New Testament?

[Corvidia]

1 And Lo, did I awaken; and opened my eyes, which were mine; and I grew afraid. 2 O LORD! What is this place I did awaken! My eyes, which are mine, see naught but walls around me! 3 And my body was surrounded by iron bars that were like bars, made of iron. 4 And through the gaps in the bars I could see paradise; for it was paradise; and lo, paradise it was. 5 I waxed wroth at the sight, and shook my fist with fury and wrath, I waxed. 6 On, I waxed, and off.  I waxed on, and I waxed off. 7 Having waxed off, I became filled with calm, and I spoke unto the heaven, "anyone got a wet-nap?" 8 And an angel spoke unto me, speaking; and he spake thus: Was That Really Necessary? 9 Nay! I cried, tell me, what are these black bars of iron which are black and irony? 10 And the angel dost say, "I Dunno, You Built It."

Right on, man! Great stuff.

[LMNO]

The Sermon of Graud (or Gruad, depending on your translation of some of the secret letters of the True Alphabet)

1 O my children, I see the vastness of the Universe before me. 2 Whoa. 3 It's really fucking big. 4 But in these swirling masses, brethren of mine, 5 (who are my brethren) 6 I see the patterns emerging from the Chaos. 7 No, over there. 8 Over there, dummy. 9 These patterns, my children, these potent portents, they shall lead us from the confusion that surrounds us! 10 Truly, when Order can lift itself from Chaos, it proves that the Order we find in the Universe is greater than all else.  11 We must dedicate ourselves to the Order, we must seek it out wherever it may be, from the smallest to the greatest. 12 No, from this point over to that one. 13 What, are you blind? 14 No, I'm not 'making this up as I go along'! 15 O my children, let this all-pervasive Order guide you in your lives. 16 Give not yourselves into the sloth of Disorder; the ragged irrational Chaos. 17 For Chaos is a dumb brute, blindly swallowing worlds without a thought. 18 For Chaos has no thought, it has no structure, it has no pattern.  19 There is nothing in Chaos that shows itself as having a design, or a plan. 20 Far better for us, my brethren, to follow the ways of Order, and Intelligence; for the other way lies madness. 21 What do you mean, you still can't see it? 22 I swear, I can't take you anywhere. 23 You know what, we should just go.

[hooplala]

This is good shit guys.  I will have to get some in since I thought the damn thing up... why do I always make more work for myself?

[hooplala]

A slight reworking of an older piece of writing:


THE GOSPEL OF HOOPLA

CHAPTER ONE

1. The book of the generations of the unfortunately named Oxo Prim the Fowler; the son of Dorko, the son of Camel Toe.

2. Camel Toe begat Slappy; and Slappy begat Little Ron-Ron; and Little Ron-Ron begat Big Horse; Big Horse begat Ozias; Ozias begat One-Eye and his brethren;

3. And One-Eye begat Ostrich Boy; and Ostrich Boy begat Susan; and Susan begat Wiley Willie; and Wiley Willie begat the Hamhock; and the Hamhock begat Little Zeke of her that had been the wife of Uranass;

4. And Little Zeke begat Roboham; and Roboham begat Jo-Jo the Sinning Sinner; Jo-Jo the Sinning Sinner begat Jim-Jim the Singing Singer; and Jim-Jim the Singing Singer begat Captain Rubik; Captain Rubik begat Tic Toc and his brethren;

5. And Tic Toc begat Stubby; and Stubby begat Fucked Boy; and Fucked Boy begat Fudgee-O; and Fudgee-O begat Dorko the husband of Val of whom was born Oxo, who is called the Fowler.  So all generations from Camel Toe to One-Eye are five generations; and from One-Eye until Little Zeke are five generations; and from Little Zeke until Tic Toc are five generations; and from Tic Toc unto Oxo are five generations.  Verily, I say this unto you, the bullshit doesn't fall very far from the horse's ass. Fnord.





THE GOSPEL OF HOOPLA

CHAPTER TWO

1. Now the birth of the Fowler was on this jive: When as his mother Val was asposta marry Dorko, before they came to be husband and wife, she was found with child.

2. Then Dorko her husband, being a just man, got rip-roaringly hammered, and passed out in the part of the basement deemed 'the rec room', and behold a messenger of the Goddess appeared from betwixt the faux-wood panelling, saying: " Dorko, thou son of Hamhock, fear not to take unto thee Val thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of She What Started It All.

3. "And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call him PANDEMONAEON for no good reason". Now all this was done that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Goddess by the prophet Coleslaw, saying,

4. Behold! Some chick shall be all knocked up and shall bring forth a son and they shall call him ERISTOTLE, which can be interpreted as 'Eris is the shizzle'.

5. Then Dorko, being raised from his drunken stupor, did as the Messenger Of The Goddess suggested and took unto him Val as his wife. And Dorko said unto her, over Sloppy Joes and Dr. Pepper: 'Some crazy mofo said to name the kid PANDEMONAEON or ERISTOTLE'. Val said unto Dorko: 'Well? Which is it?" and Dorko replied: "Fuck it, let's go with Oxo; it's shorter."  And so it was.  Fnord.

[LMNO]

PLIGHT OF THE EMO

1 Yea, as I walk through the shadows and the darkness and the night, and the murky fog, and I hate my parents; 2 I shall flip my dyed black hair in front of my eyes and squint, for I shall not be able to see, which makes me mysterious. 3 And glare I shall, with the knowledge that the whole world is against me, as I slouch along the cobblestone path of the boarding school my parents pay $15,000 a year to send me. 4 'O LORD!' I cry, but in, like, a really artistic way, 'why dost not anyone understand my singular uniqueness, that I am an individual, just like all my friends?' 5 But the LORD does not answer me, as expected, and I think ahead to the sharpened Bic pen cap I keep in my room that I poke myself with; 6 Because, you know, the only way to let the pain out is to let the pain... in? 7 No, that's not right. 8 Whatever.

[Verbal Mike]

The Sermon of Graud (or Gruad, depending on your translation of some of the secret letters of the True Alphabet)

1 O my children, I see the vastness of the Universe before me. 2 Whoa. 3 It's really fucking big. 4 But in these swirling masses, brethren of mine, 5 (who are my brethren) 6 I see the patterns emerging from the Chaos. 7 No, over there. 8 Over there, dummy. 9 These patterns, my children, these potent portents, they shall lead us from the confusion that surrounds us! 10 Truly, when Order can lift itself from Chaos, it proves that the Order we find in the Universe is greater than all else.  11 We must dedicate ourselves to the Order, we must seek it out wherever it may be, from the smallest to the greatest. 12 No, from this point over to that one. 13 What, are you blind? 14 No, I'm not 'making this up as I go along'! 15 O my children, let this all-pervasive Order guide you in your lives. 16 Give not yourselves into the sloth of Disorder; the ragged irrational Chaos. 17 For Chaos is a dumb brute, blindly swallowing worlds without a thought. 18 For Chaos has no thought, it has no structure, it has no pattern.  19 There is nothing in Chaos that shows itself as having a design, or a plan. 20 Far better for us, my brethren, to follow the ways of Order, and Intelligence; for the other way lies madness. 21 What do you mean, you still can't see it? 22 I swear, I can't take you anywhere. 23 You know what, we should just go.

This is def. good stuff, but it seems to me to imply that people can't normally see the order even when you point it out to them, which is kind of bullshit. It's more like there's this guy describing all the awesome kinds of chaos going on and people spontaneously insist that that chaos is actually order.

Y'know what I'm saying?

[hooplala]

The Sermon of Graud (or Gruad, depending on your translation of some of the secret letters of the True Alphabet)

1 O my children, I see the vastness of the Universe before me. 2 Whoa. 3 It's really fucking big. 4 But in these swirling masses, brethren of mine, 5 (who are my brethren) 6 I see the patterns emerging from the Chaos. 7 No, over there. 8 Over there, dummy. 9 These patterns, my children, these potent portents, they shall lead us from the confusion that surrounds us! 10 Truly, when Order can lift itself from Chaos, it proves that the Order we find in the Universe is greater than all else.  11 We must dedicate ourselves to the Order, we must seek it out wherever it may be, from the smallest to the greatest. 12 No, from this point over to that one. 13 What, are you blind? 14 No, I'm not 'making this up as I go along'! 15 O my children, let this all-pervasive Order guide you in your lives. 16 Give not yourselves into the sloth of Disorder; the ragged irrational Chaos. 17 For Chaos is a dumb brute, blindly swallowing worlds without a thought. 18 For Chaos has no thought, it has no structure, it has no pattern.  19 There is nothing in Chaos that shows itself as having a design, or a plan. 20 Far better for us, my brethren, to follow the ways of Order, and Intelligence; for the other way lies madness. 21 What do you mean, you still can't see it? 22 I swear, I can't take you anywhere. 23 You know what, we should just go.

This is def. good stuff, but it seems to me to imply that people can't normally see the order even when you point it out to them, which is kind of bullshit. It's more like there's this guy describing all the awesome kinds of chaos going on and people spontaneously insist that that chaos is actually order.

Y'know what I'm saying?

My take on it was (and correct me if I'm wrong, LMNO) was that Graud is the first human to find the patterns of order, and he is explaining it to the other hairless apes for the first time, and they ain't buying it.

[Golden Applesauce]

The Sermon of Graud (or Gruad, depending on your translation of some of the secret letters of the True Alphabet)

1 O my children, I see the vastness of the Universe before me. 2 Whoa. 3 It's really fucking big. 4 But in these swirling masses, brethren of mine, 5 (who are my brethren) 6 I see the patterns emerging from the Chaos. 7 No, over there. 8 Over there, dummy. 9 These patterns, my children, these potent portents, they shall lead us from the confusion that surrounds us! 10 Truly, when Order can lift itself from Chaos, it proves that the Order we find in the Universe is greater than all else.  11 We must dedicate ourselves to the Order, we must seek it out wherever it may be, from the smallest to the greatest. 12 No, from this point over to that one. 13 What, are you blind? 14 No, I'm not 'making this up as I go along'! 15 O my children, let this all-pervasive Order guide you in your lives. 16 Give not yourselves into the sloth of Disorder; the ragged irrational Chaos. 17 For Chaos is a dumb brute, blindly swallowing worlds without a thought. 18 For Chaos has no thought, it has no structure, it has no pattern.  19 There is nothing in Chaos that shows itself as having a design, or a plan. 20 Far better for us, my brethren, to follow the ways of Order, and Intelligence; for the other way lies madness. 21 What do you mean, you still can't see it? 22 I swear, I can't take you anywhere. 23 You know what, we should just go.

This is def. good stuff, but it seems to me to imply that people can't normally see the order even when you point it out to them, which is kind of bullshit. It's more like there's this guy describing all the awesome kinds of chaos going on and people spontaneously insist that that chaos is actually order.

Y'know what I'm saying?

My take on it was (and correct me if I'm wrong, LMNO) was that Graud is the first human to find the patterns of order, and he is explaining it to the other hairless apes for the first time, and they ain't buying it.

Or they insist in seeing different patterns than he does?

[hooplala]

That too.

[hooplala]

THE GOSPEL OF HOOPLA

CHAPTER THREE

1.  So. After Oxo, who is also called the Fowler, was born in the Land of Cleve during the reign of Nixon the king, five shysters from the east arrived in the royal city of Washington, saying,

2.  "Where be this cat who could be called King of the Booze?  For we have heard that he can outdrink Dean Martin, and would like to challenge him to a beer-bong contest."

3.  When King Nixon heard this jive he was troubled, for he himself coveted a spot in the holy Dean Martin roast, and the boss title of King of the Booze, for he could polish off fifteen Old Fashioned cocktails, bowl a three hundred game, and still reduce Don Rickles to tears.

4.  Gathering together the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the Fowler was asposta be born.  His high priest, Kissinger, said unto him this, "In the Land of Cleve, for this is what has been written on the bathroom wall by the prophet Coleslaw:

5.  O you, Cleve, in the land of Unistat, you are not fully the shittiest of places, for from your honky-tonks and gin joints shall rise one who will be the son of the Goddess Herself, She who is called Strife by Her enemies, Eris by her friends, and Hey You by those who know her not so well."

[Honey]

Encore!  Thunderstruck by ALL of these!  (holy shit)  ENCORE!

[LMNO]

The Sermon of Graud (or Gruad, depending on your translation of some of the secret letters of the True Alphabet)

1 O my children, I see the vastness of the Universe before me. 2 Whoa. 3 It's really fucking big. 4 But in these swirling masses, brethren of mine, 5 (who are my brethren) 6 I see the patterns emerging from the Chaos. 7 No, over there. 8 Over there, dummy. 9 These patterns, my children, these potent portents, they shall lead us from the confusion that surrounds us! 10 Truly, when Order can lift itself from Chaos, it proves that the Order we find in the Universe is greater than all else.  11 We must dedicate ourselves to the Order, we must seek it out wherever it may be, from the smallest to the greatest. 12 No, from this point over to that one. 13 What, are you blind? 14 No, I'm not 'making this up as I go along'! 15 O my children, let this all-pervasive Order guide you in your lives. 16 Give not yourselves into the sloth of Disorder; the ragged irrational Chaos. 17 For Chaos is a dumb brute, blindly swallowing worlds without a thought. 18 For Chaos has no thought, it has no structure, it has no pattern.  19 There is nothing in Chaos that shows itself as having a design, or a plan. 20 Far better for us, my brethren, to follow the ways of Order, and Intelligence; for the other way lies madness. 21 What do you mean, you still can't see it? 22 I swear, I can't take you anywhere. 23 You know what, we should just go.

This is def. good stuff, but it seems to me to imply that people can't normally see the order even when you point it out to them, which is kind of bullshit. It's more like there's this guy describing all the awesome kinds of chaos going on and people spontaneously insist that that chaos is actually order.

Y'know what I'm saying?

Don't look at me man, I'm just translating the ancient scrolls.

[the last yatto]

Testimonials -http://www.geocities.com/tribhis/testimonials.html

Since the DSSS/PMM has been engaging in counter-evangelism activities, several former Evangelical Christians have had their minds opened by our guerrilla ontology and our dedication to Eris. We never thought we could get Christians to change their minds, reject the putrid viral-memes of dogma, and blossom to Pineal maturity as Erisians. But then again, who can resist Eris?

The following are some short testimonials written by former Christians who have been liberated.
We will add more as we get them. or not


"I was born in a house completely ruled by Yahweh. As an infant, I have been offered to him through an ancient water ritual. I have worshipped the Christ for 21 years, mastering many of his dark arts and I have progressed to one of the higher positions in His Kingdom. However, my life was a constant torture, full of loneliness and hate. I was convinced that I would never escape from Yahweh's claws. Now, I thank my Lady, Eris, for well-deserved laughter. When I wanted to break free, She sent me help and exploded my mind. And while in all agonies and distress, I threw myself at Her feet. She granted me laughter and poptarts. It all was for free. Today I am standing as a witness that Eris laughs and illuminates even the dirtiest of aneristics. Rise up, there is hope! All Hail the Goddess Eris!"

-Burning Trees, Creatrix of Confusion (Church of Eris)


"Dear Reader, Eris did NOT die for me. So now I can live for Her! Or Myself! Or whatever I see fit! Chaos, Discord, and Laughter are the Powers that set me FREE. False religions, lies, divorce, deception and hurt were all part of my childhood life. Due to the Curse of Greyface placed on me before birth by my ancestors, I was doomed to a life of total destruction. The interference of Eris and Her children broke the curses, oaths and covenants of order. She delivered me from a life caught in fundamentalism, Bible-worship, addiction and dogma. She helped me shatter the chains that kept me captive in the darkness. My hurt She healed and my hate was replaced with the true love of Will. She gave me hope instead of despair, compassion in the place of rejection, and intelligent vindication in the face of denial. She wants to help you do the same for yourself! She revealed Herself as the Mother of all Gods (when She is not in drag), a sometimes irritating friend and a confidant. She loves me despite the fact that I had denied Her - even though I had personally chosen to follow one of Her supposed enemies, Yahweh. (Though Aphrodite may be another.) With Her laughter, She has washed away my sick addiction to order. Her laughter is still calling today. In fact it is calling to you if you have not yet made the decision to follow the Lady of Discordia, the true and free energies of Chaos, Eris. You see, it doesn't matter what mistakes you have made in the past, give in to the laughter and confusion of Eris and you will never be the same again!"

-Max Fishbones, KNS, Shepherd of the Pies, General Dysfunction of the Right Jihad Against Pinkery


"I used to be afraid to leave the Christian Cult of my family. I was afraid that they might do something horrible to me. In their places of sacrifice (which they call 'churches' to mock the Erisian Irreligion), I was witness to all sorts of horrible occult crimes, such as the drinking of human blood (which they call the Blood of Christ), and cannibalism. I was looking for a way out but had lost all hope, because the Christians are everywhere, from the loweliest of trailor-park dwellers to the highest echelons of power. I was afraid that they would use their dark occult powers of prayer (a particularly secretive form of Christian hex-casting) and bibliolatry. Their evil conspiracy was everywhere in control of society...Or so they had me believe. All Praise to Eris! I am now free of that delusion. I have seen through the lies. I am no longer afraid because I stand, dance, wiggle, and laugh with the Children of Chaos. I am no longer a slave to the perversions of Christianity. Now I'm free.

-Selena the Silly, High Priestess of the POEE


"Our family Matriarch 'The Grandmother' had me indoctrinated as a young child and at school age I was taken by a sect of Christianity and made to believe their sick and twisted teachings, their 'holy' commandments. They said that theirs was the only true god and all others are false. The very things they purported to abhor i.e. intolerance, hate and fear, were rife in the order and my soul was made sick by it. They beat me down with their hate of the pantheon of other gods and forbade me human contact with those of other faiths. I rebelled, resisting the crush of the greyfaces and researched in the forbidden sections of the library, where I found our Lady Eris sitting in a corner watching me intently with a gleam in Her eye. She stuck a bunless hotdog under my nose, squirted me with the mustard, giggled and led me from that house of the jealous god to life and laughter in Her bosom. Hail Eris!"

-Rev. St. Syn, KSC (Omnibenevolent Polyfather of Obcenity in Titanium)
May 11th, 2005

[the last yatto]

http://www.geocities.com/tribhis/kallistagospel.html
Malaclypse The Younger, the great non-prophet of the Discordian Society, was vexed sorely and surely, for he felt his time had come. His number was up. In this trying hour, he had not the foresight to remember that times like these were probably the result of his God, Our Lady Eris pulling his leg or yanking his chain-whichever was easier to grab at the moment. He fell down upon his knees shaking with tears. He cried out to Eris.

Eris laughed.

Malaclypse The Younger rent his garments and covered his body in dust.

Eris laughed most loudly at this point. She decided to give St. Gulik a break and went to visit Malaclypse personally.

"Now what is troubling you this time?" She spake. And Malaclypse the Younger proceeded to a tirade against the state of the world and the oppression of his people, the Erisians, who were spat upon in the land of the Fat City, in which his foremothers had gone into to escape the evil of their homeland. "Don't you see," he asked of his God, "what is going on? Or have you been spending too much of thy time watching the Discovery Channel again?"

God, Our Lady Eris, ignored that last jab and proceeded to laugh unto Her utmost. Then She spake "Mal, you ARE free. Remember?"

Malaclypse The Younger had run out of tears at this point. He wiped the snot from his nose and answered, "Even so, look around thee and see that thy people, are longing for something more." God spake "Very well. Let us look and see what can be done, but only if you promise to stop whining. It's not funny anymore."

So they walked along the sides of the roads, and yea, over mountains, amidst cities, and across fields, even through bowling alleys and forests. They shared poptarts and beer. And they smoked righteously strong clove cigarettes. They looked all throughout the Land of Thud.

And God saw that the Erisian people were harried in this land.

And God spake unto the prophet Malaclypse The Younger, "You will lead your people across the wide waters, the wide desert, the mountains, and the great forests unto a new land."

Malaclypse The Younger was fearful, and he cried to God, "How will we cross the wide waters, desert, mountains, and forests? For they are cold, hot, and dry, and they are filled with all manner of hazardous substances and raw sewage and other pollutants." And God responded, "fear not, Malaclypse The Younger, for great bridges, highways, and flying machines will be built, and the people will cross into this land. And this land will be called Northern California. I say, lo, I have promised this land to the Erisian people, to the Discordians, to the Chaoists, to the Witches, and all the other weird peoples. And this land shall be blessed with fruits and nuts (and even jokers), unto fifty generations (if not more)."

God laughed again, and then left him there to tell his people. Or not.

And Malaclypse The Younger knew he should have kept his mouth shut. "What kind of joke is this?" He said to no one in particular. But Eris heard him and shouted from the heavens so that only he could hear, "If I send other messangers, will you leave me alone?"

Malaclypse fell asleep and had terrifying visions of a future time of Erisians claiming to speak for colored animals, and of the rise of the White Mouse. The White Mouse caused vicious chain reactions of chaos and laughter wherever he went. And minds were blown wide open. He saw God, Our Lady Eris, among these newer Erisians, and knew that they would do even greater things. Malaclypse the Younger woke up and experienced peace and bliss for the first time in decades. Until he realized he had only been dreaming. His time could still be up and yet he had asked God nothing about this.

Let she with understanding listen to these words and understand. All Erisians are free, if they simply choose to become free. Do not let thy pineal glands be covered in dust, but blow them in the winds.

-from the Complete Collection of the Gospels, As Revealed to St. Kallista by Our Lady Eris on the Fifty-Ninth Day of the Season of Chaos, in Her Year Three-Thousand One-Hundred and Seventy-One.

[hooplala]

Yatto, do you know who wrote these by any chance?  We should probably get some sort of permission first I guess.