February 18

You and everyone you love will one day die and rot in the ground, never knowing any permanent joy or obtaining the oft-sought Paradise for which you'd hoped. As your body crumbles and society's memory of you slips away, the stars shall ever shine their cold light upon your cursed descendents, who will walk the earth with the same futile hopes you once held in this godless universe.

Have a nice day.

Pisces
February 19-March 20

You're astrological sign's name can be rearranged to spell "spices." This is widely-regarded as the only interesting or noteworthy thing that can be claimed about anyone born under this sign.

[Jenne]

Cancer
June 21-July 22

Your sign still sucks. Seriously, kill yourself.

[Manta Obscura]

Cancer
June 21-July 22

Your sign still sucks. Seriously, kill yourself.

Awww, don't cry, Jenne. When's your birthday? I'll change the dates to make sure yours is not included in Cancer any more. Barring that, I will amend a copy that I send to you to note that this does not apply to you. 

[Jenne]

Cancer
June 21-July 22

Your sign still sucks. Seriously, kill yourself.

Awww, don't cry, Jenne. When's your birthday? I'll change the dates to make sure yours is not included in Cancer any more. Barring that, I will amend a copy that I send to you to note that this does not apply to you. 

It's ok.  I was just pretending to be emo.  Keep it!  It actually fits as my horoscope is usually really eh most of the time, anyway. 

You should do a kysftb rotation on them, all though. 

[Jenne]

Oh my birfday is 6/30

[Manta Obscura]

Discordian Whoroscope finished!

Note: I have made changes to this one. Last issue I made the Discordian Whoroscope pretty close to the Western one, and both just ended up being sort of silly. This time around, I tried making the Discordian one have more of a sincere message giving actual advice, but in a (hopefully) interesting way.

The descriptions of the Discordian signs are still silly. Thanks to vex for picking them out.



Discordian Whoroscope
by Manta Obscura

Yeti
January 1 – May 26

As we head into the new year, make note of the fact that the beginning of the Gregorian calendar year is an arbitrary designation and, as such, there is no reason to commit yourself to giving up booze/smoking/other wholesome vices for your resolution just yet. Wait until the Chinese New Year and live it up during the cold, hard January.

Tube Sock
May 27 – May 29

Correlation does not equal causation. The news poll on Channel 5 is lying to you.

Preacher
May 30 – August 16

Once, in a fit of mysticism-induced euphoria or something, I bought a copy of Lao Tse's "Tao Te Ching." Turning to a random page, I read the horribly translated phrase, "The Tao that can be taoed is not the true Tao."

The moral of the story: all the wisdom of the sages means nothing if it is not made relevant to your life or what you can understand.

Fairy
August 17 – December 23; December 26 – December 31

Once and forever upon a time, there was a man who was born, lived, died, and was then forgotten.

Don't let it be you.

Republican
December 24 – December 25

You won't find what you're looking for here. Put the paper down and go for a walk. Tap your toes to music. Smile at strangers. Learn to dance.









Yeti
Those born under the sign of the Yeti tend to be musically-inclined and lovers of art. Though sometimes brash and quick-tempered, their delicate analytical skills help to balance their passionate tendencies.

Tube Sock
Tube Socks are often what others would call "oddballs," both figuratively and literally. As such, they tend to behave in strange ways, and often have inferiority complexes relating to their genitalia.

Preacher
Preachers are generally quiet and introverted, preferring quiet, logical analysis to outspoken idealism. This can sometimes lead to conflicts with the more zealous Yetis.

Fairy
Fairies are mythological creatures who owe their loyalty to Maab, Titania and Auberon, among others. They love having stories written about them, and have a special fetish for Lewis Carroll and J.M. Barre.

Republican
By dint of their birthday, Republicans are all symbolically connected to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and are thus impervious to all forms of physical attack except martyrdom.