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Poetry nerds, please advise

Started by Cain, September 16, 2009, 10:01:30 PM

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Cain

September 16, 2009, 10:01:30 PM
QuoteWE REMEMBER 9-11

Smoke billows rolled
As planes shattered glass
Concrete and steel
The trees and the grass

An enemy attack
On the Land of the Free
How could this happen
How could this be

Our hearts gripped with fear
In sheer disbelief
Unbearable sorrow
One hardly could speak

As evil sought triumph
Through catastrophic strife
Towers fell and buildings crumbled
Tragically ending innocent lives

We cried out to God
Fell down on our knees
Hugged our families, friends, and strangers
Helping anyone in need

It was a day where we placed
All our differences aside
We were Americans facing tragedy
With courage, tears, and battle-cries

We remember 9-11
Those who paid the highest price
Those who bravely tackled evil
Those whose courage rescued lives

Unfathomable terror
Unfolded before our eyes
A day where heroes would die
And warriors... would rise.

We remember 9-11
Our lives forever changed
Those whose heartbeats too soon ended
Shall not have died in vain

Though evil fought for victory
The death of freedom was their prize
Americans will not bow to terrorists
And Our Freedom... Will... Survive

We remember 9-11
Yet our hearts, our hopes our dreams
Remain alive
Now hear our cry
AMERICA, LET FREEDOM RING

What is the most cutting putdown for this poem?  Or do you suggest going for the three word comment route?

I have a link for this, which I may share, depending on how we want to go about it.

The Good Reverend Roger

#1
September 16, 2009, 10:11:34 PM
I say let's edit it for truth.

And our freedom...would be...compromised.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Triple Zero

#2
September 16, 2009, 10:12:31 PM
if you just wanna piss them off derail the thread with some ridiculous (but semi-defendable for long enough) 911 conspiracy theory.

or reply with the Lyrics to Chris Korda's "I Like To Watch".
Ex-Soviet Bloc Sexual Attack Swede of Tomorrow™
e-prime disclaimer: let it seem fairly unclear I understand the apparent subjectivity of the above statements. maybe.

INFORMATION SO POWERFUL, YOU ACTUALLY NEED LESS.

The Good Reverend Roger

#3
September 16, 2009, 10:19:33 PM
Or refer to 911 as "The Great New York Smoke Out".

Or go totally right wing nut job, you know, "Who cares if a bunch of New York liberals died?".
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Rococo Modem Basilisk

#4
September 16, 2009, 10:41:14 PM
The rhyme scheme is clumsy. But, that's my honest opinion, not vitrol.


I am not "full of hate" as if I were some passive container. I am a generator of hate, and my rage is a renewable resource, like sunshine.

Bebek Sincap Ratatosk

#5
September 16, 2009, 10:54:50 PM
Quote from: Enki v. 2.0 on September 16, 2009, 10:41:14 PM
The rhyme scheme is clumsy. But, that's my honest opinion, not vitrol.

Agreed, the poem is shit, not just because of the topic, but because its a crappy poem.
- I don't see race. I just see cars going around in a circle.

"Back in my day, crazy meant something. Now everyone is crazy" - Charlie Manson

The Good Reverend Roger

#6
September 16, 2009, 11:17:29 PM
Quote from: Doctor Rat Bastard on September 16, 2009, 10:54:50 PM
Quote from: Enki v. 2.0 on September 16, 2009, 10:41:14 PM
The rhyme scheme is clumsy. But, that's my honest opinion, not vitrol.

Agreed, the poem is shit, not just because of the topic, but because its a crappy poem.

It inspires me to versify.

muhaha
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Remington

#7
September 16, 2009, 11:33:01 PM
I think the Canadian Army's marching chant would be appropriate here:

1, 2, 3, 4, Let's go die in Bush's war!
Is it plugged in?

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#8
September 16, 2009, 11:39:22 PM
There is no discernible attempt at rhythm.
The rhyme scheme is clumsy and forced.
It's very "telly" and lacking in imagery.
It's extraordinarily cliched and not very evocative - it might as well just say,

"Look, yet another
patriotic poem about
the Twin Towers attack."

When handling a heavily emotional and overused subject matter such as love, war, patriotism or death, it will almost invariably fall flat unless handled with extreme finesse and highly skilled craftsmanship. This poem has neither of those.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

Rococo Modem Basilisk

#9
September 16, 2009, 11:57:47 PM
Quote from: Nigel on September 16, 2009, 11:39:22 PM
There is no discernible attempt at rhythm.
The rhyme scheme is clumsy and forced.
It's very "telly" and lacking in imagery.
It's extraordinarily cliched and not very evocative - it might as well just say,

"Look, yet another
patriotic poem about
the Twin Towers attack."

When handling a heavily emotional and overused subject matter such as love, war, patriotism or death, it will almost invariably fall flat unless handled with extreme finesse and highly skilled craftsmanship. This poem has neither of those.

Correct poetic motorcycle.


I am not "full of hate" as if I were some passive container. I am a generator of hate, and my rage is a renewable resource, like sunshine.

Requia ☣

#10
September 17, 2009, 12:02:43 AM
Quote from: Nigel on September 16, 2009, 11:39:22 PM
There is no discernible attempt at rhythm.
The rhyme scheme is clumsy and forced.
It's very "telly" and lacking in imagery.
It's extraordinarily cliched and not very evocative - it might as well just say,

"Look, yet another
patriotic poem about
the Twin Towers attack."

When handling a heavily emotional and overused subject matter such as love, war, patriotism or death, it will almost invariably fall flat unless handled with extreme finesse and highly skilled craftsmanship. This poem has neither of those.

This post is better poetry.
Inflatable dolls are not recognized flotation devices.

The Good Reverend Roger

#11
September 17, 2009, 03:45:48 AM
Quote from: Nigel on September 16, 2009, 11:39:22 PM


"Look, yet another
patriotic smarmy, spoon fed, and bathos-ridden melodramatic poem about
the Twin Towers attack."


Fixed that for ya.  
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Rumckle

#12
September 17, 2009, 03:49:11 AM
Also at the start, the rhyming scheme made me think the writer was taking the piss.
It's not trolling, it's just satire.

The Good Reverend Roger

#13
September 17, 2009, 03:51:18 AM
Quote from: Rumckle on September 17, 2009, 03:49:11 AM
Also at the start, the rhyming scheme made me think the writer was taking the piss.

At the start, the rhyming scheme made ME thing Emily Dickenson had crawled out of her grave.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#14
September 17, 2009, 03:55:10 AM
Quote from: Cain on September 16, 2009, 10:01:30 PM


What is the most cutting putdown for this poem?  Or do you suggest going for the three word comment route?

I have a link for this, which I may share, depending on how we want to go about it.

LINK.  WHERE FUCKING IS.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.
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