Christmas Lovin'.

[Salty]

Let me start by saying what others here and elsewhere have said: I FUCKING HATE CHRISTMAS.

I know, I know. Another Christmas rant. It's almost a cliche.

Even worse is the story about a someone like me who learns to embrace this obnoxious holiday and finds true value in it.

Yet, I am going to embrace it. Let me explain.

I gave up on Christmas as soon as I was far enough away from my family to do so. 2000+ miles. My very favorite Christmas was the one spent alone, working graveyard in a big empty building. Just me, paid hours (time and a half at that), and a laptop. Right the fuck on. That was 2006.

Every year since then, even after moving back closer to my family, I have flat-out refused to celebrate it. I would get righteously, gloriously drunk on the solstice. But the gifts, spending time with my stupid family, the Christmas Fucking Spirit, nuh-uh. No sir. And I liked it that way. I also enjoyed spewing my hatred for the holiday whenever I had the chance; which, was whenever I opened my mouth from Black Friday until Jan. 1st. I liked that too.

But now....shit. I don't have a bloody choice.

Every relationship involves some level of compromise, and mine with Mrs. Alty has surprisingly little need of it. Thank Gawd. However, she loves Christmas. This ordinarily would not stop me from unleashing my internally justified hate. But we has the babies, and apparently your are a fucking MONSTER if you do not lie to your children about a fictional fat man in a red suit who brings you presents even when you act like a little shit*. I figured that shit out when I was six years old and gained nothing but churlish resentment.

But it's not really compromise that compels the decision that I've made. Honestly, I just do anything to make Mrs. Alty smile the way she does when the babies open their presents.**

So, because I'm a sucker, a mushy-hearted fool-for-women, I am going to get festive.

But, that doesn't mean it's going to be pretty.

You see, when I say I'm going to embrace Christmas, I really mean it. I am going to get intimate with Christmas. I am going to snuggle up to it, and love it, and get it nice and cozy. And then I'm going to fuck it in the ass.

With tinsel for lube.

I am going to fuck Christmas raw.

I am going to be the worst thing that's happened to Christmas since Charles Dickens***.

I am going to take Iptuous' advice and make this plastic holiday my own, with my own horrible traditions that will make carolers puke mid falla lala la.

My sweaters will be the tackiest, most hideous things I can find on ebay. The decorations outside of our house will make the Korean Open-Door Presbyterian Church-goers shit their pants driving past us. I will come up with other hilarious ideas I cannot think of at the moment.

I am going to shove this holiday right back into the unsuspecting faces of the people who were foolish enough to shove it in mine.

So MERRY MOTHERFUCKING CHRISTMAS MOTHERFUCKERS! YO HO, YO HO!

Wait, that's pirates. Fuck.












*WHO THE FUCK GIVES THEIR KIDS COAL FOR CHRISTMAS? FUCKING NOBODY! AND WE BLOODY WELL OUGHT TO!


**I do not, however, enjoy the complaints that we don't have enough for the kids and that makes her a shitty mother. That just seems stupid to me, considering there will be kids who will not only not get ANY fucking presents but will starve to death, et al., on that Magical, Joyous day.

***The pig-fucker.

[Triple Zero]

also, pics!

[Eater of Clowns]

 

Christmas traditions are so obscure and bizarre that you can make up pretty much anything for it.  There's a German tradition of putting a glass pickle in the tree and whoever finds it gets an extra present - GLASS PICKLE (which I need desperately for my own tree).

Two years ago we had some Australian friends of my step sister over for Christmas morning.  The night before I put empty wrapping paper tubes in the windows.  They asked why they were there and I explained it was a tradition.  In the depression kids wouldn't always know if they were getting gifts that year, so they would look for empty wrapping paper tubes as evidence that they were and would display them in the windows as codes to their neighborhood friends that they got presents.  My family had the gall to tell them the truth instead of sending them back with a weird story to tell.

[Freeky]

Christmas traditions are so obscure and bizarre that you can make up pretty much anything for it.  There's a German tradition of putting a glass pickle in the tree and whoever finds it gets an extra present - GLASS PICKLE (which I need desperately for my own tree).

Two years ago we had some Australian friends of my step sister over for Christmas morning.  The night before I put empty wrapping paper tubes in the windows.  They asked why they were there and I explained it was a tradition.  In the depression kids wouldn't always know if they were getting gifts that year, so they would look for empty wrapping paper tubes as evidence that they were and would display them in the windows as codes to their neighborhood friends that they got presents.  My family had the gall to tell them the truth instead of sending them back with a weird story to tell.

How rude of your family. 

[Brotep]

 


A few years back when I was living in dorms and there was Christmas caroling, and my RA wouldn't leave me alone until I joined in, I printed out some of these...And everybody had to sing them, or else it would have been religious discrimination or something.

[P3nT4gR4m]

My family had the gall to tell them the truth instead of sending them back with a weird story to tell.

gods law says - an eye for an eye.
Your family killed the funny...

[Cain]

Every time I see this thread title, I find myself thinking:

"Christmas lovin', had me a blast,
Christmas lovin', happened so fast
I met a girl, crazy for me
I met a boy, cute as can be

Ah, Christmas days, drifting to ah, oh the Christmas nights..."

I blame my boss's taste in music, for making me listen to Summer Loving 16 times over, while I tried to coordinate a food prep effort that would make the D-Day planners cry and give up in shame.

Anyway, I'm always amazed Christmas produces such strong emotions in people, one way or the other.  I dislike enforced joviality, organized religion and faux-morality obtained through consumption, but at the same time I like days off work, Christmas decorations, roast turkey, bizarre traditions, mulled wine and presents.  So on the whole, it balances out positively, though at the same time, it's no massive deal, and I will critcize the parts I dislike.

I dunno, maybe it's a British/colonial thing, since Payne seems to have a somewhat similar attitude.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Watched the Stephen Colbert Christmas Special last night.

The Toby Keith song made me poop, and has either cemented him as the new Johnny Cash, or destroyed him forever.

[Brotep]

The thread began with a great title.  And then it did horrible things.

Every time I see this thread title, I find myself thinking:

"Christmas lovin', had me a blast,
Christmas lovin', happened so fast
I met a girl, crazy for me
I met a boy, cute as can be

Ah, Christmas days, drifting to ah, oh the Christmas nights..."

I blame my boss's taste in music, for making me listen to Summer Loving 16 times over, while I tried to coordinate
a food prep effort that would make the D-Day planners cry and give up in shame.

Wow, that's terrible.  I used a similar allusion to that song as a title for one of the most obnoxious papers I've ever written.  In the second person.  There may have been a connection to Calvino.

[Salty]

The thread began with a great title.  And then it did horrible things.

Every time I see this thread title, I find myself thinking:

"Christmas lovin', had me a blast,
Christmas lovin', happened so fast
I met a girl, crazy for me
I met a boy, cute as can be

Ah, Christmas days, drifting to ah, oh the Christmas nights..."

I blame my boss's taste in music, for making me listen to Summer Loving 16 times over, while I tried to coordinate
a food prep effort that would make the D-Day planners cry and give up in shame.

Wow, that's terrible.  I used a similar allusion to that song as a title for one of the most obnoxious papers I've ever written.  In the second person.  There may have been a connection to Calvino.

It was almost Christmas Buttsex, but I wanted that bit to be a surprise.
I think the song works either way.

[Dimocritus]

Is it safe to say, then, that you will now be donning your gay apparel?

[Salty]

Sure am!

NSFW?
http://i848.photobucket.com/albums/ab46/Altyvision/26a28739.jpg


The pics of my Christmas glory will have to wait until next year, I only just made this decision and am too broke to afford my tacky, tacky dream.

[LMNO]

FA-LA-LA-FAAAABULOUS!
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