The Horrible Creep of Linguistics

[Richter]

I speak for a living.  This gives me a very deep seated attachment to the language I use, the developments, and changes in it.  There are some I can take in stride, and others that grate my fucking nerves. 


Leverage

I hear a lot more uses of "Leverage" these days.  In business, someone might say that they plan to leverage market share, holdings, etc..  Google might "leverage" their position as one of the only fucking worthwhile search engines to make more money by offering priority seating in their databank to whoever the fuck will pay.  A bank may "leverage" their loan holding by selling off the debt (Not no more skippy!  China ain't buying.).  Either way, this means you're probably being a dick, and trying to put a nice face on it.  An individual might leverage something they have access or skill in.  "I made sure I was cutting this metal right by leveraging my CAD program", was one odd sentiment I recently stumbled over.  The Apple Store may offer to let you leverage their Geniuses. 

No. 
Fucking NO. 
You are USING these things. 
They are services, products, or circumstances that you are utilizing because they are there.  You have no additional ownership, mastery, or control just because you use the name of a simple machine to describe it.  You are impressing NO ONE.  You may be trying to hide something.  I suspect you might be trying to rape me.  You may be a pretentious fuck.  Wait, no, YOU ARE. 

I certainly am, but I speak plainly. 

Fall in a hole and die.


"Bonus!"

You realize this is slang that crept down from Canada, and it's first exposure in the USA was through "For Better or For Worse", right?  If you use this pointless, puerile exclamation, this fact should fill you with shame.  Are you a fucking video game?  That's what you sound like.  That's right, you're now in the same category as people who whistle the Zelda noise and twirl whenever they pick up an item, announce constantly that they've obtained an "Achievement", or use Leetspeak around the uninitiated.

Self flagellate and take a vow of silence.

[Payne]

RAH! Remind me never to butcher the English language in front of you.

also,

That's right, you're now in the same category as people who whistle the Zelda noise and twirl whenever they pick up an item

You mean that's wrong? 

[Richter]

Once, occasionally, or done witht act is cute, sure.  WHEN IT'S THE TENTH FUCKING TIEM TODAY YOU'VE PICKED UP YOUR COFFEE CUP, I DRAW A LINE.  THESE THINGS SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATE. 
FUCK.
NEXT THE GASTROPODS WILL BE DOING THAT "DOODEEDOO" NOISE FROM STARFOX ADVENTURES.   

[Kai]

Please continue.

[Richter]

Ownership

Here's how it works.  When you pay for something; no lease, no payment plan, no rental agreement THEN you own it.  When that car / house / TV is YOURS and you frot shaemlessly with it because you need never worry about depreciating the value THEN you own it.  (Hence, you can never really own things you buy becasue they are "collectibles".  This is an important point.)

You do not have "ownership" of the project at work.  That project owns you.  You do not have "ownership" of that issue with the Salazorian hedge Fund, but you BETTER get it fixed or you're a dead motherfucker.
This is your boss trying to twist your materialistic hot sticky fingered hoarding grubbery into better work ethic.  Hell I would too.

You cannot own (or pwn, if you must) a person.  You can achieve glorious temporary victory, but s long as they have a pulse, they'll likely try to return the favor.

Don't delude yourself, my drinking doesn't need the alterior motive of numbing my mind to the banality of your shit.


Appendix 1: Using people's Funny Words Against Them

During my formative years a former Marine told me that shit, dressed up real nice, painted gold, perfumed, and packaged very well (Like an Apple computer product.) is STILL shit.  He was right. 

Life has taught me that if you do these things, label it "La Merde", get it onto a coutner at "Sears" or "Macy's", and most people will buy it and harp over it's exfoliating and moisturizing qualities.

If you are around the kind of shallow people who are impressed by these things, WORK IT.  Take Ownership of the opportunity, Leverage the silly language to your advantage, and exclaim Bonus! when they throw money at you.  For extra effect, grab teh projector, spin and twirl while whistle a funny video game noise.

You are now a consultant.       

[Triple Zero]

Please continue.

*INSERTS COIN*

[Sir Squid Diddimus]

next-  FUNDAMENTALLY

[Jenne]

  This fread reminds me of this book on Spin-Doctoring that came out in the 90's...it went on in very much the same vein.

[Cainad (dec.)]

My little contribution:

To beg the question does NOT mean that the situation has caused you to ask the question. It means that you gave a non-answer, as in the following example:

"Why do you like fapping?"
"I like fapping because it's my favorite pastime."

Alright, I think most people can be forgiven for this one. At this point in our linguistic history the original meaning of the phrase has all but fallen out of use, and to be fair it sure sounds like it means what most people think it means.

But what people think it means is WRONG. And in future generations the original meaning of the phrase will have died out entirely and they will be plagued by a spectre of WRONGNESS, the nature of which they cannot hope to understand and which will follow them unto the destruction of humanity!

[Jenne]

See, the notion of "wrong" vs. "right" is too funny for me...but I know how it goes because everytime I hear "nukyular" I just pop a vein in my neck.

[Payne]

Once, occasionally, or done witht act is cute, sure.  WHEN IT'S THE TENTH FUCKING TIEM TODAY YOU'VE PICKED UP YOUR COFFEE CUP, I DRAW A LINE.  THESE THINGS SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATE. 
FUCK.
NEXT THE GASTROPODS WILL BE DOING THAT "DOODEEDOO" NOISE FROM STARFOX ADVENTURES.   

Now see, I occasionally do it at the pub when I get a pint.

I invariably declare "You're getting pissed!"

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

Once, occasionally, or done witht act is cute, sure.  WHEN IT'S THE TENTH FUCKING TIEM TODAY YOU'VE PICKED UP YOUR COFFEE CUP, I DRAW A LINE.  THESE THINGS SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATE. 
FUCK.
NEXT THE GASTROPODS WILL BE DOING THAT "DOODEEDOO" NOISE FROM STARFOX ADVENTURES.   

Now see, I occasionally do it at the pub when I get a pint.

I invariably declare "You're getting pissed!"

[Requia ☣]

Leverage in business talk=We're gonna violate the Sherman act with a baseball bat and no lube.  But we're calling it leverage so its not actually illegal.

[Richter]

Ok.  Which businesses have you heard it used in?

It's been used outside Sherman Act country in a lot of workplace meetings I've been in.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Ok.  Which businesses have you heard it used in?

It's been used outside Sherman Act country in a lot of workplace meetings I've been in.

Everyone I work with laughs about that sort of gibberish.  Except my boss, and when he gets too excited, we lock him in the server room and send all his memos through the shredder.

He'll thank us, one day.  50 years old is too old to talk like a moron.