Dear Squiddy

[Doktor Howl]

Dear Squiddy,

It has come to our attention that you are treating your fellow Floridians with something less than, shall we say, respect and common decency.  In fact, it seems that you've been a rotten bastard to many of them, and have shown little restraint in your criticism of their beliefs concerning Baby Jesus, the US Constitution (As they interpret it, and their interpretation is no less valid than yours, despite the technicality of them not having actually read it.), and their political efforts (To wit, the Tea Party.).

We've reviewed all the statements and witness testimony, and we have come to some conclusions:

1.  Dropping an obese and unwell 65 year old man down a manhole is NOT "helping him teabag".  Especially if the rope around his foot is 50 feet long, and it's only 12 feet to the bottom of the manhole.

2.  Mobility scooters are NOT "just like bumper cars", and are not capable of withstanding an impact from a standard sedan.  This should have been obvious, and we're not sure we believe your claims of ignorance.

3.  We do not feel that honestly mistaking the water rides at Disney for a bathroom is possible.

4.  "Donations" made in the poorbox of the local Evangelical Church should not be composed of hazardous biological substances, used tampons, or excrement.

5.  Paintball guns are not an acceptable counter-protest method.  Particularly when you aren't aiming at the signs of protestors.  One patient has had to have surgery, and any kids he has may be purple in color.

6.  Vomiting beer on newly-transplanted retirees is not an acceptable welcome to the great state of Florida.

7.  It's still rape if you yell "Margaritaville, bitch!".

8.  Vicious beatings of coworkers are frowned upon, even if they're "stupid".

9.  As 8, but concerning preschoolers, nuns, and "soccer moms".

10.  Crucifiction is not an acceptable way to help your neighbors "affirm their faith".

With the above facts in mind, we have recommended to the governor that you be expelled from Florida.  

Yours,
Doktor Howl
Uprightness Consultant to the Governor's Office.

[Cuddlefish]

10.  Crucifiction is not an acceptable way to help your neighbors "affirm their faith".

[LMNO]

7.  It's still rape if you yell "Margaritaville, bitch!".

I was not expecting that.

[Doktor Howl]

7.  It's still rape if you yell "Margaritaville, bitch!".

I was not expecting that.

Neither was I.   

I just got on a roll.

[Sir Squid Diddimus]

Dear Squiddy,

It has come to our attention that you are treating your fellow Floridians with something less than, shall we say, respect and common decency.  In fact, it seems that you've been a rotten bastard to many of them, and have shown little restraint in your criticism of their beliefs concerning Baby Jesus, the US Constitution (As they interpret it, and their interpretation is no less valid than yours, despite the technicality of them not having actually read it.), and their political efforts (To wit, the Tea Party.).

We've reviewed all the statements and witness testimony, and we have come to some conclusions:

1.  Dropping an obese and unwell 65 year old man down a manhole is NOT "helping him teabag".  Especially if the rope around his foot is 50 feet long, and it's only 12 feet to the bottom of the manhole.

2.  Mobility scooters are NOT "just like bumper cars", and are not capable of withstanding an impact from a standard sedan.  This should have been obvious, and we're not sure we believe your claims of ignorance.

3.  We do not feel that honestly mistaking the water rides at Disney for a bathroom is possible.

4.  "Donations" made in the poorbox of the local Evangelical Church should not be composed of hazardous biological substances, used tampons, or excrement.

5.  Paintball guns are not an acceptable counter-protest method.  Particularly when you aren't aiming at the signs of protestors.  One patient has had to have surgery, and any kids he has may be purple in color.

6.  Vomiting beer on newly-transplanted retirees is not an acceptable welcome to the great state of Florida.

7.  It's still rape if you yell "Margaritaville, bitch!".

8.  Vicious beatings of coworkers are frowned upon, even if they're "stupid".

9.  As 8, but concerning preschoolers, nuns, and "soccer moms".

10.  Crucifiction is not an acceptable way to help your neighbors "affirm their faith".

With the above facts in mind, we have recommended to the governor that you be expelled from Florida.  

Yours,
Doktor Howl
Uprightness Consultant to the Governor's Office.

Dear Dok,
  I've reviewed these conclusions and though you may think you have a pretty good assessment of my behavior towards my fellow Floridians please note the following retorts to your observations:

1. Dropping an obese and unwell 65 year old man down a manhole with a rope around his foot 50 feet long, and it's only 12 feet to the bottom of the manhole is, in fact, MAKING TEA. You just add water to the mess and drink up baby, this is how we do it down here. Besides, old bastard's just suckin up all my social security money

2. Mobility scooters are "just like bumper cars" in that they have a fucking rubber bumper all the way around. Why the hell else would they put that there. The only discernible difference I've noticed is the lack of lightning rod in the back which I am graciously glad to provide.

3. The water rides at Disney are made to look like the beach. Everyone pees in the ocean. FACT. Even the fish.

4. A donation is a donation, no matter what manner of "gift" it may be. They should feel so lucky to receive ANYthing that comes out of my body.

5. I'm a lousy shot with those things. Be glad it's just paint and not pissballs.

6. Vomiting beer on newly-transplanted retirees is A COMPLETELY acceptable welcome to the great state of Florida. It will prepare them for life in the sunshine state.

7. Even if it's still rape, by yelling "Margaritaville, bitch!" I am preparing them for any venturing outside their home. Jimmy Buffet is an inescapable icon in FL and if I have to tremble and vomit every time I hear his name mentioned, see a hawaiian shirt, or hear his fucking godawful tunes then so shall they. SO SHALL THEY.

8. Vicious beatings of coworkers are fucking required and part of the Wells Fargo Welcome Wagon.

9. Preschoolers, nuns, and "soccer moms" are just asking for it. WELCOME WAGON, BITCH!

10. Well maybe they should have though about that before wearing a crucifix around their neck, frequently visiting a building with a giant cross on top or praying in their living room about the Lord's suffering for their sins. I'm doing Jesus a favor!!

Governor Christ may be considering my expulsion, but I assure you it is only out of fear. I have started a pention to ban all spray tan salons. Something about orange skinned oompa loompas

or

[Jenne]

, My Friends.

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

Dear god I've laughed so much I'm crying!

[Doktor Howl]

2. Mobility scooters are "just like bumper cars" in that they have a fucking rubber bumper all the way around. Why the hell else would they put that there. The only discernible difference I've noticed is the lack of lightning rod in the back which I am graciously glad to provide.

The lighting rod is supposed to be attached to the car, not held upright by the prostate of the driver.  This should be obvious, as they cannot possibly operate the vehicle in the posture you left them in.

[Sir Squid Diddimus]

2. Mobility scooters are "just like bumper cars" in that they have a fucking rubber bumper all the way around. Why the hell else would they put that there. The only discernible difference I've noticed is the lack of lightning rod in the back which I am graciously glad to provide.

The lighting rod is supposed to be attached to the car, not held upright by the prostate of the driver.  This should be obvious, as they cannot possibly operate the vehicle in the posture you left them in.

Remember when you're parents used to say "suck it up nancy boy" when you scraped your knee? Same applies here.
Besides, I think it's an imrovement to their overall appearance.

[Doktor Howl]

2. Mobility scooters are "just like bumper cars" in that they have a fucking rubber bumper all the way around. Why the hell else would they put that there. The only discernible difference I've noticed is the lack of lightning rod in the back which I am graciously glad to provide.

The lighting rod is supposed to be attached to the car, not held upright by the prostate of the driver.  This should be obvious, as they cannot possibly operate the vehicle in the posture you left them in.

Remember when you're parents used to say "suck it up nancy boy" when you scraped your knee? Same applies here.
Besides, I think it's an imrovement to their overall appearance.

Point.

Dok,
Off to expel the governor.

[Sir Squid Diddimus]

On a rail big daddy. On a RAIL.

[Doktor Howl]

On a rail big daddy. On a RAIL.

Split rail.  Oh, yeah.

[Freeky]

On a rail big daddy. On a RAIL.

Split rail.  Oh, yeah.

I feel like I ought to be bending someone's space/time right about now, but I can't tell if it is really necessary...

FUCK.

[Doktor Howl]

On a rail big daddy. On a RAIL.

Split rail.  Oh, yeah.

I feel like I ought to be bending someone's space/time right about now, but I can't tell if it is really necessary...

FUCK.

No, google "being ridden out on a rail".  Not sexy.  Unless you're me. 

[Freeky]

Oh.


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