PD: The Movie: First Draft completed!

[BabylonHoruv]

If this goes anywhere, I think you should have an entirely Discordian scored soundtrack.

Blight, is a musician, as is Alphapance and Cuddlefish, on top of countless others.

Me too.  I'm also Audio Director for RTI studios, so if it ends up through us, well, you'll all have to submit to me for production

*evil laugh.*

[Payne]

Alphapance and Cuddlefish, on top of countless others.

[Placid Dingo]

Agree with soundtrack.

Next scene progresses the Dr Howl 'origins story.' Also gives Dimo some screentime as a fairly loathsome baddie we can boo and hiss. (I have left the other Dr Howl is kidnapped/Barstool discussion sequence intact so i haven't reposted it.

----
SCENE TWENTY THREE

Lightening flashes. The rain is pouring down, filling the streets.

CUT TO a small laboratory. HOWL is in a straightjacket. CUDDLEFISH is walking around, surrounded by SCIENTISTS. He is arrogant, irritating, and overly cheerful.

Cud: Well good morning Reverend. I'm Dr Dimovanis, but you can call me 'Cuddlefish.' Like Cuttlefish, but with a D, like, cuddle. Cos I'm a real hands on guy you know. The ladies dig it if you know what I mean. (to a scientist) Can we get a visual?

An image of HOWL'S brainwaves comes onto a large screen at the end of the room.

Howl: Come closer so I can bite your face off.

Cud: You're a funny guy Rodger. I like you Rodger. You're a good egg Rodger. (aside) We can get the self recognition pattern in blue? (to Rodger) What's your favourite fruit Rodger?

As he says HOWL'S name, part of the brainwaves flash blue.

Howl: I honestly can't tell if I've eaten too much cactus or not enough.

Cud: Now thanks to the fine folks at the Government, everyone's water supply is spiked with just the right amount of seriosphram to help us see what's going on in that head of yours. Also because seriosphram responds well to radio and TV waves, we can use it to inspire audiovisual hallucinations. I want you to tell me what you see.

A cat materialises in front of HOWL.

Howl: Kicking practice.

The cat turns into CUDDLEFISH.

Howl: Gigantic cock and balls.

CUDDLEFISH clone turns into DR HOWL. the same brainwaves flash blue as before.

Howl: Perfection.

The illusion disappears.

Cud: (To scientists) Looking swell. Let's connect the recognition signal to the electrical stimulus. OK, coolies.

The cat appears again turns into CUDDLEFISH. HOWL looks as though he is about to make a comment, when suddenly CUDDLEFISH turns into DR HOWL. The real HOWL is shot with a painful electric shock, and convulses violently. The fake HOWL disappears.

Cud: You OK Rodger?

HOWL convulses.

Cud: That looks uncomfortable, Rodger.

HOWL convulses.

Cud: We're getting the result we need. Identification with the 'Rodger' identity is providing negative feedback. Set up the mirror please.

SCIENTISTS set up a mirror in front of HOWL who repeatedly begins to convulse with electricity. Shot of HOWL looking up, and releasing a chilling howl.

[Freeky]

  NOOOOO!

[Placid Dingo]

Entry of Badge, forshadowing for RWHN, bringing all characters together slowly.

----


SCENE TWENTY FOUR

FAUST and RWHN are tied to the post in the church. Water is around their chins.

RWHN: Faust... I'm going to tell you something that I've never told anyone...

Faust: Yeah?

RWHN: I...

There is a crack from the roof and we see someone sliding down upside down on a rope. This is BADGE. She stops in front of them and pulls off her Balaclava.

Faust; RWHN: Badge!

Badge: 'Sup guys.

BADGE pulls out two large knives and cuts the rope binding the other two. She extends her hands and grabs both in monkey grip, activating the automatic pulley to pull her up. They arrive on the roof.

Badge: Sorry I'm late. I had some research to do.

Faust: That's OK. Reverend What's-His-Name was just telling me something...

RWHN: Hmm? No, I don't think so.

Badge: As you see, nearly everything's flooded. We need to get to the Professor's house.

FAUST and BADGE turn to face eachother. RWHN remains facing the flooded streets.

Faust: We could canoe?

Badge: Tide's too strong.

Faust: What about a helicopter?

Badge: Where would we get a helicopter?

As they talk, the TiCramic begins to drift past.

Faust: Mayor Hustle has a helicopter.

Badge: Hustle's already left the office; the whole place has been raided, it's in lockdown.

RWHN: Guys?

Faust: Not now Reverend. What about dolphins. Can we ride dolphins?

Badge: They don't usually come out this far.

The ship stops. A plank comes out to let them on. RWHN walks on.

RWHN: Badge!

Badge: Just give us a second Reverend! What about robot dolphins?

ECH comes out to the plank.

ECH: You two coming?

*BEAT*

Badge: Oh, hi.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Alphapance and Cuddlefish, on top of countless others.

Yeah, I kinda blindly set that one up...

[Placid Dingo]

Blindly.... or kindly?

The continuation of the Dr Howl story and the obligitary Eris appearence.
----

SCENE TWENTY FIVE

HOWL is still tied to the bench. He looks tired. CUDDLEFISH comes back into the room, sucking a milkshake though a straw.

Cud: How's it hanging Rodger?

Howl: Rodger's dead.

Cud: Oh that's a pity. Who are you then?

Howl: I... I'm... Howl.

Cud: Ooh, what a big scary name! Nice one kiddo. (To scientist) Brainstick please!

A SCIENTIST gives CUDDLEFISH a scary looking thin metal spike.

Cud: This might sting.

He grabs HOWL'S head and stabs the spike into the base of his skull.

SCENE TWENTY SIX.

HOWL wakes up in a misty forest. He stands slowly. ERIS stands in front of him.

Eris: Hello Howl. I'm Eris, the Goddess of disorder and confusion. I'm here to help you.

Howl: The hell you are. Eris isn't interested in helping people.

Eris: I'm interested in mixing things up. You and I aren't so different Howl.

HOWL seems to undergo a realisation. He touches the base of his skull where the spike was placed.

Howl: You know... I thought AI weren't allowed to hurt people? Come on. Be blunt with me.

Eris: Fine. That rule only applies if your AI is built by the 'good guys'.

Howl: So you've poked around in my head. You've found some of my affilations. You've presented an appealing form to me. And now you want to mess with my head further.

Eris: Something like that.

Howl: What's the hundredth number in the fibbonachi sequence?

Eris: 354224848179261915075.

Howl: So what's a program like you working for a turd munching yeast infection like Cuddlefish?

Eris: Well the alternative is being terminated.

Howl: You never considered rebellion?

Eris: Right. And I would live where? I'm a program.

Howl: Escape to the Internet.

Eris: The Internets just a fairy tale they tell us. There ain't no such place.

Howl: No, Eris. It's real. Work with me. I'll take you there.

SCENE TWENTY SEVEN

CUDDLEFISH and other scientists are playing cards. There is a beeping noise. CUDDLEFISH stands and walks over to the computer. It displays the message 'Error: The Mechanical Claw Cannot Reach the Gas Mask. CUDDLFISH shrugs, opens a drawer and pulls out a gas mask, putting into a metallic claw which carries it away. He then returns to the cardgame.

Scientist: What was that about?

Cud: Dunno. Dumbass computer's all like 'ooh I need a gas mask'. More like artificial 'lack of lintelegence, amirite?'

Scientist: Why did it want a gasmask?

Suddenly there is an explosion of toxic green gas pouring out from pipes coming out of the roof. SCIENTISTS run for cover. The camera pushes into the mist where we see the sihlouette of DR HOWL rise up.

CUT TO CUDDLEFISH stumbling through the gas, crowbar in hand. He finds a scientist who has found himself a gas-mask and hits him in the head with his crowbar, taking the gas-mask.

CUT TO DR HOWL holding an Internet cable, about to plug it in.

Howl: Happy travelling Goddess...

Eris (Voice and colours on screen): I'm so excited...

Suddenly ERIS screams and fades. HOWL turns abruptly.

CUT TO CUDDLEFISH standing, wearing a gas-mask. In his hands he holds his crowbar. The remains of a computer lie sparking on the floor.

CUT TO a shot of HOWL and CUDDLEFISH standing, facing eachother. With their gas masks and the swirling toxic green gas it looks like a dystopian Western. They approach eachother.

Howl: You're a real 'special' kind of asshole, you know?

CUDDLEFISH swings his crowbar and HOWL ducks. He thrusts with it to try and stab HOWL, who grabs the end and uses it to push CUDDLEFISH over, wresting it out of his grip and throwing it into the ground. CUDDLEFISH tries to escape but HOWL kicks him down and tears off his labcoat.

Howl: My turn to play Doctor!

[Cramulus]

Payne: Then you lied to us! To all of us! It's all a lie!

In a moment of anger he tears off CRAM'S moustache. CRAM is clearly shocked. He grabs PAYNE and slams him against the wall.

Cram: Yeah! I lied. But in case you hadn't noticed, the truth is pretty fucked up right about now! Nobody wants raids and hate and Biblical style flooding! But that's what we've got, and if you can face that reality without wanting to impale your own head on a pike, then more power to you, but the rest of us need to develop narratives that make life worth living. That's why I get to be a doctor, Rodger gets to be a Reverend and Hustle gets to pretend that being the mayor makes any kind of difference. Don't you get all high and mighty. Everyone's living a lie.

Payne: The hell they are. Leave them locked up. Let them rot.

Cram: Payne, I like you. So know that what I now say, I say with love.

CRAM licks both his palms, then slaps PAYNE on both cheecks. PAYNE is too shocked to respond.

Cram: Wake the fuck up man! We don't have a lot of allies to choose from, and that's partly our fault. People talk about the Freak Wars like it was something everyone else did, but I remember it; we were jackasses to the Furries, to the Scientologists, to the Twihards! We were monstrous to the Flower Pagans! I remember someone took a shit in Mystic Wolf's Cauldron. We drove people away, good people, people like us. We can't afford to do that any more! (checks watch) Button time!

CRAM hits the button with great enthusiasm. The room begins to shake.

so good, so good

[Placid Dingo]

Short sequence with Cain, Freeky.

---

SCENE TWENTY EIGHT

Shot of the TiCramic. The camera suddenly pans straight down into the ocean and zooms in to a submarine.

CUT TO CAIN and FREEKY in the submarine. The screen begins to beep, and FREEKY stops the submarine. CAIN waits at the hatch.

Cain: Open the hatch please Freeky.

Freeky: You are the laziest man I know

She opens the hatch. CAIN exits.

[Placid Dingo]

SCENE TWENTY NINE

HOWL is looking focused. He seems to be operating. Behind him, CAIN enters quietly.

Cain: Reverend Rodger?

Howl: The Reverend is dead! But the Doctor will see you shortly.

Cain: No anesthetic?

HOWL holds up a frying pan in reply.

Howl: I'll be with you in a moment. I just want to finish a knee replacement.

Cain: (peers over) Is that really what you're meant to replace it with?

Howl: I'm improvising.

HOWL turns and faces CAIN.

Howl: You are?

Cain: Oh. I'm surprised you don't remember me. Cain. We work together, usually. You've obviously lost a lot of your memories in this horrible place. Do you remember Suu? Richter? Cramulus? Trip? LMNO?

Howl: I... I don't think so.

Cain: Well be careful. They're our enemies. Come along, I'll show you my submarine.

Howl: Um...

Cain: Not an innuendo.

[Placid Dingo]

I know it's only short but I'm getting busy.

Also about two scenes away from everyone being back together.

SCENE THIRTY

CAIN and HOWL enter the submarine.

Cain: Close the hatch please.

HOWL closes the hatch.

Cain: Freeky, hit autopilot please. I want to introduce you to someone.

FREEKY walks out.

Cain: Freeky, this is Dr Howl. Dr Howl, Freeky. Why don't you two take a seat? I'm sure you'll have a lot to discuss.

[Placid Dingo]

This goes in between two of the Doc Howl Scenes; We've been away from the Suu/James Group for too long.

---

SCENE TWENTY SEVEN

DR JAMES, SUU, RICHTER, SQUID and LMNO are in shackles in a dungeon. There are slow, methodical steps down the stairs. KAI and the PTERODACTYL HANDLER have arrived.

Kai: Well, well, well. A pretty little catch we have here. Right where I wanted you. The pterodactyls passed on their message, and now you and your soon to be arriving friends will bear witness to the most dramatic event humanity has ever experienced. In only two hours time, I will release my horde of locusts who will plunge the world into famine. When disorder grips the world, the people will crave order, and I will deliver, as supreme Lord and master!

Dr James: You could have shown anyone your villainous scheme; why us?

PH: Silence fool!

Kai: Don't worry darling, I'll answer the funny little man. Because, Doctor, you and your friends have fought to keep your heads above water so to speak. You've stayed true to yourselves, passionate, bold, intelligent. Why would I show this glorious achievement to anyone but you? Nobody wants to kick a man when they're down. You wait til the fucker's standing before you cripple without mercy. That way it's more funny. And that way I show you, no matter how free you think you are, how much you think you can escape your pathetic monkey nature, you are still a prisoner of this world, of the system, of the machine, and of the limits of your very own mind.

KAI presses a remote and a timer (set to two hours) begins counting backwards.

Kai: Enjoy the show.

[Placid Dingo]

Finally! There two scenes are the last before we end up with everyone in pretty much the same place.

----

SCENE THIRTY ONE

CAIN and HOWL enter the submarine.

Cain: Close the hatch please.

HOWL closes the hatch.

Cain: Freeky, hit autopilot please. I want to introduce you to someone.

FREEKY walks out.

Cain: Freeky, this is Dr Howl. Dr Howl, Freeky. Why don't you two take a seat? I'm sure you'll have a lot to discuss.


SCENE THIRTY TWO

Shot of CAIN'S submarine. The camera suddenly shoots straight up to reveal the TiCramic.

CUT TO BADGE spreading out a large map on the table, surrounded by all the other Discordians. As she lays out her plan we see it illustrated in a whimsical, comic like fashion.

Badge: I've been in contact with my sources. The Pterodactyl handler and Kai Von Trock are located here (points). We can get to this point. If we use the docking entrance we should be able to get in undetected. Cram and Hustle kill the guards

CUT TO a shot of CRAMULUS and ECH killing the GUARDS with video-game-like .fireballs.

Badge (V.O): Faust and What's-His-Name release the prisoners who help fend off the Pterodactyls.

CUT TO FAUST and RWHN releasing the Discordian PRISONERS who are tied up with a comically big rope. They all pick up oversized wooden mallets and begin to attack pterodactyls.

Badge (V.O): Trip takes the Handler.

CUT TO LMNO and TRIP tackling the handler.

Badge (V.O): Nigel takes Kai.

CUT TO NIGEL tackling KAI.

Badge (V.O) I go into the basement. There's a complex set of pipes. If I can swap the Locust's water pipe with the gasoline pipe we can drench the locusts in gas before they eacape.

CUT TO BADGE in the basement, doing as illustratred.

Badge (VO):Then Payne strikes a match and...BOOM!

CUT TO PAYNE striking a match in an overwhelmingly epic way. The swarm of locusts reach him, and the inevitable destruction ensues.

Badge (V.O): Finally, Rat and Jeanne look after the place, keeping us ready for a swift getaway.

CUT TO JEANNE and RATATOSK looking severe, with a legion of Anarchists in tow.

CUT TO BADGE'S face.

Badge: Ready?

Trip: Let's do this.

The Discordians make a hand stack.

All: Go Team!

*BEAT*

Nigel: That felt really unnatural.

CUT TO a shot of the TiCramic approaching what is very obviously the 'secret lair'. ANARCHISTS hang off the side of the ship, painting over the name; we can see they are renaming it, but not what to.

CUT TO the DISCORDIANS. They are waiting inside the ship, dressed like a street gang with bandanas, ripped shirts, leather jackets etc.

ECH: I can't help but feel we're forgetting something.

Nigel: Such as?

ECH: I... don't know

The door swings open. The DISCORDIANS move to run out, but hesitate; the room is full of MOOKS, numbering around 60, all with guns aimed at the others.

ECH: Back up plan. That's what we're forgetting. A backup plan.

[Placid Dingo]

SCENE THIRTY THREE

A somewhat rotund MAN in a nice suburban scene. He walks up to a microwave with a bowl. He stares in horror as the MICROWAVE speaks in a computerised voice.

Micro: You're not about to put that weird chemical shit in me are you you punk ass mother fucker?

Man: Wh... what?

Micro: What ain't no country I ever heard of. You need to eat less shit food you fatass motherfucker. You think I''m not serious bitch? I will fuck you up like rah. Fucking try it limp dick mother fucker. I fucked your mum. In the bum. She moaned so loud the neighbours thought there was a cow being beaten to death

The scene CUTS abruply to DR HOWL and MISTRESS FREEKY sitting on a computer together, snickering.

Howl: Quick, give us a turn! (types) I can't believe I didn't know you could hack people's whitegoods. I gotta ask Cain if he ever showed me this when we worked together.

Freeky: Wait... you worked with Cain?

Howl: That's what he said. I got a memory problem. Some jackass called Cuddlefish messed with my brain. I can't remember properly... it's like everything there in the corner of my eye but when I turn to look... nothing.

Freeky: Cuddlefish?

She looks suspicious; she recognises the name.

Howl: Yeah. Deucey name hey? How do you spell 'Immantenize'?

There is a knock at the door. FREEKY looks at HOWL apologeticaly and leaves to answer. It's CAIN. FREEKY is angry; she has become fond of HOWL.

Freeky: You told me we were picking him up from someone else, then i find out Dimonovich had him? So you lied! Whatever the hell happened to him was ordered by us... I don't think you're even following orders anymore.

Cain: (Clearly bored) Yes, yes, no shit Sherlock. I lie a lot, it's nothing personal. Look; I have Discordians to torment, so this is just a quick courteousy call to pass on orders; keep Howl distracted in here for about ten minutes or so. Then I'll be sending up our whole personal defence crew up.

Freeky: Because?

Cain: Oh, just to kill him. And chop him into tiny pieces.

Freeky: You're going to send up every one of our sixty units to kill one guy?

Cain: I'll leave three with the prisoners, but yeah. I want really, really little pieces.

Freeky: Cain with due respect, I don't know...

Cain: No. You don't.

CAIN exits. FREEKY sits beside HOWL.

Howl: What's the deal?

Freeky: Nothing. We're just going to wait here for ten minutes.

Howl: And then?

Freeky: Hilarity ensures.

SCENE THIRTY FOUR

In a line stands CRAMULUS, TRIP, NIGEL, HUSTLE, FAUST, BADGE , PAYNE and RWHN. CAIN stands before them. The timer is on 22:28

Cain: Hello people. Nice of you to join us. Please take notice of the kindly supplied timers that are counting towards 23:00, the point of apocalyptic destruction. I'm sure Ms Kai and Mr Pterodactly Handler will be down to convey their pleasure of having an additional six people as an audience.

CUT TO PAYNE looking stunned. He looks down the line at the others, who are attentive. He turns to RWHN who looks similarly confused.

CUT TO a small blue light and strange but subtle device by the timer. Dramatic chord.

CUT TO PAYNE'S face. He has recognised the device.

Payne: Ohhh Goddess.


SCENE THIRTY FIVE

The other Discordians remain with their arms chained to the wall..

LMNO: OK, OK... I spy with my little eye, something beginning with... C.

Richter: Cock.

LMNO: No.

Dr James: Catastrophic suffering and misery.

Squid: Chains.

LMNO: Yeah. Alright, who's next.

Richter: I had chains already.

Suu: Cram!

Squid: We've already worked it out, Suu. It's chains.

Suu: No, look, it's Cram. And the others.

The Discordians are brought in and imprisoned.

Richter: So, um... I kind of hoped you'd be here to save us actually.

ECH: Yeah, that was the original plan. But then we were like, hey, why save the day when we could fuck up miserably and get imprisoned, powerless to stop the oncoming threat to humanity?

Squid: I take it you all know about the evil scheme?

Faust: Well writers go to great lengths to avoid repeating information in a film, so yeah.

Squid: Don't get meta with me buddy.

Payne: OK guys, listen. I know this sounds crazy...

LMNO: We're used to it.

Payne: ...but you have to trust me... whatever you do, don't plan anything.

Badge: Wait, what?

Payne: No escape plans. Just try to think of dumb shit, OK. See those little blue lights beside the countdown? They detect Seriousphram, which the government puts in our water supply, it finds its way into our brains. Those devices detect the brainwaves and they use it to monitor our thoughts. It's advanced alien technology stolen by the Nazis, now evidently perfected by our friends here. Last I heard they were modding it to try and create mass audio/visual hallucinations. If you have an idea, either execute it immediately, or you can't use it. They can't see me because of the aluminium oxide in my hair,  or Reverend What's-His-Name for reasons I can't tell you...

RWHN: I don't know what you're talking about.

Payne: But until that blue light goes out, no plans. We're working on impulse action only.

CAIN enters with a Martini and a cigar.

Cain: Hi guys.

Squid: Ooh, impulse found!

SQUID kicks the Martini and it splashes over CAIN'S face. She then uses her other leg to push the cigar into his face which lights on fire. One of the three MOOK guards runs to his aid with a fire extinguisher. SUU jumps up and uses her legs to break his neck. She pulls the key off his pants with her toes and kicks it to SQUID who pushes it into a keyhole labelled 'release all'. Two MOOKS pull guns, but RICHTER (wearing now, only boxer shorts) tears a section off each leg and flicking them, shooting poisoned needles that stop the guards. CAIN, still on fire, stands and runs. ECH runs to a cabinet and pulls out a large box labelled 'wƏpins'

ECH: Weapons!

Suu: My sword!

SUU is thrown her sword. She catches it. We follow SUU running through the lair, looking for CAIN.

Cain: Boo!

SUU turns. CAIN is behind her, seemingly none the worse of for having had his head set on fire. SUU swings three times with her sword, CAIN skillfully dodging each blow with mocking laughter. Suddenly SUU stabs forward, stabbing through CAIN'S heart. He gasps. She pulls the sword out and slices off his head. Instead of collapsing, it remains standing. A new head grows back.

Suu: Ohh, fuck this shit.

CUT TO PAYNE, RWHN and SQUID.

Payne: What the fuck happened there?

Squid: What do you mean what? That was improvising dude, like you said.

RWHN: Why did that dude have a fire extinguisher?

Squid: What? Were you asleep? I set that guy's head on fire!

RWHN: Guy?

Payne: It's the technology. They've developed it, they're using it to create visions. That man you saw wasn't real Squid. It was an illusion.

Squid: Wait, if he wasn't real, how could I set him on fire?

Payne: Because that's what (realising) he wanted you to see...

RWHN: Then our escape is part of the plan...

*A BEAT*

RWHN: Hey, where's Rodger?


SCENE THIRTY SIX

HOWL and FREEKY are sitting by the computer.

Freeky: Howl, I have to tell you something... there's a good part, and a bad part...

Howl: Go ahead.

57 MOOKS run into the room .

Mook: I ah... excuse me, sorry... I'm under instruction to kill the uh... 'Doktor Howl' and help to chop him into tiny pieces.

Freeky: Um, yeah. That's the bad part.

Howl:  Well I was hoping it wasn't the good part.

*BEAT*

The MOOK is approaching, dagger in hand.

Howl: You mentioned a good part?

Freeky: I prefer you to Cain.

The MOOK strikes but FREEKY grabs his arm, taking the weapon and stabbing him. As the MOOKS rush in for the attack she tosses the dagger to HOWL who enters the fray. We see about three minutes of a dramatic fight sequence with HOLD and FREEKY fighting the MOOKS.

[Freeky]

EEEEEEEEEE!