The Discordian Art of War

[Cain]

Book One: Read The Fucking Manual

1. The Art of War is of vital importance to the Spag.
2. It is a matter of life and death, of victory and defeat, of lulz or falling on one's face.  Hence it is a subject of utmost inquiry.
3. The Art of War is goverend by Five constant factors, which are to be taken into account in one's strategies.
4.  These are:

   1.  The Chao
   2.  The Eristic Delusion
   3.  The Outside of the Black Iron Prison
   4.  The Episkopos
   5.  The Aneristic Delusion

5.  The Chao causes the Episkopos to be in accord with the world, to make sense of contradicting illusions, and ride the wave of Chaos instead of being drowned by it.
6.  The Eristic Delusion means the Episkopos is aware of all conditions that could change, and the ever-shifting nature of the Chao.
7.  The Outside of the Black Iron Prison signifies the conditions, day or night, hot or cold, timing and seasons, and material conditions, including the lay of the land, that may hinder or aid the Episkopos.
8.  The Epikopos stands for the virtues of the Wise Spags, unfettered and pragmatic, making one's own luck, cunning, adaption, creation and destruction.
9.  The Aneristic Delusion refers to planning, allocation of resources, the careful manipulation of Black Swans, control and coordination of others.
10.  These Five principles should be familiar to every Episkopos: he who knows them shall be victorious, he who knows them not shall fail.

[LMNO]

Oh, holy FUCK!



I can already tell this is going to be awesome.


I love how you handled the (An)Eristic part.

[Cain]

Thanks.  Yeah, that was one of the trickier parts.  Sun Tzu refers to the Moral Law, Heaven, Earth, the Commander and Method and Discipline.  Straight out conversions didn't look right, so I tweaked them to get the essential message across.

[Cramulus]

yes, very very interesting

as I understand it the Art of War is more from the Confucian side of things which means it's an aspect of bureaucracy. So the labels are going to be very important. I think you've picked out good symbols there and have given yourself a lot of room to build on those concepts.

I particularly like "outside the BIP" as a metaphor for "battlefield conditions" - things that are clearly outside your head

[Cain]

Actually, the Art of War draws heavily upon the Taoist philosophy.  While there are elements of Confucian thought in it, lots of what it says is in alignment with ideas like Wu-Wei, and the General as Taoist Master/Sage.

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

Sounds awesome thusfar

[Cain]

11.  Therefore, in your musings, when seeking to create victory, let this be your method of comparison:
12.
   1.  Which of the two Spags is imbued with the Chao?
   2.  Which of the two Episkopi is the more skilled?
   3.  With whom lies the advantage derived from the Eristic Delusion and Outside the Black Iron Prison?
   4.  On which side does the Aneristic Delusion interfere least with operations?
   5.  Which army is stronger?
   6.  On which side are the participants most experienced?
   7.  In which army where is there more incentive to win, and not lose?

13.  By means of these seven considerations, I can forecast victory or defeat.
14.  The Episkopos that takes my advice will conquer: let such a one bring forth victory!  The Episkopos that hearkens not to my counsel; will suffer defeat - let such a one be dismissed!
15.  This Wise Spag does not know all, avail yourself to to all helpful circumstances above and beyond that which I give.
16.  Prepare to change one's plan as circumstances change, in order to retain favour.
17.  All warfare is based on deception.
18.  Hence, we must attack when we seem unable, when preparing to strike we must seem inactive, when we are near, the enemy must believe we are far, when we are ordered, the enemy must believe we are in disarray, when on the cusp of victory we must appear near defeat.
19.  The Wise Spag uses the Eristic Illusion to entice the enemy.  Prepare for his attack by appearing disordered and weak, and crush him.
20.  If his defense is secure, prepare for his attack.  Only the Cosmic Schmuck takes blows he needs not to.  If the enemy is stronger, then avoid him.
21.  If your opponent is like to the temperment of a raging bull, seek to be an irritating mosquito.  Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant.
22.  If he is at rest, then disturb him.  If his forces are united, then divide them.
23.  Attack where he is unprepared, be where he is not expecting you. 
24.  Only the Cosmic Schmuck tells the enemy what he intends to do.  Learn to KYFMS.
25.  The Episkopos who thinks of as much as possible that could come to pass, tends to find victory.  The Episkopos who overlooks things tends to lose.  Thus, follow the example of the former.  By knowing who has done how much, we can predict victory.

[LMNO]

Why do I keep thinking of North Korea?

[Triple Zero]

Cain this is fecking swote.

[Cain]

Book Two:  Lawyers, guns and money


1.  War is expensive.  Like, really expensive, yo.  So either be prepared to pay the prices necessary to win, or just cut all of that out and purchase a bag for your teeth, and a teddy bear for your ghetto shrine.  This will save time.
2.  Fighting for a long time will tire your men, dull your weapons and ruin morale.
3.  You may even run out of resources to carry on the fight.
4.   Dead men walking attract carrion.  When you exhaust your men, ruin their morale and run out of resources, enemies will spring up to take advantage of you, and if you are in this situation, nothing can be done to avert it.
5.  So, while we have heard of foolish haste in warfare, seldom have we heard of wisdom lying in wasteful and protracted campaigns.
6.  No-one has ever benefitted from prolonged warfare, except arms dealers.
7.  Let someone with experience at fighting do the planning.  Trust not the armchair general to direct your forces.
8.  The skilled Episkopos does not place additional stress on the source of his materials, or take excessive material to fight with.
9.  Bring everything necessary from home, but forage on enemy forces.  Finder's keepers is a battlefield game.
10.  Supporting an army in the field for a long time drains resources, and if you are relying on others for them, they're going to be pissed.
11.  However, if people nearby know you need things, they're going to jack their prices up to take advantage of you.  Expect those around you to be pissed at that, as well.
12. Basically, no matter what you do, if your resources involve taking something from other people, going to war is going to drain them.
13.  And if you still haven't won by this point, then the next option is the shirts off their backs, and looting.  Not good.
14.  Oh, and anything that can break probably will at some point.  Especially if its expensive.  And hard to replace.  And both.  Factor that in too.
15.  This is why foraging is good.  Not only do you get the worth of the captured material itself, you also avoid all the headaches that come from the points above, making it even more valuable than what you bring.
16.  Two good ways to motivate your own people are anger, and rewards.
17.  Trophies and friendly competition among the troops should be encouraged.  Also, any defectors or captured enemies should be treated kindly, so that they are not given reasons to turn on you.
18.  This is called "common sense", or, as the Sage Immortal Technique says, "fuck, is you stupid?"
19. The idea in war is to win, not show off your fantastic organizational skills.
20.  Thus it may be known that the Episkopos is the arbiter of fate, the person on whom it depends whether lulz or lail will result.

[Iason Ouabache]

Loving it so far.

[LMNO]

Fuck, Cain, this is brilliant.  It's so much easier to understand.

[Cain]

Hurrah.  There wasn't much philosophy in that, so I decided changing it to make sense was better than trying to shoe-horn in some pseduo-Taoist gibberish in the hope it all comes together.  Glad to see it is working so far.

[LMNO]

Indeed.  That seems to be what we did with parts of the Chao Te Ching -- Take the format, provide your own message.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

This is fantastic. Pure awesome!