HELP - Ive got some virus on my comp

[The Johnny]

It is blocking me from accessing virus scanners and the Micro$oft website and im not sure if it has to do with my comp not having audio currently, although my hard drive recently broke down and im using a new one.

EDIT: Seems SS&D does not scan for viruses, time to test AV Eagle.

[Requia ☣]

If you can't access virus scanners you're probably out of luck, not much else that can be done without an ID of the virus.

[Cain]

Save all your files you want to keep (music, schoolwork, ebooks etc) to an external HD/memory stick etc and reinstall Windows, or use an earlier restore point.

Then install antivirus programs ASAP and scan everything you saved before putting it back on your hard drive.

[The Johnny]

Current course of action is downloading "Spybot S & D" its the only AV site/program that isnt blocked. (I have McAfee installed, but since its a new unupdated hard drive, its not with patches and asks me to connect to the internet)

Quering google for "i cant access microsoft.com" brings me to threads speaking of "MyDoom" virus which acts in this manner.

<Crossing my fingers for this SS&D to work.>

[The Johnny]

My recently deceased HD has all my information, its at a technicians workshop in retrieval...

Im guessing this new occurrance had nothing to do with its demise do, for it was making strange noises already...

This is definitely not my week.

[Triple Zero]

CAIN SAID SAVE ALL THE WORK YOU WANT TO KEEP, DO THAT NOW.

MAKE BACKUPS DAMNIT

even if you dont lose your shit and everything will be fine, you will still have backups, which are GOOD TO HAVE.

[LMNO]

JohNyx, JAM YOUR DICK IN THE USB PORT.  DO THIS NOW.  IT'S YOUR ONLY HOPE.

[Triple Zero]

AND DONT FORGET TO WATER YOUR COOLING FANS

[Soylent Green]

A good way to remove the virus is to take a blow torch to your hard drive.

I ASSURE YOU, YOUR VIRUS WILL DIE.

[Requia ☣]

Well, if it's MyDoom this will also fix it (courtesy of Symantec, which you probably can't access, so I uploaded it):

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=HJPTF5PR

Also try some of the less well known anti-viruses, Avast might be a good (and free) bet.

And when you do get things working again, make sure you run windows update, there are a lot of old nasties still floating around that you only get if you aren't up to date.

[Triple Zero]

Also, running executables from file upload sites is a great way to get more viruses. Which will then gang up and kill the original one.

[Requia ☣]

Quiet you, i need more slave systems. 

[Shibboleet The Annihilator]

1) Always back your shit up.
2) Always back your shit up.
3) ALWAYS BACK YOUR SHIT UP!
4) DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID!
5) Use a bootable antivirus disk to scan your computer and remove the viruses/rootkits if you can.
5a) If this fails, wipe everything and start over.
6) If you absolutely have to use Windows, get a good Antivirus (Avast is a good free one, Kapersky and McAffee are decent paid ones) program, keep it updated and run it regularly. You only need 1.
7) Use multiple (legitimate) anti-spyware programs. SBS&D is alright, but should be used in conjunction with others (Super Anti-Spyware is good).
See 1-4.

[Triple Zero]

I"m still of the opinion that anti spyware and anti virus software are scams sold by snakeoil salesman.

I do a scan about every month or so, or less depending on how paranoid I feel and it NEVER finds anything, except "tracking cookies".

And we all realize what "tracking cookies" are, right?

Just some random crap so that people get the idea the spyware/virus scanner is actually doing something, that's what.

That's why they're always back right the next time when you scan the following day.

I mean, it might actually be useful if it cleaned or anonymized *all* the tracking cookies, but it doesn't. Not by any stretch of the imagination, if you have ever bothered to check the crud in your browser cache and cookie database.

Nor are detecting "tracking cookies" anything I would expect an anti-spyware or antivirus to do for me. People expect those to keep their computers running speedy and flawlessly and not losing data. If they cared about their privacy they would get different tools.

No, the only reason why antivirus/antispyware programs pretend to protect your privacy by detecting a miniscule portion of the oceans and heaps of tracking cookies present on your computer, is because that if the anti spyware software would find 0 results every fucking time it did a scan, nobody would bother with that shit anymore.

In addition to that, if you DO get a virus, it fucks up your registry, either for a tiny part, or a large part. Antivirus/antispyware programs do NOTHING to fix that and your computer will get slower and more crashprone every time you get yourself a virus and remove it, thinking "BOY GOOD THING I HAVE THAT VIRUS SCANNER OH BOY"

Oh and in case your computer isn't running slow as hard poop through a funnel yet, you can always enable the "RESIDENT ANTI VIRUS SHIELD PROTECTOR MEGA DEFENSE"

[Shibboleet The Annihilator]

That's probably because you're much more careful than the average user. You probably use Firefox with NoScript and other security measures in place. You probably don't do stupid shit like visit risky sites using MSIE.

When things fuck with your registry it's probably best to wipe it out and start over, barring that you could use Hijack This. I can attest that SpyBot S&D and Super-AntiSpyware (as bad as the name is) actually do work. McAffee actually does work. Using BartPE with a virus scanner or three on it works. I use these on clients computers when I freelance as a tech and it clears a lot of the crap off. I usually advise that we wipe the whole system, but they never want to do that just like they never want to use Firefox or take any precautions. Stupid people are good for business.