Sicker and Sicker

[Cramulus]

I'm in a funk right now. Allow me to spew about it... maybe conceptualizing it will give me a toe-hold.





Some people would point out that it's because my biosurvival has fallen into question. The foundation of my whole Maslow-Hierarchy-Of-Needs is unsteady and that puts everything into question. I can't possibly build the top bricks of happiness because money is on the table. And we all know that a dollar has a lot more tangible value to our wellbeing than the insignificant amount of economic freedom it represents.

It makes me sick, you know? To think that engaging in any of this so-called subversive thought, this so-called reality hacking, has any power higher than self delusion. Maybe we can make a beautiful, dynamic illusionary world and go live there, but at the end of the day, if paycheck is short, we're still stuck, suffocating in our lives. If all the promises of the self-proclaimed Awakened fall short, and all the promises of those circle-jerkers in the sixtiest fall short, and all the culture is moving too fast and too steady to be jammed, where does that leave us? Individuals, powerless in the face of the wild, heaving ocean.

I admit it, I sold myself to the revolution and at the moment I'm nauseated by it. I can't go forward with the personal revolution because I'm living in a low quality existence. I know money's not supposed to be important, but I'm sick of living in the ghetto, I want to be out of debt, I want to send my hypothetical kids to a good school. But it seems like there's absolutely no way to do that without selling out and making myself into some sort of super-consumer. A salesman with a suicidal grin. He's selling himself to the highest bidder but he doesn't really believe in the product.

I wish I could get out of it, and get back to having the Authentic Experience. Now my friends, when they have time to be my friends, sit around and talk about the fun we used to have. Now coming home and kissing my beautiful girlfriend has become routine, cliche, divested of life.

Years ago, a piece of driftwood floated by, and there was a message written on it in my handwriting. It said, "Ignite Yourself -- while there's still time!" And with Eris as my witness, I did. I read everything cool I could get my hands on. I dressed up like a crazy person and went out into the pedestrian traffic jam and put my weird out there like weirdbait, hanging out of my pants like I was trophy fishing. And for a while it seemed like it was working.

But then something happened - or rather, it didn't happen. There were some little victories, but I got sucked back into the rut, the cyclical chase of debt and redemption, just drifting and having nothing to be proud of. I feel like I'm buried under all this inertia and I have no motivation to crawl back out. I need new friends, I need a new job, and I need to reprioritize my life. I think. Right now I'm all locked up in the black iron prison and I don't fucking care about anything.

I guess I'm in search of the Authentic Experience and I'm just not looking very hard. Because I'm just a consumer right now, a restless, malfunctioning unit of our economy. It seems like all my problems could be solved with more money. And there's a rebellious sixteen year old deep in me that is fucking pissed off at the cabbage I'm becoming.

My motto used to be "If you're bored, you're boring". But at the present, I have never been more bored in my life. All the rewards that culture has to offer - family, inner peace, comfort, prestige - it all seems hollow and meaningless. Like I'm burning myself up to reach financial stability, but upon closer inpsection, the carrot at the end of the stick is a rotten turd. I don't want to do anything but lie down in bed and close my eyes for about ten or fifteen years. I'm disgusted with society, but especially with myself. Maybe I'm just seeing the worst parts of society reflected in myself right now, but I'm tired as hell, and I'm just going to roll over and take it.

There is no better alternative to participation in this sick nightmare. Let's be honest - I can't just go Kerouac and jump a boxcar to freedom. Part of the problem is that I sold myself on this fabulously exciting lifestyle, full of action and weirdness. It was a speed I can't keep up. Some kid will say "I heard you used to be cooler."

I don't understand what the next step is. I'm told that I should try to maneuver myself out of depression, but I'd rather get stoned off my ass and watch Family Guy reruns. And click refresh on the craigslist job section.

It just makes you sicker and sicker every day until you just can't take it anymore.

[East Coast Hustle]

allow me to reassure you that there can be financial freedom in a rootless mercenary life.

but yeah, I hear what you're saying.

[Sir Squid Diddimus]

get out of my head

no joke dude. i feel so much the same way you do that i could've written this a year ago. instead i just gave up, died a little inside and kept going to work.
cause i suck and i have to. and i hate it.

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

I can so feel where you are coming from with this. 

I'm lucky that I have a job and I will keep it if it kills me, but I'm still struggling daily. 

My friends and I have sat around and thrown about the old commune idea. 

My sister says I have to be completely "off the grid" by the end of 2010 or else.  She won't go into details with that, but her ex is into some weird shit in the military sooooo....  I've been looking at land in IL, it's one of the few places this far east that allows you to drill and use your own natural gas.  It still allows windmill use and encourages solar energy.  Land is pretty cheap.  Nothing compared to out west, but I don't know if I can get that far away fromt he east coast.



Just so you know, I'm here in St. Louis, so if anyone needs a place to crash while job searching, I'm cool with that if you can handle being around my annoying children!!

[Thurnez Isa]

 




also
hope you work things out man

[Cain]

I was there about three months ago.  Until I started my subversion.

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

So, let me get this straight:

You decided to go explore what different things you might be able to do in your life and thus far, you seem to have succeeded. I could say that you have polished your Chao Creds, brought several interesting projects to fruition, influenced the thinking of *insert number here* people that you have never physically met... and you're not even 30 yet. RAW had no IDEA what his head was about to do at your age... he was just some poor cabbage trying to get by.

Now, rather than leading the charge on a TV Personality Jake, or founding a new Discordian project meme, or starting an online magazine... you're dealing with figuring out how to secure your bio-survival. It may not be your favorite activity, but since Eris K. Discordia, disguised as a Black Swan has taken a firm hand upon the treasury,  turned the banks on their ears and knocked the legs out from under many corporations... you don't necessarily have a lot of choice. She has brought about Chaos, Discord, Confusion... and at some point there will be Aftermath. Perhaps we have suddenly had to switch gears from 99% play to 75% work... but that doesn't have to mean that you are trapped or free or any different than before. None of us really ever understand what the next step is until we're halfway down the path... and then we only know what the 'next step' was.

My dear Cramulus, do not despair, you are still on the road to adventure.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Welcome to the real world^tm

On one hand it's not as freedom as you want it to be, majority rules and the majority are blind fucking idiots with no imagination.

On the other hand the rules are only as good as the enforcement and there's endless shits and giggles to be had both in the mire and on the fringes.

What you're feeling is the death of idealism. It might hurt like a sonofabitch but it's more important that you lose that than it was when you lost your baby teeth. Hang on to it too long and it'll kill you for sure. Idealism is what makes people fly planes full of passengers into buildings full of infidels.

This aint your machine, it aint up to you to fix it. Just concentrate on being your own favourite idiot and accept the opposition as part of the adventure. For some reason that's harder to swallow when applied to something like a society than it is when applied to something like gravity or thermodynamics.

You gotta eat and putting on a dumb costume and trying not to lapse into a coma for 8 hours a day is what you have to go through to do it. It's just a game, those are the rules and many can be bent or broken but you have to play it, otherwise what the fuck else are you going to do with all this time?

Oh and one more thing - you're not alone. The older bitter ones have been there and the younger and more naive are going to be bitching and whining about it soon enough. Whatever you do - don't let the bastards grind you down.

[AFK]

Determined, patient, persistance. 

I am comfortable with where I am now but I've been where you are Cram.  I didn't think I'd ever get to a point where I would feel some level of personal satisfaction from the professional AND personal sides of things.  There are still things I haven't done yet that I would still like to be able to do someday.  Like, be in a real band, and not just a one-man band. 

The economy is rough right now.  It's reach is long.  But I feel that it will eventually change and opportunities will rise anew.  You just gotta find the small victories along the way to keep you going. 

Sorry if any of that sounds trite and cliche. 

[Raphaella]

  I know where you are coming from Cram. I deal with this shit every other week or so. Tim gets like this often enough that I have run out of ways to make him feel any better. The only thing that even remotely works is reminding him that we have no kids, no real debt other than his school loan, and that we could always sell everything we own and go live in the fucking woods.

We are constantly trying to shake off this funk, but it all comes back to, "If only I was independently wealthy."

[Precious Moments Zalgo]

This aint your machine, it aint up to you to fix it. Just concentrate on being your own favourite idiot and accept the opposition as part of the adventure. For some reason that's harder to swallow when applied to something like a society than it is when applied to something like gravity or thermodynamics.

You gotta eat and putting on a dumb costume and trying not to lapse into a coma for 8 hours a day is what you have to go through to do it. It's just a game, those are the rules and many can be bent or broken but you have to play it, otherwise what the fuck else are you going to do with all this time?

I was going to say something along those lines. 

It sucks, but unless one is particularly clever*, there's not really any good way to get out of working for a living.  I'm not that clever, so the best I can do is try to keep my mind free, stay conscious of the fact that I'm trading away a lot of my slack, and try not to let myself get corrupted.  I'd love to have a lot more free time, but having a roof over my head and health insurance is even more important to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIuGS5Y119A
I do feel a lot like the guy about whom that song was written and that sucks.

Oh wait, I was supposed to be trying to make Cramulus feel better and instead made myself feel worse.

*Edited to add: should have said, unless one is particularly clever, independently wealthy, willing to live on scraps, or willing to screw others over for a living.

[East Coast Hustle]

Cramulus, if you are feeling particularly clever AND willing to screw others over for a living, I may have something for you.

[Cramulus]

someone said, "You've just gotta find work you enjoy."

I said, "That's a nice thought, but I don't think enjoyment is even on the table. At this point it's about survival."

Well it's not that grim yet, but I do think finding work "that I like" is a time wasting red herring. It's like applying to a grad school where they accept 1 out of every 200 applicants. Sure, it'd be nice, but why waste your resources on a losing lottery?

Whatcha got, ECH? I'm open to suggestions.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

It just makes you sicker and sicker every day until you just can't take it anymore.

SHIT YOUR HATE OR YOU WILL DIE!

Goddamn, Cram...did you think that was just a cute one-liner?  That's LIFE, m'boy, and it only gets more fucked up from here on out.  You either learn to laugh at it, shit all over it, or you explode one day and your neighbors are on teevee saying how you were always a quiet one...PUKE OUT THE POISON OR DIE.  You have no other options.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

someone said, "You've just gotta find work you enjoy."

First find work that pays you money.  Then you won't die of starvation while you look for work that nutures your inner child or whatever the hell.  Try 7-11.  Go for graveyard shift.  You meet the nicest people, who hardly ever collapse and piss themselves on the floor.