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[Payne]

I have to admit Alphapance, I did not see that coming.

Are you feeling okay?

[LMNO]

I have to admit Alphapance, I did not see that coming.

I was aiming for the chin.

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

I AM NOT TALLER THAN PAYNE!

i be 5.ft3.5, payne is a whole 2 inches taller than A Pix.

spags.

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

I AM NOT TALLER THAN PAYNE!

i be 5.ft3.5, payne is a whole 2 inches taller than A Pix.

spags.

Pfffft, you're Scottish so you were probably drunk at the time of measuring. Can't trust the data.

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

I AM NOT TALLER THAN PAYNE!

i be 5.ft3.5, payne is a whole 2 inches taller than A Pix.

spags.

Pfffft, you're Scottish so you were probably drunk at the time of measuring. Can't trust the data.

BUT IM NOT SCOTTISH!  

[P3nT4gR4m]

But you were drunk. I almost remember that for a fact(ish)

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

But you were drunk. I almost remember that for a fact(ish)

Close enough!

[P3nT4gR4m]

srsly - history is written by the most sobar

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

srsly - history is written by the most sobar

YES AND SYNAPTYX IS NOT HERE TO AID OUR FRIED MINDS.

[Captain Utopia]

for some reason, Scottish people have been nothing but NICE to me.

this scares me.

Different time, different place, different ages of your peers. That'd be my guess anyway. There was also a tonne of anti-English sentiment during that period, not least to do with the Poll Tax - for a while I was a proxy for Thatcher - the Scots, still wanting their own parliament felt especially put upon by having such an unfair burden placed upon them by an authority far away which they didn't recognise and which did little to no work for them.

But by the time I left high-school, almost no adults I encountered ever made an issue of my nationality in a negative way, and certainly nothing violent.

[Payne]

On behalf of the people of Scotland I'd like to bid you a stony "Fuck off". You'll get a warm welcome from some people if you come to Scotland but those people are invariably foreigners and while you're busy fucking off if you could see your way to dragging a couple of those cunts with you we'd appreciate it. Not so's you'd notice or get a thank you or anything but we would.

Tips to staying alive during your visit to Scotland

1. Forget about Braveheart. Seriously. We're not a nation of noble savages we are a nation of ignorant, vicious degenerates who'd give savages a bad name. We couldn't give less of a fuck about freedom or justice. All we want is cheap booze and we'll kill you to get it.

2. Just hand over the money. That little 12 year old kid in the tracksuit? He isn't fucking around and yeah it's broad daylight and yeah he'll get caught if he kills you but you know what? He wants to get caught. If he gets caught he gets sent to a nice warm jail and spends christmas with his family. So give him the fucking cash and pray he misses you with the machete - it's the best you can hope for.

3. These aren't the drinks you're looking for. It might look vaguely like a pint but it tastes like harpy venom and doubles as stain remover. Brewing and distilling is an expensive process and we have free petrochemical effluent backing up in the streets so our local brand of falling down water comes with some wicked side effects which can seriously fuck up your genetic structure if you weren't weaned on the shit. PROTIP: If a local can't afford a pint they'll wait until a tourist is dumb enough to try one then drink their foaming remains.

4. It's not the temperature or the humidity it's the moodswings that make our weather stand out. It's cold here and wet. It's always raining. It's colder in Iceland or Siberia. It's wetter in the rainforest but only Scottish weather comes with built in depression. Our brightest of sunny days will have most people reaching for the nearest bridge. You don't need to pack an umbrella you need prozac and lots of it.

5. Avoid the food. If you're here for any length of time starvation is a much less traumatic way to go. Our national dish is cholesterol with a side order of botulism. Hygiene is something we say to people called Gene. In most restaurants the policy is you can have a refund if your food hasn't been spat in but you have to fight the chef for it and he gets first choice of the kitchen knives.

6. True Scots may or may not be wearing something under their kilt (it largely depends if you catch them before or after they got so drunk they shit their underwear) The main reason for this myth is so that tourists will ask and it's as good an excuse as any to bludgeon them to death and steal their valuables.

7. The cops dont give a fuck what happened to you. They only took the job so the other cops would stop fucking arresting them. If you complain long enough the best you can hope for is they will bludgeon you to death and steal your valuables.

BUMP

[Doktor Howl]

How did I miss this?  Oh, yeah, I was crazy when it was written.

I just pooped.   

[Cain]

Reality has once again defeated your best efforts.  This film was funded, in part, by the Scottish Tourism Board.  It features:

* a future where Scotland has been quarantined due to the onset of a deadly virus
* the survivors are either murderous, Mad Max style road cannibals, or
* brutally violent medieval style warriors
* insane amounts of gore and blood
* bad acting

Scotland's tourism agency VisitScotland welcomed Doomsday, hoping that the film would attract tourism by marketing Scotland to the rest of the world. The country's national body for film and television, Scottish Screen, had contributed £300,000 to the production of Doomsday, which provided economic benefits for the cast and crew that dwelled in Scotland. A spokesperson from Scottish Screen anticipated, "It's likely to also attract a big audience who will see the extent to which Scotland can provide a flexible and diverse backdrop to all genres of film."

[Payne]

Reality has once again defeated your best efforts.  This film was funded, in part, by the Scottish Tourism Board.  It features:

* a future where Scotland has been quarantined due to the onset of a deadly virus
* the survivors are either murderous, Mad Max style road cannibals, or
* brutally violent medieval style warriors
* insane amounts of gore and blood
* bad acting

Scotland's tourism agency VisitScotland welcomed Doomsday, hoping that the film would attract tourism by marketing Scotland to the rest of the world. The country's national body for film and television, Scottish Screen, had contributed £300,000 to the production of Doomsday, which provided economic benefits for the cast and crew that dwelled in Scotland. A spokesperson from Scottish Screen anticipated, "It's likely to also attract a big audience who will see the extent to which Scotland can provide a flexible and diverse backdrop to all genres of film."

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Bump