A few thoughts on friendship, arrogance, and assumed superiority.

[Doktor Howl]

One thing about Tucson is, it makes you value your friends.  It does this by randomly taking them away.  It does this with a disproportionate number of traffic accidents, or by making them junkies, or by them being shot or stabbed and tossed in a dumpster.  Or it just makes them recluses, or narcissistic basket cases who suddenly decide that all of their friends are somehow beneath them.

Fact is, you and I are beneath most of our friends, if you think about it.  We all have our failings, our dirty secrets, our regular old human foibles and faults that - taken together, with no filters - might make us seem to be somewhat of a collection of feces.

However, the great thing about friends is that they get to know you, and they still like you.  And if you're willing to pitch that away by exhibiting casual contempt for them, or by neglecting them, then you deserve the loneliness that you'll eventually experience, when folks around you finally catch on to your amiable disdain.

People don't like being spoken down to...It's harder to stomach than outright hostility, particularly when done "drive by" style.  Condescension, like many other things, can't really be taken back, at least not too many times.  After a while, people begin to doubt your sincerity.

Case in point:  At our local gameshop, there's a new-er guy by the name of Erin.  Funny guy, very witty.  He was a big hit for quite some time.  He started several new projects, organized a lot of things.  Then, one day, a few of us were tagging the front of the entire strip mall across the way with stickers and sidewalk chalk.  When I walked in to buy a soda, he asked what we were doing.  I told him, and invited him out to see.

"Oh, well, I suppose I better let you show me what you're so proud of."

"What the fuck?  Don't bother, if it's going to be a chore."

"No, let's go look at your fun."

He walked across, and took a look.  Then he turned to me and said, "Very cute.  Golf clap."

I honestly didn't know what to say.  My first instinct was to stomp him, but that didn't seem appropriate.  But the next time I stopped in at the store, he said hey, and I walked right past him.  He seemed puzzled, but that wasn't exactly my problem, was it?  I haven't spoken to him since...I have no time for people who think casual humiliation is somehow amusing, for the same reason I don't watch sitcoms (which seem to be based exclusively on humiliation and embarrassment, ho ho!).  From what I gather, he still doesn't understand why I won't give him the time of day, and I see no reason to explain it to him.  His value as a friend evaporated the instant he decided to treat me (and the people who were helping me) like a retarded child.

Funny thing is, it seems that I'm not the only one who feels that way about him. 

Burn enough bridges, and you can't get to anyone, anymore.  Treat people as if you're doing a favor by talking to them, and you'll find that you won't need to do many more "favors".  Act like you're too good for people, and they'll oblige your sensibilities by giving you what you want: Solitude in your fortress of arrogance.

Okay for now,
Dok.

[Freeky]

Bah, the guy's just a douche.

Douches, while they are not worth the time it takes to make and keep them friends, are not worth the effort of holding a grudge. They are, however, worth the time and patience to fuck with, and with there's enough douchebags in the world that you'll never run out, and if your joke is funny enough, you can play it again and again, if you want.

[LMNO]

Yeah.  I totally know what you mean, Dok-- there's this attitude of "being cool" that some people have, and I know I'm not entirely blameless here.

For some reason, getting excited and passionate about something that is frowned upon; if you show too much interest, you're suddenly "not cool enough."

Well, fuck that.  I'll get excited, and I'll be interested, and if I have to do it on my own, then I'll do that.  


And then people complain about how the "local scene" has died....

[Doktor Howl]

Bah, the guy's just a douche.

Douches, while they are not worth the time it takes to make and keep them friends, are not worth the effort of holding a grudge. They are, however, worth the time and patience to fuck with, and with there's enough douchebags in the world that you'll never run out, and if your joke is funny enough, you can play it again and again, if you want.

You were there that night.  You do know who I'm talking about, right?

And there's no grudge here, Freeky.  Just a complete lack of interest in him.  If I'm not up to his standards, then he can go find someone who is.

*shrug*

[Doktor Howl]

Yeah.  I totally know what you mean, Dok-- there's this attitude of "being cool" that some people have, and I know I'm not entirely blameless here.

For some reason, getting excited and passionate about something that is frowned upon; if you show too much interest, you're suddenly "not cool enough."

Well, fuck that.  I'll get excited, and I'll be interested, and if I have to do it on my own, then I'll do that.  


And then people complain about how the "local scene" has died....

Precisely.  

I'm too busy having fun to be cool, and I've recently decided that I won't be wasting time on people who think I don't measure up, somehow.  I never really DID, come to think of it, but there have been some exceptions.  There won't be, anymore.

[Cramulus]

cheers that, man. I'm about to move out of my town. About 40% of my motivation to do so is that I'm sick of my friends. They're a bunch of townies, deadbeats, and lazy introverts. They're the best kind of all three, but I can't keep getting sucked into orbit with them. Because their orbit has one track, and it's a slow downward spiral.

I often wonder if I should say something to them.

I mean, you hope that your friends will let you know if you've got something stuck in your teeth, right? If I'm acting like a shithead, I hope my friends are big enough to go "Dude, chill," rather than just avoiding me forever.

But what can you say? Can you say, "Hey man, I know we've been friends for over ten years, but in the last six months you have blown me off every single time I've invited you out. I'm moving because you take my friendship for granted." No, you can't say it. Well you can, but it'd be burning a bridge. And I have nothing to gain from that.

So I just go on letting my shithead friends be shitheads. I want to say, "You guys are awfully condescending for a bunch of townies." But would that help them? No, it would just embitter them towards me. They would start thinking of excuses rather than solutions.

One of my best buddies is unemployed now, and his schedule for the whole day looks something like, "10:30 AM - get blazed." He's not even looking for a new job, he wants to ride out unemployment for as long as he can. And he has no ambitions, no hobbies other than gaming, no forward motion in his life.



So I leave them to that fate. I want to help them, but who wants to get caught by the same gravity?

[Doktor Howl]

Another example is when someone expresses amazement that you did something right.  Or actually had a conversation without fighting or drama.  Or managed to piss without wetting your boots.  That sort of thing.

[Freeky]

Bah, the guy's just a douche.

Douches, while they are not worth the time it takes to make and keep them friends, are not worth the effort of holding a grudge. They are, however, worth the time and patience to fuck with, and with there's enough douchebags in the world that you'll never run out, and if your joke is funny enough, you can play it again and again, if you want.

You were there that night.  You do know who I'm talking about, right?

And there's no grudge here, Freeky.  Just a complete lack of interest in him.  If I'm not up to his standards, then he can go find someone who is.

*shrug*

I don't remember the guy. You pointed him out to me, as we drove away, and I remember seeing him, but I never met him before. Or at least don't remember it.

People who have high standards do not generally find people who hold up to them in a good light, I've found. So fuck him and his ilk; there's always the Dirty Boys on Grant Road.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

You could be describing my ex.

He makes friends for me; he's charming, witty, a good conversationalist. He is good at meeting people and drawing them into our social circle. And when he's done being charming, he's good at being condescending and demeaning. By then, though, his new friends have met the rest of us, and we get to keep them.

It sure must be hard when you're the coolest person you've ever met.

[Doktor Howl]

I don't remember the guy. You pointed him out to me, as we drove away, and I remember seeing him, but I never met him before. Or at least don't remember it.

Long red hair, slight acne scars, about your height.  I thought you knew him.

People who have high standards do not generally find people who hold up to them in a good light, I've found. So fuck him and his ilk; there's always the Dirty Boys on Grant Road.

Well, this is exactly it.  I'm more interested in people who are willing to have a good time, than people who are worried about how having a good time will look to the rubes.  LMNO hit it right on the head...If laughing your ass off makes you "uncool", then I will learn to live without being cool.

I admit that sometimes I laugh at inappropriate things, but it ain't easy having a good time, at least not in Tucson in 2010.

One reason I never have a problem driving out to get you, Freeky, is that you're more interested in fun than in image.  

Gonna hit some gallery openings next week, btw, if you're interested.  

[Doktor Howl]

You could be describing my ex.

He makes friends for me; he's charming, witty, a good conversationalist. He is good at meeting people and drawing them into our social circle. And when he's done being charming, he's good at being condescending and demeaning. By then, though, his new friends have met the rest of us, and we get to keep them.

It sure must be hard when you're the coolest person you've ever met.

Capture the crowd, then hold them in disdain for allowing themselves to be fooled?

Sounds like your ex doesn't like himself very much.

[Richter]

Some people just miss things.  Like blind spots in their perception or social ability.  The paranoia makes me wonder if it's them or me some days.

[Freeky]

I don't remember the guy. You pointed him out to me, as we drove away, and I remember seeing him, but I never met him before. Or at least don't remember it.

Long red hair, slight acne scars, about your height.  I thought you knew him.

Nope.

People who have high standards do not generally find people who hold up to them in a good light, I've found. So fuck him and his ilk; there's always the Dirty Boys on Grant Road.

Well, this is exactly it.  I'm more interested in people who are willing to have a good time, than people who are worried about how having a good time will look to the rubes.  LMNO hit it right on the head...If laughing your ass off makes you "uncool", then I will learn to live without being cool.

I admit that sometimes I laugh at inappropriate things, but it ain't easy having a good time, at least not in Tucson in 2010.

One reason I never have a problem driving out to get you, Freeky, is that you're more interested in fun than in image.  

Gonna hit some gallery openings next week, btw, if you're interested.  

Aww, I got all excited, and then realized I still have no one to babysit. I may not even be able to work, cuz my parents are out of town.

[Eater of Clowns]

You could be describing my ex.

He makes friends for me; he's charming, witty, a good conversationalist. He is good at meeting people and drawing them into our social circle. And when he's done being charming, he's good at being condescending and demeaning. By then, though, his new friends have met the rest of us, and we get to keep them.

It sure must be hard when you're the coolest person you've ever met.

I manage.  

We all fall into this trap, sometimes without meaning to, as LMNO mentioned above.  I take it from the way you presented it that this is a rather habitual thing with this guy.  It'd be different if he was just in a bad mood.  Let's face it, everyone has been a needless dick to someone as a result of a bad mood.  Everyone has said something that came out far more cruel than was intended.  The real difference between a person who's worth being around and one who isn't is that the former will be able to step back and say "hey, listen, I'm sorry I was such a shithead."  Arrogance is partly not being able to recognize when you have been one.

[Doktor Howl]

Some people just miss things.  Like blind spots in their perception or social ability.  The paranoia makes me wonder if it's them or me some days.

Yeah, sometimes you have to sort of question it..."Do I have a booger hanging out of my social nose?" kinda thing.

But sometimes it's fairly unmistakeable.  Sometimes it just slaps you dead in your face.  It's even more infuriating when people take advantage of the normal instinct to question yourself, and include a bit of passive-aggressive shittiness in with their contempt.  Or worse, do that when it's OBVIOUS that they were looking down their nose at you.

"What do you mean?  I wasn't talking about YOU, I was only saying."