The Real Bible

[Iason Ouabache]

Ok, we can all agree here that the Bible is mostly full of shit. It is iffy as a philosophy book, horrible as a history book and downright atrocious when it comes to science. So, I have decided to cut through all of the supernatural mumbo jumbo, hero worshiping, and myth creating nonsense. I am going to reinterpret the Bible in a more realistic fashion. No more miracles or personal edicts from God. Jefferson did it, why can't I?

Of course, I realize that this will rely heavily on the Law of Fives and if I have to ignore key facts in order to make the story fit better, than so be it! Thanks to the magic of postmodernism, I don't have to care about that nonsense. 

So, without further ado, I bring you The Real Moses:

Picture this: Ancient Egypt, the dawn of history. There is a great and powerful Pharaoh on the throne. The people worship him like a god. He has many sons and daughters and many more grandchildren. One grandson in particular worries him though. The grandson is exceptionally cruel and has a tendency to kill slaves for little or no reason. The pharaoh finally gets fed up with his sadistic grandson and tosses him out of the palace to fend for himself.

He roams around northeastern Africa until he gains refuge in the Jewish community which is greatly oppressed (because that's what people always do to Jews). The Pharaoh's grandson meets up with a community leader named Aaron. Together they hatch up a plan to overthrow the Pharaoh. The grandson takes up the name Moses and claims that he is Aaron's long lost brother. They make up an intricate story about how Aaron's mother, Jochebed, had sent Moses down the Nile in a reed basket toward the pharaoh's palace to protect him. The Jews are willing to believe this since there was already a strong rumor that the pharaoh hated them and had secretly told their midwives to kill any Jewish male as soon as it was born. (Yes, blood libel has really been around that long.) They also say that their god, YHWH, had spoke to Moses in a vision as a burning bush and told him that they need to overthrow the pharaoh.

The Jews decided to go along with it because they are tired of being oppressed (and Moses just happens to be one charismatic son of a bitch). They form an army and head to the pharaoh's palace. Once they get there they find that the throne has been taken over by one of Moses's uncles. Moses demands to have the throne since it is his Divine Right. He uses the recent stretch of natural disasters (a flood on the Nile, large swarms of locusts and gnats, diseased livestock, hail storms, etc.) to show that the god(s) were not happy with the current pharaoh and that the throne belonged to Moses.

The pharaoh, of course, doesn't see things this way so there ends up being a huge battle between the Egyptian and Jewish armies. The Jewish army loses. Badly. They beat a hasty retreat across the Sea of Reeds where the pharaoh's men give up the chase.

Moses decides that the best course of action is to build up a kingdom elsewhere. The Jews become nomads who roam around the Arabian peninsula for decades.  They fight numerous other wandering tribes along the way but almost always manage to come out ahead. At one point dissension starts to grow as people start to follow other religions. Moses and Aaron decide to write up a simple set of laws borrowed heavily from the Egyptian Book of the Dead and makes sure that rule #1 states that everyone must worship YHVH or else. Moses is an adequate but short-tempered ruler. People grow restless when supplies run low but he always manages to provide in the end.

Eventually Moses dies and Joshua fills the power vacuum. Joshua leads the Jews into a prolonged war with the Canaanites.  But that's another story...

[Arafelis]

Ha!  I'm amused.  It's certainly no more fictitious than the account given.  And now I'm trying to imagine a Jeffersonian OT.  ("And then Lot's wife left him for a younger man, a salt seller by trade.  Lot was very bitter after his wife turned to salt.")

[Iason Ouabache]

Glad you liked. I'm thinking about doing others but I'm going to have to do more research. Lot would be a tough one since that story is so fucked up in the first place. I'm going to have fun with the Noah story, I can already tell.

[rubickspoop]

I like your translation.
It is far more logical and believable than the translation King James commissioned.
It requires faith in human nature rather than faith in bullshit.
It's also a lot easier to read because it is concise.

[Dalek]

 


THY SHALT NOT QUESTION TEH HOLY TEXTS
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