Time to start trolling the London Review of Books classified ads

[Cain]

I think I will fit right in:

I like to push artistic boundaries with all of my work. Except this. With this, I just want to get laid. Artistic man, 39. Would like to get laid.

I'm on level two of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I expect you're at one. By joining forces, I'll scale three in no time. You, however, will remain at one. I appreciate your sacrifice. Doughnut?

I enjoy art fashioned from driftwood and burlap, homemade pickle and apple butter. But if you think that makes me a closet sub-dom role play enthusiast, you're very much mistaken. F, 54. Strictly all about the burlap and the apple butter. Cornwall.

Writing this ad practically guarantees I'll lose my membership to the Magic Circle, which didn't even happen when I conjured a handkerchief from that deaf kid's ear. Ex-communicated magician, bon-viveur, and – it's true – soon-to-be your full-time lover, 48.

Perchance you'll read this advert. Perchance you'll fall in love with me. Man, fifties. Perchance you'll be a doctor and willing to confront the harrowing spectre of my mother's extended coccyx.

I bet my friend £18 I could find a woman here and have sex with her. If you reply and have sex with me, I'll cut you in at 37%. English Professor, 6

In North Korea, this ad wouldn't be banned, it would be revered and taught in schools as a palatable and preferable version of Western history. And in many ways, that's all the truth the children of North Korea need. M, 38.

Summarily ejected from the NLP course entitled 'How to Build a Better Girlfriend', thanks to turning up with the Ikea catalogue, allen keys, amyl nitrate, a blowtorch, a blow-up doll, a picture of the Queen Mummy and a gallon of vodka, I find myself standing here with singed eyebrows and my face covered with bits of latex, the fact I am unable to sit perhaps connected with the disappearance of those damn allen keys. Or maybe the blowtorch. Will you be my girlfriend? Drunk, drugged and deluded M, 38, covered in fragments of burnt latex with allen keys stuck up his arse. Or perhaps it's a blowtorch.

In my version of The Matrix, love and respect fly around in slow motion detail in lieu of spent bullets and shrapnel. And, instead of sentient machines draining our energy, our body heat powers a system of levers and pulleys I've rigged up to gadgets in my kitchen. Every time I experience arousal you'll automatically be rewarded with a Pop Tart: my way of thanking you for a job well done. M, 46. Both rewarding and ingenious and much friendlier than that Agent Smith character.

Write to me and if you don't find me to be a suitable mate I will send you free traffic updates on the hour, every hour for exactly one calendar year (for the Humberside region only). Traffic-broadcasting M, 34 (Humberside).

[Payne]

Fucking awesome!

[MMIX]

The London Review of Books is an erisian knocking shop . . . that is so cool

[Jean-Lustine d'Hadamard]

Summarily ejected from the NLP course entitled 'How to Build a Better Girlfriend', thanks to turning up with the Ikea catalogue, allen keys, amyl nitrate, a blowtorch, a blow-up doll, a picture of the Queen Mummy and a gallon of vodka, I find myself standing here with singed eyebrows and my face covered with bits of latex, the fact I am unable to sit perhaps connected with the disappearance of those damn allen keys. Or maybe the blowtorch. Will you be my girlfriend? Drunk, drugged and deluded M, 38, covered in fragments of burnt latex with allen keys stuck up his arse. Or perhaps it's a blowtorch.

and now I have hiccups.

Reminds me of Private Eye where a few years ago you'd get regular ads for (anti-)bugging devices in the classifieds.

[Cainad (dec.)]

Oh my That is awesome.

[Rococo Modem Basilisk]

The problem is, would anyone actually notice the trolling? Some of these are probably further out than what we could come up with.

[Requia ☣]

That just makes it more likely that they take you seriously.

[Cain]

There are actually book collections of these

http://www.amazon.com/They-Call-Me-Naughty-Lola/dp/1416540296/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_1

http://www.amazon.com/Sexually-Im-More-Switzerland-Personal/dp/1439125643