Tea to the Wall - Beyond Death Coffee

[Richter]

Death Coffee is by no means defunct or passe, but Science! demands we look ever forward and onwards.  Reviewing qualities of various teas from my own imbibing through the years, I'm trying to work up a blend which will seriously kick things up a notch.  Tea in general will never have the kick to ass nature of coffee.  Lower caffeine in the best of times, it's effect is a more subtle wake up over a longer time, and no associated crash.  Here's what I've started with:


Pu-erh tea - Suu dubbed it "Butthash tea" rightly, it tastes like ASS.   There's a mix with strawberry that nixes this flavor enough for anyone (with out the "refined" taste for it) to enjoy.  It works decently at kicking your metabolism up a notch, so they say.

Yerba Mate - The quasi caffeine substitute.  Some sources say it's a caffine analog, some say it's just a different type of caffeine.  Anyways, it works.  Last time I gave up coffee, it was only with a constant supply of this crap. 

Ginseng - Brain booster?  Chinese medicine?  Libido enchancer?  Studies varry, but I've always been OK with the stuff.

The Mad Science goal is to become an energized, high metabolism, high libidioed monstrosity.  Pulsating with veiny lividity at brain and crotch. 

The regular goal = a good energizing cup of tea.

Test Runs

#1:  Mixed three ingredients, brewed, and drank.  Tasted better than many teas, but muddled flavor. Collapsed and napped for many hours, likely due to recent moving / rebuilding a couch and going to an Indian buffet.  Woke up and was sharp into the wee hours of the morning.

#2: Omitted the yerba mate.  Got a much fruitier tea, decent wakeup.

Further trials:
-STRONGER extraction.  I may grind and pack it into the espresso machine.  I may use some of our incredible supply of OLD imported chinese ginseng extract (and risk heavy metal poisoning). 

-Humoring using white rum or strong vodka to make a tincture.  Both takes on the tea came out with a discenable sheen, so there may be an oil worth trying to extract.

- Unmixed ingredient.  These were made to be enjoyable teas, not metabolism / intellect boost.  They've made good tea, but we need EFFECT!


 

[LMNO]

Suggestion: Anti-oxidants.  Get the hard-core energy, and sandblast the crap out of your cells at the same time.

[Richter]

Aha!   I'll toss in some green into the mix.

[East Coast Hustle]

Yerba Mate should be all you need. If you make a concentrated enough batch of that stuff, it's like the best liquid crack you ever had.

And for the record, it IS a different kind of caffeine, one of only a handful (out of 90+ some-odd types of caffeine) that doesn't act directly on your central nervous system (hence the lack of jitters and no crash).

Also, I'm 100% certain that Pu Erh is actually ground up horse poop that someone was clever enough to sell to pretentious hipster tea snobs for beaucoup loot. Not for ingestion by actual humans.

[Jasper]

I have additionally found that a tea made from a mixture of fresh ginger and habanero is moste invigoratinge.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Camellia Sinensis also contains theophylline, another type of stimulant. On top of that, it contains theanine, a relaxant. It's sort of like Nature's little speedball.

[Doktor Howl]

I will be abstaining from this experiment, Richter, as tea is an abomination in mine eyes.

I will, however, follow any developments that may occur, for the gratification of the crumpet-suckers in my Cabal.

[East Coast Hustle]

I have additionally found that a tea made from a mixture of fresh ginger and habanero is moste invigoratinge.

that sounds good. I infuse fresh ginger and west indian lemongrass into all of my tea water, and it's fucking AWESOME.

[Rococo Modem Basilisk]

I think I can provide some independent results.

By the by, I've tried variations on things like this in the past. One of the best went like this:

Take a cup of day-old coffee. Take a bag of green tea, a bag of roobios tea, and a bag of ginger tea, and stick them in a large mug. Smother them with honey, and add a pinch of salt. Then, pour the cold coffee into the mug, and microwave the whole thing for three minutes. Mix with half a can of red bull. Serve.

[Reginald Ret]

guarana tea.
will try to OD on it soon.

[Rococo Modem Basilisk]

Overdosing on caffeine is neither difficult nor pleasant. I don't recommend trying it, but if you must, the easiest way is to down half a bottle of nodoz.

[Doktor Howl]

Overdosing on caffeine is neither difficult nor pleasant. I don't recommend trying it, but if you must, the easiest way is to down half a bottle of nodoz.

But then you don't get to enjoy the horrible thing lurking under the coffee/tea goodness.

[Rococo Modem Basilisk]

Overdosing on caffeine is neither difficult nor pleasant. I don't recommend trying it, but if you must, the easiest way is to down half a bottle of nodoz.

But then you don't get to enjoy the horrible thing lurking under the coffee/tea goodness.

You don't, no. You're too busy vomiting, eating hamburger rolls, convulsing, and trying to take a shit while surpressing the urge to run around in circles and bang your head against the wall.

[Doktor Howl]

Overdosing on caffeine is neither difficult nor pleasant. I don't recommend trying it, but if you must, the easiest way is to down half a bottle of nodoz.

But then you don't get to enjoy the horrible thing lurking under the coffee/tea goodness.

You don't, no. You're too busy vomiting, eating hamburger rolls, convulsing, and trying to take a shit while surpressing the urge to run around in circles and bang your head against the wall.

See, I get all of that, PLUS I get to enjoy a nice cup of joe.

And by "nice" I mean "tastes like Courtney Love's pap smear".

[Triple Zero]

guarana tea.
will try to OD on it soon.

You can buy guarana pills at Kruidvat, btw. At least, they did 5 years ago. Only sure effect I remember is that they did keep me awake, I could not sleep.