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[P3nT4gR4m]

On behalf of the people of Scotland I'd like to bid you a stony "Fuck off". You'll get a warm welcome from some people if you come to Scotland but those people are invariably foreigners and while you're busy fucking off if you could see your way to dragging a couple of those cunts with you we'd appreciate it. Not so's you'd notice or get a thank you or anything but we would.

Tips to staying alive during your visit to Scotland

1. Forget about Braveheart. Seriously. We're not a nation of noble savages we are a nation of ignorant, vicious degenerates who'd give savages a bad name. We couldn't give less of a fuck about freedom or justice. All we want is cheap booze and we'll kill you to get it.

2. Just hand over the money. That little 12 year old kid in the tracksuit? He isn't fucking around and yeah it's broad daylight and yeah he'll get caught if he kills you but you know what? He wants to get caught. If he gets caught he gets sent to a nice warm jail and spends christmas with his family. So give him the fucking cash and pray he misses you with the machete - it's the best you can hope for.

3. These aren't the drinks you're looking for. It might look vaguely like a pint but it tastes like harpy venom and doubles as stain remover. Brewing and distilling is an expensive process and we have free petrochemical effluent backing up in the streets so our local brand of falling down water comes with some wicked side effects which can seriously fuck up your genetic structure if you weren't weaned on the shit. PROTIP: If a local can't afford a pint they'll wait until a tourist is dumb enough to try one then drink their foaming remains.

4. It's not the temperature or the humidity it's the moodswings that make our weather stand out. It's cold here and wet. It's always raining. It's colder in Iceland or Siberia. It's wetter in the rainforest but only Scottish weather comes with built in depression. Our brightest of sunny days will have most people reaching for the nearest bridge. You don't need to pack an umbrella you need prozac and lots of it.

5. Avoid the food. If you're here for any length of time starvation is a much less traumatic way to go. Our national dish is cholesterol with a side order of botulism. Hygiene is something we say to people called Gene. In most restaurants the policy is you can have a refund if your food hasn't been spat in but you have to fight the chef for it and he gets first choice of the kitchen knives.

6. True Scots may or may not be wearing something under their kilt (it largely depends if you catch them before or after they got so drunk they shit their underwear) The main reason for this myth is so that tourists will ask and it's as good an excuse as any to bludgeon them to death and steal their valuables.

7. The cops dont give a fuck what happened to you. They only took the job so the other cops would stop fucking arresting them. If you complain long enough the best you can hope for is they will bludgeon you to death and steal your valuables.

[AFK]

I'm booking my flight now.

I do have to say, the picture you posted looks like a scene you'd find in many a rural Maine neighborhood.  9 out of 10 homes have at least one rusted out vehicle in the backyard with a bunch of junk around it. 

Also, also,  for the pun.   

[Payne]

8. That bagpipe and kilt schmaltz is just a way to lure you in so the rabid schemie can get you from behind. To do what is at his discretion. If you're lucky it's already 3pm and he's drunk off his face: his aim will be off and it'll be harder for him to get it up. Of course, we have ways for compensating in such situations.

9. As Roger will tell you, our greatest enemy really is other Scots. We don't even view you as enemies, just distractions and obstacles.

10a. More than elsewhere you cannot judge the rockets, screamers and the plain old Mental Basturts on sight alone. When in Scotland avoid any and all people at all times.

10b. Playing "Spot the Spaniard", in an effort to find someone as scared, isolated and willing to cooperate in defence, will not help you. While it is true that many of our foreign visitors will be visibly more wrapped up against the chill, especially those from more pleasant climes, so too will some of our most psychotic (and heroin dependent) bastards.

11. Avoid wearing ANYTHING red, blue, green, orange, yellow, black, white or anything that looks even slightly like these colours. You will have your head put in by the denoted football teams most ardent enemies.

12. That isn't blood on the ground there, or a severed ear. That's a warning. Step back.

[P3nT4gR4m]

How could I have forgotten no 11???

[P3nT4gR4m]

13. When people address you as "sir" do not mistake this to be a polite expression of respect. Quite the contrary - it usually means you are about to die, rather violently. Run!

[Payne]

14. D/N/T The wide scale antipathy for The Proclaimers. We WILL walk 500 miles, and then walk 500 more just to be the antisocial raging asshat that's come tae kick yer door in and terrorise you, your goldfish and your elderly relative who is over for her weekly cup of tea and a biccy.

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

tickets have been booked a for about a week now...

Pixie- Needs to read Sun Tzu's Art Of War on the train.

[P3nT4gR4m]

There is no art to scottish warfare, per se. Our culture is so corrosive it's actually managed to debase the act of killing another human being with a pointy stick to the point where even battle hardened veterans have been known to puke and become withdrawn.

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

 15. Fictionpuss and his kind MUST and WILL be mercilessly punched in the face until they move to Canada to bitch about it.
16.- if you can claim to be Irish- Do it, it won't save you, but if you accidentally run into Celtic fans you might get some Guinness out of it at least.  Also the Irish are all mad bastards too, and they dont eat their own. Unless it's been fried in lard.

[East Coast Hustle]

Scotland sounds like my kind of place.

Fuck vacation, I might move there.

[Payne]

Scotland sounds like my kind of place.

Fuck vacation, I might move there.

Glasgow's your best bet, then.

[P3nT4gR4m]

There's something just badwrong lulzy about those 5 words all appearing in the same sentence like that

It's like the kind of thing a really subtle assassin would casually say to an unsuspecting mark.

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

Wow and here I thought Scotland was beautiful when the night was falling and the pipes were calling. Almost as if you could hear them loudly and proudly through the glen. I figured it was where the hills were sleeping and the blood was leaping as high as the spirits of old Highland men.

Guess I was wrong.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Don't beat yourself up over it. Our sewers are blocked with the carcasses of people who made exactly the same mistake

[Requia ☣]

I got a second opinion on this, from an ex-American who moved to Scotland.

He says you're a bunch of Londoners who can't handle Scotland, and that the people there are quite nice compared to where he used to live.

I am never ever going within 100 miles of Philadelphia.