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Rev Roger, Hard Times in Fat City #6

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, August 25, 2009, 06:32:25 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

August 25, 2009, 06:32:25 PM
Okay, I have come to deal with the fact that I am getting older.  I am no longer pretty.  Gravity does ignorant shit to my bits, and my organs do whatever the fuck they please.  I am told I must slow down, relax a little, and most of all calm down, if I wish to live a while longer.

Well, fuck that.  You aren't supposed to leave a pretty corpse, you're supposed to go flying headfirst into your grave snarling curses and dragging at least one person in with you.  Preferably one of those people who is full of great advice on how to "stay young", while they're wearing a fucking mumu because they top the fucking scale at 400 LBS (for you Eurospags, that's about 182 Kg, or if you're in England, 25 stone, or whatever the hell archaic system you crumpet-suckers are using).

With this in mind, I am getting the motorcycle and the guns out of storage.  I will NOT live a fucked up little shadow of a life because my heart might play stupid fucking games while I'm cruising the razor edge of the high side at 130 MPH (there is no translation for this speed - on a motorcycle, or at least the right motorcycle - into Eurospeak.  Europeans lack the correct glands for this sort of thing.)

I have no urge to fall over dead just this minute, but that's what I'm already doing, one day at a fucking time.  The bastards almost had me.  They found a sneaky-ass way of getting me to fit into their fucking box, and I AIN'T HAVING IT.

Obviously, this means I have to eat more veggies, so that when this DOES kill me, I will make the entire area uninhabitable when my bowels release upon death.  Just a final gift from me to my adoring masses.

TGRR,
Too weird to live, too smelly to be buried.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Payne

#1
August 25, 2009, 06:38:17 PM
I prophesied this a while back.

Rock on Roger.

The Good Reverend Roger

#2
August 25, 2009, 06:43:18 PM
Quote from: Payne on August 25, 2009, 06:38:17 PM
I prophesied this a while back.

Rock on Roger.

Boo yah.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Cramulus

#3
August 25, 2009, 08:26:36 PM
maybe you just need to do really healthy/safe stuff, but in a decidedly EXTREME way


like instead of taking out the trash
SET IT ON FIRE

don't flush once
FLUSH 12 FUCKING TIMES

instead of listening to Christmas music
LISTEN TO CHRISTMAS MUSIC REAL FUCKING LOUD
IN AUGUST

instead of ordering a salad
GRAB THE WAITER BY THE HAIR AND THROW HIM TO THE FLOOR

instead of pissing while standing up
PISS WHILE FALLING

instead of smoking a cheap cigar
ROLL UP YOUR HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA AND SMOKE IT IN THE GOVERNOR'S FACE LIKE A BLUNT

Dimocritus

#4
August 25, 2009, 08:43:17 PM
TGRR training camp:



Where a kid can be a kid...
Episkopos of GABCab ~ "caecus plumbum caecus"

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#5
August 25, 2009, 08:45:09 PM Last Edit: August 25, 2009, 08:46:57 PM by The Lord and Lady Omnibus Fuck
Move to Portland
Become vegetarian
Replace meat with alcohol
Take up rock climbing
Start going to Burning Man
Replace pasta with acid
Become peanutbuttersandwicharian
Develop an obsession with fat older housewives
Develop an obsession with Richard Simmons
Develop an obsession with picking up hot chicks at art openings
Develop an obsession with filling jars with urine
Give up vegetarianism
Fall madly in love with an abstract statue
Get arrested trying to copulate with it
Give up Burning Man
Replace alcohol with meat
Give up rock climbing
Replace rock climbing with public art installations of urine-filled vessels
Wake up one morning after an art opening groggy, bound and gagged in an unfamiliar room
Get raped repeatedly by hot chick from art opening
After a month of confinement develop Stockholm Syndrome
Marry hot rapist chick from art opening
Live happily ever after.


"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

Jenne

#6
August 25, 2009, 09:46:03 PM
:mittens:  Go Rog Go!

And I like Nigel's scenario except for the receptacles of urine:  too Howard Hughesian.  Otherwise, recipe for pure win.

The Good Reverend Roger

#7
August 25, 2009, 09:47:35 PM
shit yeah
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Triple Zero

#8
August 25, 2009, 11:15:27 PM
210 km/h. You can probably do that on the German autobahn. It's also pretty fucking fast and you'll be leaving all the Mercedeses and BMWs in the dust.

If they had dust on the German autobahns, that is.

Also, FUCK YEAH

(except I hope it doesnt kill you, sorry)
Ex-Soviet Bloc Sexual Attack Swede of Tomorrow™
e-prime disclaimer: let it seem fairly unclear I understand the apparent subjectivity of the above statements. maybe.

INFORMATION SO POWERFUL, YOU ACTUALLY NEED LESS.

Pariah

#9
August 26, 2009, 12:07:54 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on August 25, 2009, 06:32:25 PM
you're in England, 25 stone, or whatever the hell archaic system you crumpet-suckers are using
I believe, and please correct me if I'm wrong, that the average subject of the Empire does not care about weight but bases their social and health status as determined by the amount ferrets said Brit can stuff down their pants.
Play safe! Ski only in a clockwise direction! Let's all have fun together!

Xebra

#10
August 26, 2009, 12:14:49 AM
Quote from: The Lord and Lady Omnibus Fuck on August 25, 2009, 08:45:09 PM
Move to Portland
Become vegetarian
Replace meat with alcohol
Take up rock climbing
Start going to Burning Man
Replace pasta with acid
Become peanutbuttersandwicharian
Develop an obsession with fat older housewives
Develop an obsession with Richard Simmons
Develop an obsession with picking up hot chicks at art openings
Develop an obsession with filling jars with urine
Give up vegetarianism
Fall madly in love with an abstract statue
Get arrested trying to copulate with it
Give up Burning Man
Replace alcohol with meat
Give up rock climbing
Replace rock climbing with public art installations of urine-filled vessels
Wake up one morning after an art opening groggy, bound and gagged in an unfamiliar room
Get raped repeatedly by hot chick from art opening
After a month of confinement develop Stockholm Syndrome
Marry hot rapist chick from art opening
Live happily ever after.

You are a wise, wise person.

MMIX

#11
August 26, 2009, 12:31:59 AM
Quote from: Mr. P. Carrey on August 26, 2009, 12:07:54 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on August 25, 2009, 06:32:25 PM
you're in England, 25 stone, or whatever the hell archaic system you crumpet-suckers are using
I believe, and please correct me if I'm wrong, that the average subject of the Empire does not care about weight but bases their social and health status as determined by the amount ferrets said Brit can stuff down their pants.

yeah, you're right, except that you're wrong too.

us Brits don't care about health issues at all - we've got a fucking National Health Service to deal with that for us - ya jealous yet . . . ?

but, much more seriously, any more than one ferret per pair of pants could be construed as attempted suicide - while several ferrets down your Trousers could be seen as a macho British understatement - subtle difference


- also, great rant
"The ultimate hidden truth of the world is that it is something we make and could just as easily make differently" David Graeber

Pope Pixie Pickle

#12
August 26, 2009, 12:33:46 AM
Quote from: Xebra on August 26, 2009, 12:14:49 AM
Quote from: The Lord and Lady Omnibus Fuck on August 25, 2009, 08:45:09 PM
Move to Portland
Become vegetarian
Replace meat with alcohol
Take up rock climbing
Start going to Burning Man
Replace pasta with acid
Become peanutbuttersandwicharian
Develop an obsession with fat older housewives
Develop an obsession with Richard Simmons
Develop an obsession with picking up hot chicks at art openings
Develop an obsession with filling jars with urine
Give up vegetarianism
Fall madly in love with an abstract statue
Get arrested trying to copulate with it
Give up Burning Man
Replace alcohol with meat
Give up rock climbing
Replace rock climbing with public art installations of urine-filled vessels
Wake up one morning after an art opening groggy, bound and gagged in an unfamiliar room
Get raped repeatedly by hot chick from art opening
After a month of confinement develop Stockholm Syndrome
Marry hot rapist chick from art opening
Live happily ever after.

You are a wise, wise person.

Nigel is teh awesomes.

Pariah

#13
August 26, 2009, 12:45:46 AM
Quote from: MMIX on August 26, 2009, 12:31:59 AM
Quote from: Mr. P. Carrey on August 26, 2009, 12:07:54 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on August 25, 2009, 06:32:25 PM
you're in England, 25 stone, or whatever the hell archaic system you crumpet-suckers are using
I believe, and please correct me if I'm wrong, that the average subject of the Empire does not care about weight but bases their social and health status as determined by the amount ferrets said Brit can stuff down their pants.
us Brits don't care about health issues at all - we've got a fucking National Health Service to deal with that for us - ya jealous yet . . . ?

U GUYS LET BIG GOVERNMINT GET IN THE WAY BETWEEN U AND UR FERRETz?!?1?one
Play safe! Ski only in a clockwise direction! Let's all have fun together!

MMIX

#14
August 26, 2009, 01:11:25 AM
Quote from: Mr. P. Carrey on August 26, 2009, 12:45:46 AM
Quote from: MMIX on August 26, 2009, 12:31:59 AM
Quote from: Mr. P. Carrey on August 26, 2009, 12:07:54 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on August 25, 2009, 06:32:25 PM
you're in England, 25 stone, or whatever the hell archaic system you crumpet-suckers are using
I believe, and please correct me if I'm wrong, that the average subject of the Empire does not care about weight but bases their social and health status as determined by the amount ferrets said Brit can stuff down their pants.
us Brits don't care about health issues at all - we've got a fucking National Health Service to deal with that for us - ya jealous yet . . . ?


U GUYS LET BIG GOVERNMINT GET IN THE WAY BETWEEN U AND UR FERRETz?!?1?one


ferret injuries are like duelling scars they aren't a health issue in any conventional sense - and NOBODY comes between a Brit and his ferret - if you'd ever met a ferret you would understand that once those little fuckers get their teeth into you their aint no govermint big enough to get between you
"The ultimate hidden truth of the world is that it is something we make and could just as easily make differently" David Graeber
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