Hey Mang, pass the potatoes....

[AFK]

Well, here it is again.  The holidays are upon us.  Time to give thanks, tidings of joy, and other sentiments trademarked and giftwrapped by Hallmark and Things Remembered.  It is that magical time of year when all of our worries are supposed to melt away while we slather on some gravy.  If only it were that easy...

Cousin Nate is being shipped off to Afghanistan.
Mom has breast cancer.
Dad just lost his job, no insurance to pay for Mom.
Uncle Louie is on yet another drug cocktail for his depression. 
Grandpa is going to get kicked out of his house next week. 

Things are swimming aren't they?  So much to be thankful for.  Don't get me wrong, it is great to be together as a family once again.  But while it is a time to bond and have refuge from the world, it brings the silent desperation together and reminds in an all too palpable fashion the gloom that exists for so many. 

It is admirable for corporate America to want us to sweep our trouble away so that we may continue the grand tradition of buying shit nobody needs.  Wait, okay, it actually really isn't very admirable at all.  But it is understandable.  They still need to put food on their table.  They have families to go home to as well.  It just makes it very trite and phony, however. 

And as it turns out, we didn't have the money for the big turkey, and the big bag of potatoes, and the 25 pies.  But you know, grilled cheese sandwiches will do the trick.  Now, let's all huddle around the Kerosene space heater.  Oh, Johnny, crack the window a bit okay?  Don't want to go and get carbon monoxide poisoning.  I'm pretty sure Anthem doesn't cover that. 

[Captain Utopia]

Um. Wow. 

Well I hope you have a better Thanksgiving next year!

[AFK]

Thread ruined.  Never mind. 

[LMNO]

FP, you really need to start being more genre savvy.  That had some great potential.

[Captain Utopia]

Split it. Ignore it. Delete it. But I see no point in martyring a good idea - it's like stumbling over a word while reciting your wedding vows then calling it all off in a giant hissy-fit.

"Thread ruined" is one of the stupidest self-defeating memes we have around here.

[LMNO]

Your mom is a self-defeating meme.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

And as it turns out, we didn't have the money for the big turkey, and the big bag of potatoes, and the 25 pies.  But you know, grilled cheese sandwiches will do the trick.  Now, let's all huddle around the Kerosene space heater.  Oh, Johnny, crack the window a bit okay?  Don't want to go and get carbon monoxide poisoning.  I'm pretty sure Anthem doesn't cover that. 

Hey, RWHN, at least you can be thankful that The Spider™ thought of you at all.  You perform a valuable service, and that's probably why cheese and bread have been made available for your gratitude.  You take kids who are on the wrong drugs, and adjust them to fit into a society where they will need the right drugs, just to get by.

Wrong drugs good, right drugs bad.  Keep repeating that til you believe it, and maybe - just maybe, no promises, mind you - you can afford a little meat next November.

You want to know something funny, RWHN?  These kids of yours aren't miscreants, or bad children, or idiots...they're just doin' it wrong.  Fucking themselves up before we get a chance to do it for them.  Smoking spliffs instead of grabbin' pills.

Well, that's been tried, every generation has done it...so The Machine™ came up with a defense mechanism, and that defense mechanism is, well. you.

So give thanks around that kerosene heater.  You have rendered a valuable service, and that grilled cheese sandwich is a reward well deserved.

Or Kill me.

[Salty]

What RWHN? You don't like grilled cheese sandwhiches?


Don't you know what a blessing they are? Some people will go without grilled cheese this year. Some will go without the kerosene. And that's what the holidays are about. Those who lack the grilled cheese. Also, the children. What do they lack? They lack everything. Literally everything. They lack the stuff they never dreamed of, toys and miracles so great they can barely comprehend them. Not to worry though, there's plenty of people who do in fact fund their extravagant Hallmark fest providing those kids with dreams to dream. Everthing and anything they could want, everything and anything they would never have known they wanted. And that's the rub right there: Most kids just don't know what they lack. 

That's what the holydays are, you know. The Celebration of the Defense (or is it Offense?) of Lack. 

Don't be without. Make sure you get your Miracle. Now 25% off. 

[The Johnny]

"There's people way worse off than you are! Like those in Etihopia!"

"Everything happens for a reason!"

[The Good Reverend Roger]

"There's people way worse off than you are! Like those in Etihopia!"

"Everything happens for a reason!"

It's God's plan. 

[Triple Zero]

"There's people way worse off than you are! Like those in Etihopia!"

FUCK YOU THIS ONE TIME MY AUNT DINA NEARLY CHOKED ON SOMEONE FROM ETIHOPIA

NEARLY TO DEATH

THEY HAD TO EXCAVATE HIM WITH A RUBBER PICKAXE AND SCUBA GEAR

TO THIS DAY, SHE STILL CANNOT LOOK AT A TOOTHPICK WITHOUT COLLAPSING IN A PULSATING SOBBING HEAP, LIKE MASHED POTATOES AND GRAVY

[Suu]

What do you mean you can't afford a turkey for Thanksgiving?

WHY ARE YOU NOT AMERICAN?!

YOU SHOULD USE YOUR FUCKING CREDIT CARD! FUCK THE RATES! BUY YOUR TURKEY! BUY YOUR FUCKING CRANBERRY SAUCE AND YOUR SARA LEE PUMPKIN PIE WITH THE COOL WHIP FOR THE TOP!

THIS IS OUR HOLIDAY! THIS IS OUR AMERICAN HOLIDAY! WE NEED TO GIVE THANKS FOR THOSE GENEROUS WOMPANAOG INJUNS  SHARING CORN WITH THE STARVING GOOD CHRISTIAN PILGRIMS WHO WERE TOO LAZY TO HUNT AND STARTED THE AMERICAN TRADITION OF MOOCHING FOOD  OFF OF OTHERS DURING THE HOLIDAYS.

CHRISTMAS IS COMING! DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS? WHAT WILL THEY SAY WITHOUT PRESENTS UNDER THE TREE?  YOU ARE GETTING A TREE RIGHT? BECAUSE YOU ARE A GOOD CHRISTIAN AMERICAN? BUY MORE STUFF. NO, DON'T MAKE ANYTHING, MAKING THINGS DOESN'T HELP THE ECONOMY, ONLY YOUR MONEY DOES. NO HEALTH INSURANCE? NO APARTMENT? WHY DON'T YOU HAVE FAITH IN GOD?

WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING UN-AMERICAN?!

GO BUY YOUR TURKEY!!! THE LAST THURSDAY IN NOVEMBER COMMANDS IT!

[Salty]

THOSE FUCKERS GETTING TURKEY DINNERS FROM FOOD BANKS OUGHT TO HAVE MORE FAITH IN CAPITALISM! FUCKING SOCIALISTS!

[Suu]

...This thread is a horrible reminder that I need to spend most of tomorrow baking.

[Mangrove]

It's all a matter of perspective. You say 'potato' and I say 'po-tah-to'.

Nate isn't just being shipped off to Afghanistan. No, he's a hero on the front line of The War On Terror. He makes sure that America doesn't lose it's Freedom and become an Islamo-facist republic.

Your mom has breast cancer, but think of all the pink ribbons and car stickers you'll get out of this. Plus she probably got it eating soy products. I know this because the internet said so.

Your dad lost his job, but at least now he'll have more time at home. Perhaps he could get a greeter job at Home Depot? Think of the staff discounts!

2/3rds of depression patients do not have their symptoms controlled on their existing medications. There's always Abilify.

Grandpa will be ok. Bush 'simplified' medicare & medicaid for him.