The Man Who Married 1.5 Women.

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

This is my first rant. It is also my entry into the Horrormirth Competition.


The Man Who Married 1.5 Women.


When I was 24 years of age, on the 1st of May 2004 at the Southampton Registry office, I married. I wore a bright pink dress and arrived in a classic Mini Cooper S from 1969. I got so drunk,  I broke my wedding ring and set fire to the table decorations.

This was an action so very, very full of Epic Fail. I married an American, studying in Southampton, After a trip with him back to Phoenix, I should have known better, considering his mood-swings and drinking, as well as choice of travelling companions for our spectacularly awful road trip to San Francisco. The road trip is a whole another story. The song that reminds me of the trip is Dashboard by Modest Mouse. Anyway, I should have known better. Or should have hooked up with the hawt guy with black hair and ice blue eyes trying to pull irish girls with his pot stash whilst Nate was passed out drunk in SF, negating the engagement entirely. 

Nathan is Bi-polar. Nathan also used to be an alcoholic. We broke up on the day of Dubya's re-election to a second term, the 2nd November 2004 . I was tripping my nuts off on Halloween, and somewhere in the trip I knew that I had made a Big Fucking Mistake and was not going to emigrate anywhere with that crazy sonofabitch. I pushed the Big Red Button on me and Nate after 6 months, as I was petrified that he would knock me up and I would be forced to carry his defective demon child, and didn't want to be isolated with the crazy man in a desert that should only contain lizards, cacti and small rodents, not a fucking huge city.

I also received some help from a friend who I have known since I was five at primary school, also high as a kite at the time and had been there during a major rough patch in 2001... Plugg kissed me, and I didn't say "stoppit i'm married!" and run away. Honestly, high as I was and feeling safe with Plugg, it was pretty hard not to fuck him. And I didn't... until later. 

Nate went to stay at my mothers, and subsequently made himself ill from drinking too much and fucking up his medication, laying on the "woe is me I'm dying" act, and I have to run around getting his blood work done to prove to him that unfortunately, he wasn't going to die. On Christmas Eve, 2004 he flew back to Phoenix. My mum said "I Told Not To Marry That Crazy Yank" I nodded. All you can do with Mum ownage, really. I later moved in with Plugg and found a stray kitten a bus stop on the day the tenancy ended on mine and Nate's flat. I called the cat Eris.

I was happy living with Plugg, we had the same friends and same interests to a degree, and the next 18 months or so we were content living with each other and the cats, going to raves with our friends. In this time I start talking to Nate again, and it seems pretty chilled. Like I can work on a divorce by end of 2006, get on with my life and me and Nate seemed to be behaving like rational adults. He stopped drinking and met a girl with a kid.

A little bit of background on Nate's new lady. She is a bulimic meth addict, with a child who's grandparents at the time were trying to take custody of the child (not Nate's, her first son by some other loser). Way to pick a winner there Nathan!

Nate started to correspond with my brother in law, and it was suggested that they take a holiday and visit Nate. This is duly booked, and arrangements are made. I hear from my mum that this may or may not involve... A Road Trip.

I raise an eyebrow and said to Mother, "Really? That's brave . Make sure they have extra money just in case something goes wrong and make sure they don't go out of Arizona, I dont trust that crazy fuck". This was a moment of Prophecy. I hate it when I'm right.

They were out there, and I received a call from my mother, saying "Your Husband has been arrested, somewhere in Arizona, and your sister, Brother-in-law and nephew are stuck somewhere in Buttfucknowhere, AZ with no idea where they are". My rage rose, I spewed bile all over Livejournal, luckily once I had calmed down, Google Earth proved very useful in locating where they were, and the other wonders of the interwebs meant we had a solution to fix the problem.

I found their location, told them (through my mother who was running the phone side of the operation) to get a motel room to avoid heatstroke what with them having a baby and a 6 year old with the group that was left in the lurch when the stupid asshole got arrested for not having the correct documents for the car he was driving. Fucktard.

Co-operative efforts between me and my mum, we find out that the nearest Greyhound bus station where they can get back to Phoenix is in Flagstaff, tickets are booked and a kind local gives them a ride to the bus station. Win for my family Getting Shit Done, and a random stranger restoring my faith in Americans.

This problem solved, they make their way to Phoenix.

Once my sister gets back to Phoenix, I get a phonecall. Apparently when she was in the car, and later the motel room, Meth Head starts wailing "my husband my husband" and got very jumpy when my name was mentioned. Big Sis says "well thats odd, he's not divorced Annie yet!" before leaving her and the sprog in the motel to her meltdown.

Further digging revealed that due to the aforementioned custody case, Nathan had married Meth Head so they could keep the child. How a Bipolar reforming alcoholic and a crazy Meth Head can seem like a stable family is franky, a fucking joke.

It dawns on me, then, that I will have to wait for my divorce. The friends and family that got him to admit to the bigamy were unwilling to make legal statements to that fact, and at the time I did not have the financial means to dig up enough evidence to fuck him with the full extent of the law. More Rage, feelings of betrayal by loved ones. More spewing onto LJ.

I freaked out, like life had yet again turned into a very dark comedy, and I fell out with my friend Michelle, who was one of the people who managed to weasel the information as to what the fuck was going on out of Nate yet still refused to help.

I remember a few days after I found out, standing in the New Forest, at my friends smallholding, outside the caravan in the orchard, drunk on whiskey and incredibly stoned screaming "WITH ALL THE UNIVERSAL LOVE IN THE WORLD FUCK OFF! Crazy motherfucker" I got stared at by some chickens.    
   
The resulting inability to communicate how I felt about the situation ruined my relationship with Plugg within 3 months, I then had to undergo counselling for depression, and ended up living back at my mums. She was about to marry, and had said "come home, the stability will do you good" All the time my mum was having an affair, the wedding was called off within a month of me moving in, and some new bloke moved in. :head-desk:

I've never been able to prosecute the cunt, due to lack of money, and its apparently hard work to get authorities to take this sort of thing seriously, despite being a felony. I know he crossed state lines to do it, and probably got married in San Diego, but it would have cost hundreds of pounds to prove it... Money I just don't have.

I then find out I cannot just divorce him without him returning notarised paperwork within 10 days, until 5 years separation. (Thats this Xmas.) I knew that to send him the documents would just be a very expensive piece of paper with no outcome, seeing as he now knew that I had found out, and fast and loose with legal documents is his speciality. I'm looking forward to turning 30. This waiting game is almost over, thank fuck.

And you may think Karma is hippy bullshit, but this year I heard he was left by Meth Head, holding 2 kids, caring for his mother who has health issues and is also Bipolar. He ran for local government as a Libertarian, wants to join the Marines, and is obsessed with UFO's.

Some may call this Karma, others self ownage.

I laughed so hard I almost prolapsed.

[Jenne]

Aw, man, Pixie.  *hugs*

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one who makes epic romantic mistakes!

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who makes epic romantic mistakes!

Oh yes, Pixie love life has often reeked of fail.

I have many tales to tell after a few drinks... which is mostly when the crazy shit comes out of my mouth.

and divorce in january... fucking WIN!

[Rumckle]

 

Shit Pix, that's some crazy romantic fail there.

Also, I always thought of Dashboard as a happy song.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who makes epic romantic mistakes!

Oh yes, Pixie love life has often reeked of fail.

I have many tales to tell after a few drinks... which is mostly when the crazy shit comes out of my mouth.

and divorce in january... fucking WIN!

I'm, hopefully, looking at a real actual divorce soon, too.

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

 "dashboard" lyrically kinda fits the epic fail that was the Road Trip. Hot desert, no money surrounded by binge drinkers, almost teetotal on the alcohol front, crazy people, hot weather, awful food, no pot and no coastline, and carrying on in a hire vehicle that was inches away from dying, and Nate listened to modest mouse a lot.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who makes epic romantic mistakes!

Oh yes, Pixie love life has often reeked of fail.

I have many tales to tell after a few drinks... which is mostly when the crazy shit comes out of my mouth.

and divorce in january... fucking WIN!

I'm, hopefully, looking at a real actual divorce soon, too.

I shall drink to your Emancipation, Nigel.

[Cramulus]

*raises a glass to pixie*

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I pushed the Big Red Button on me and Nate after 6 months, as I was petrified that he would knock me up and I would be forced to carry his defective demon child, and didn't want to be isolated with the crazy man in a desert that should only contain lizards, cacti and small rodents, not a fucking huge city.

One paragraph.  ONE PARAGRAPH, and she has managed to sum up Phoenix and everyone in it.

Arizona, for that matter.

Pixie is a goddamn genius, or at least observant as hell.  Whichever stud puppet she is currently gracing with her presence should get down on his knees and thank the deity of his choice.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who makes epic romantic mistakes!

As much epic wisdom is spouted here, you'd think some of us would be smart.   

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

I pushed the Big Red Button on me and Nate after 6 months, as I was petrified that he would knock me up and I would be forced to carry his defective demon child, and didn't want to be isolated with the crazy man in a desert that should only contain lizards, cacti and small rodents, not a fucking huge city.

One paragraph.  ONE PARAGRAPH, and she has managed to sum up Phoenix and everyone in it.

Arizona, for that matter.

Pixie is a goddamn genius, or at least observant as hell.  Whichever stud puppet she is currently gracing with her presence should get down on his knees and thank the deity of his choice.

now you see where my AZ rage comes from.

finally also glad to show i have moar to offer than just asshattery and bagel sex.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I pushed the Big Red Button on me and Nate after 6 months, as I was petrified that he would knock me up and I would be forced to carry his defective demon child, and didn't want to be isolated with the crazy man in a desert that should only contain lizards, cacti and small rodents, not a fucking huge city.

One paragraph.  ONE PARAGRAPH, and she has managed to sum up Phoenix and everyone in it.

Arizona, for that matter.

Pixie is a goddamn genius, or at least observant as hell.  Whichever stud puppet she is currently gracing with her presence should get down on his knees and thank the deity of his choice.

now you see where my AZ rage comes from.

finally also glad to show i have moar to offer than just asshattery and bagel sex.

Asshattery and bagel sex are good.

You just made me look around, though.  I live in fucking Arizona.

UNNNNNNNNNG!

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

 

glad to be of service!

[Corvidia]

Jeez, Pixie! Ridiculous shit there. Bipolar - meds is baaaad, but biploar + meds+ alcohol is hell.

Congrats on the upcoming divorce!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I like the Pixie one

she is a good one, that Pixie one!