Professor Cramulus: 1980-something - 2010, RIP

[Doktor Howl]

Friends,

It is my sad duty to inform you that Professor Cramulus has left us.  It seems that he was found stabbed to death by what appear to have been syringes, in a filthy alley in New York City.  While he may have been poked to death by junkies, it is worth noting that the building adjacent to the alley where he was found houses a diabetes support group.

Nobody's really sure how he got to NYC, as he was last seen eating a bowl of "Sugar Coated Chocolate Bombs" in the breakroom at his place of employment, and police are looking into the possibility that he was "abducted by freaks".  Cainad has been named as a "person of interest".

Professor Cramulus was an esteemed colleague of mine, and the field of Assbaggery anthropology will not be the same, now that he's gone.  It is said that in his home town of ______, children weep and old people just shake their heads sadly, and say "Just like old John Dillinger, I tell ya!  Now we're gonna have to break up our stills."

They're running out of heroes in the hills of upstate New York, and with Professor Cramulus gone, the population will be at the mercy of revenuers, roving gangs of diabetics, and cancer babies.  Truly, it is the end of an era for them, and they may even have to move to civilization before the upside down people find them.

Cramulus will be interred in the time honored rural New York fashion...That is to say, his remains will be UPSed to an illegal landfill in the pine barrens of New Jersey.  He will be buried with his mustache, pipe, and the Browning Automatic Rifle he loved so dearly, and used to such effect on dirty rotten G-Men.

The pith helmet, unfortunately, was never found.

[Jenne]

I shall miss his mustachioed mythos and superior WOMP skills...

O Cram O Cram,
Wherefore shall we now receive
Your insightful postings
Now that we are bereav'd?

Please bless us from above,
Or if preferred, below,
And hear our skiddoo'd sorrows
For your lulzy antics we shall miss so.

O Cram O Cram,
Like a genius of art and deed,
You brought many together
By planting a generous seed.

May we remember you forev'r
For your circumspect ways
And your gasmy foibles
That brought in the internet strays.

[Freeky]

WE WILL MISS YOU CRAM!

-plays the bagpipes-

[Doktor Howl]

WE WILL MISS YOU CRAM!

-plays the bagpipes-

Yes, I shall miss those crazy summer nights, with Cram shooting at policemen from the running board of my flivver, bellowing out "YER YELLA, COPPERS!  YER YELLA, SEE!  EAT LEAD, FED!", or his witty repartee with that cad J. Edgar Hoover ("I ain't saying nothing til my mouthpiece gets here, see?").

But a life lived in such a fashion was bound to come to an early, horrible end.  I guess life just bugged him.

[Freeky]

WE WILL MISS YOU CRAM!

-plays the bagpipes-

Yes, I shall miss those crazy summer nights, with Cram shooting at policemen from the running board of my flivver, bellowing out "YER YELLA, COPPERS!  YER YELLA, SEE!  EAT LEAD, FED!", or his witty repartee with that cad J. Edgar Hoover ("I ain't saying nothing til my mouthpiece gets here, see?").

But a life lived in such a fashion was bound to come to an early, horrible end.  I guess life just bugged him.

Do you think he went to a better place?

[Doktor Howl]

WE WILL MISS YOU CRAM!

-plays the bagpipes-

Yes, I shall miss those crazy summer nights, with Cram shooting at policemen from the running board of my flivver, bellowing out "YER YELLA, COPPERS!  YER YELLA, SEE!  EAT LEAD, FED!", or his witty repartee with that cad J. Edgar Hoover ("I ain't saying nothing til my mouthpiece gets here, see?").

But a life lived in such a fashion was bound to come to an early, horrible end.  I guess life just bugged him.

Do you think he went to a better place?

No, not really.  The Good Lord will forgive many things, but making priests shit themselves "for kicks" isn't one of them.  I fear that The Professor is dodging angry cancer babies elsewhere.  Or perhaps he's chained to a giant rock, while insulin junkies tear out his pancreas, only to have it regenerate every night.

[Freeky]

WE WILL MISS YOU CRAM!

-plays the bagpipes-

Yes, I shall miss those crazy summer nights, with Cram shooting at policemen from the running board of my flivver, bellowing out "YER YELLA, COPPERS!  YER YELLA, SEE!  EAT LEAD, FED!", or his witty repartee with that cad J. Edgar Hoover ("I ain't saying nothing til my mouthpiece gets here, see?").

But a life lived in such a fashion was bound to come to an early, horrible end.  I guess life just bugged him.

Do you think he went to a better place?

No, not really.  The Good Lord will forgive many things, but making priests shit themselves "for kicks" isn't one of them.  I fear that The Professor is dodging angry cancer babies elsewhere.  Or perhaps he's chained to a giant rock, while insulin junkies tear out his pancreas, only to have it regenerate every night.

But what about all the good work he did with Terror Babies, by making sure they "disappeared", never to crop up again? Surely God has it in his heart to forgive someone who loves America that much?

[Doktor Howl]

But what about all the good work he did with Terror Babies, by making sure they "disappeared", never to crop up again? Surely God has it in his heart to forgive someone who loves America that much?

You bring up a good point, but I feel that may have been canceled out by his un-American lack of blubber and his habit of "Walmart shopper-tipping", in which he would sneaking up on dozing shoppers, and kick one over, resulting in a domino effect that resulted in mass injuries, structural damage to the store, and DOLLARS worth of ruined Chinese crap...Not to mention his hijacking of their announcement system, in which he declared "All the Ding Dongs you can carry for $10, this offer good only for the next 10 minutes", which led to the trampling deaths of dozens, and a bloody melee that resulted in a rotund young man being strangled with his own sports bra.

No, Cramulus was my friend, but he was not on the side of the angels.

[Freeky]

But what about all the good work he did with Terror Babies, by making sure they "disappeared", never to crop up again? Surely God has it in his heart to forgive someone who loves America that much?

You bring up a good point, but I feel that may have been canceled out by his un-American lack of blubber and his habit of "Walmart shopper-tipping", in which he would sneaking up on dozing shoppers, and kick one over, resulting in a domino effect that resulted in mass injuries, structural damage to the store, and DOLLARS worth of ruined Chinese crap...Not to mention his hijacking of their announcement system, in which he declared "All the Ding Dongs you can carry for $10, this offer good only for the next 10 minutes", which led to the trampling deaths of dozens, and a bloody melee that resulted in a rotund young man being strangled with his own sports bra.

No, Cramulus was my friend, but he was not on the side of the angels.

What a tragic death, and without enough time to become properly American.

[Doktor Howl]

What a tragic death, and without enough time to become properly American.

Just another 100,000 calories and he'd have been saved.   

[Freeky]

What a tragic death, and without enough time to become properly American.

Just another 100,000 calories and he'd have been saved.   

OH WOE IS LOST YOUTH, SENSELESSLY WASTED ON GOOD UNAMERICAN CHOICES!

[Doktor Howl]

What a tragic death, and without enough time to become properly American.

Just another 100,000 calories and he'd have been saved.   

OH WOE IS LOST YOUTH, SENSELESSLY WASTED ON GOOD UNAMERICAN CHOICES!

See, kids?  There's a reason you're supposed to spend lots of time in front of a video game console.  There's a purpose to all those Cheetohs and snack cakes.

Let this be a lesson.  The next victim could be YOU!

[Kai]

 

[PopeTom]

Will one be allowed to get mustache rides from the corpse at the wake/funeral?

[Doktor Howl]

Will one be allowed to get mustache rides from the corpse at the wake/funeral?

Yeah, but it's a long ride to the bottom of the landfill.

The Management cannot be responsible.