Single best book ever

[Cain]

From http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/04/tr_contest_worst_single_fantasy_book.php

Now, most people may not consider Brad Thor "fantasy." But any novel written during the George W. Bush administration that contains these elements is clearly fantasy:

1. A top military/intelligence agent ("Scott Harvath") who is "framed" by Al Jazeera beating up a civilian

2. Who the strong, resolute president wants to forgive because he knows he's really a good person, but

3. Is hounded out of office by an evil, ambitious, America-hating and, as I recall, secretly lesbian senator who might as well be named Millary Mlinton. (I think her initials are actually H.R.C. in the book). She gets hers in the end, of course, because Havrath thwarts her ambition of running for President, which she wants to do because she Hates Freedom, basically.

4. The agent being brought back in, secretly, by the Hero-President, to investigate their top-secret knowledge about weapons of mass destruction in the Middle East that they can't prove they know about for policy reasons,

5. Assisted by an incredibly hot schoolteacher who of course comes with him on a covert mission (a school teacher is of course the most educated person who might still be a Real American),

6. The mission being to thwart that favorite Jack Bauer fantasy, an imminent attack on the United States that can only be thwarted by shredding the Constitution and using it for toilet paper.

But it gets better...the evil villain trying to destroy the world using the WMDs is...the Ottoman Empire, for which al-Qaeda and Iraq are both secretly working. Who has acquired a bioweapon developed by Hannibal. (Yes, that Hannibal).

Now, this is all clearly happening in an alternate universe at least as creative as anything Robert Jordan could dream up. But there's also magic!

You see, Thor makes is embarassingly clear that he doesn't actually know what a biological weapon is or what the difference is between biological or chemical weapons. Which is especially worrying since he claims to have worked as an intelligence agent for Homeland Security.

No; the magical substance Hannibal developed with his advanced WMD skills in fact has been genetically engineered so that anyone exposed to it has their brains leak out of their nose and dies...unless they're a muslim.

That's right. It's a magical "bio" weapon that kills everyone but muslims...and the only way it can be stopped is by defeating Hillary Clinton and torturing muslims!

Throughout the book, the protagonist also makes it clear that he not only loves hurting and killing people, but that he hates pretty much anyone who's not American. The book actually contains, non-ironically, a statement along the lines of "Not all Muslims are terrorists, but without exception every single terrorist is Muslim." (Because Homeland Security has apparently never been to Oklahoma City). And that's just the tip of the racist iceberg here.

So we have a book set in an alternate world, where a hero must go on a quest to stop a magical weapon from giving the evil Ottoman empire from destroying the world. That's what makes it a fantasy novel.

And the hero is a violent, racist right-wing thug while the villain is a thinly disguised Hillary Clinton, in a political hack job so one-sided it would make Leni Riefenstahl blush. I could practically hear the awful flopping sound of Dick Cheney masturbating as I read it. That's what makes it the worst fantasy novel I've ever read.

There are several other great entries in the list, but that one stood out, for obvious reasons.

[Cainad (dec.)]

Woah. I have a perverse desire to read this.

[LMNO]

It's probably still better than "Twilight".

[Arafelis]

I thought OSCard's "Empire" was a particularly good Discordian book for very similar reasons to what's written above in the OP.

Also, LMNO's comment cracked me the fuck up.

[Requia ☣]

This might actually beat out The Eye of Argon.