Author Topic: How was your day?  (Read 1836 times)

Nephew Twiddleton

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How was your day?
« on: September 01, 2010, 07:41:20 pm »
Cross link with the Jack of All forums thread. Bear in mind this is my first attempt at a rant, so I welcome constructive criticism.
I might also use this as a contribution to CDGASM

Hello, how are you? Glad you found me, because I've been looking around for you. Not that that has been particularly difficult. I'm not trying to trump up my seeking skills or anything. It's just, well, you generally follow a pattern. It's ok, we all fall into it. I've been pretty guilty of it myself. Probably why it took me so long to find you. I'm a bit of a procrastinator, and I figure that I would do it tomorrow. Then I figured that everyday is tomorrow to someday once.

Back to your pattern. It's natural to slog around to wherever you're going. Your morning commute, you get lost into your thoughts, not really taking stock of all the stuff that's going on around you. Funny how that works. The first time you take a route you don't pay attention to what's going on around you because you're trying to memorize the route. When you've memorized the route, you don't pay attention to what's going on around you because it has become routine.

Holy crap you're at work already, and you don't even really remember how you got there. Well now, you're at work and you really don't pay attention to what's going on around you because you're busy doing your job, just like you did yesterday. Ok, maybe you're surfing the net when the boss isn't looking, but that's not really paying attention. That's taking in little snippets of info, some of it likely junk, and you're not really going to remember it anyway, because you've already clicked on the next link. You take in the basic idea of what's going on in the world with a little side of apathy and just forget about it, like you never read it in the first place. You made a mistake on that email you're about to send the boss. You should probably fix it.

Nevermind that, it's time to go home. You're still not really paying attention to what's going on around you. You're busy thinking about what happened at work today when you weren't surfing the net. Wait were you surfing the net? You read something of vague interest, what was that? Nevermind, you're home now. You should start thinking about dinner. Hey! Dinner's ready, eat it before it gets cold. Pretty good, huh? Cilantro is a nice touch. Not that you're really paying attention to it anyway. You've gone through the motions of making yourself a really awesome dinner, and you're not even really appreciating your own work. And it's quite a remarkable recipe! You finished eating dinner, but you really don't even realize it. The food was gone and you don't feel hungry.

Time for TV. Yeah, this show's pretty funny, as is the next one. News is on. Some bad stuff happened somewhere not here. That's terrible. You don't really know where they're talking about are you? It's a couple of towns over actually. There's interesting stuff going on nearby. You've already forgotten about it. Time for bed, you have to get up early for work tomorrow. Something's nagging you though and you're having some trouble sleeping. You don't really know what happened today. It just kinda happened. You don't really know how it was. You're still alive, but that's all. It dawns on you that I [switch to first person from here] haven't paid attention or noticed anything today. That's as good a start as any. Problem is that tomorrow morning I run the risk of mulling over that fact so much that I'm still not going to see all the interesting stuff that's going on around me. Maybe the day after will work out better. Did I mention I was a procrastinator?

Or kill me.
« Last Edit: September 01, 2010, 08:04:11 pm by Doktor Blight »
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Cramulus

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Re: How was your day?
« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2010, 07:48:38 pm »
not bad!

1. could use some paragraph breaks

2. I wonder if it would be better in the first person, sort of stream-of-consciousness/internal monologue style?

3. It gets a little bit long in the middle.

4. If I could take a crack at a one sentence summary: Our life is filled with boring rituals which distract us from what we are actually seeking. Did I hit it?

Nephew Twiddleton

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Re: How was your day?
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2010, 07:55:10 pm »
not bad!

1. could use some paragraph breaks

2. I wonder if it would be better in the first person, sort of stream-of-consciousness/internal monologue style?

3. It gets a little bit long in the middle.

4. If I could take a crack at a one sentence summary: Our life is filled with boring rituals which distract us from what we are actually seeking. Did I hit it?

Yeah, I'll throw in some paragraph breaks.

I was thinking of staring off in the second person and then switching to first, like this has been a nagging thought for some time, and it's just starting to realize the thought is there.

I stretched out the middle to add to the sense of tedium, but will see if I can pare that down.

Your summary is accurate. There's a little more of, hey, something cool is happening on the street that your bus is passing and you missed it sort of idea, but even still, the idea that the routine is enough of a routine to basically keep you from doing something interesting is probably more universal.
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Re: How was your day?
« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2010, 07:57:28 pm »
I think it might benefit from a little more attention to what it is that we're being distracted from

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Re: How was your day?
« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2010, 08:05:33 pm »
Resonated with me. Go to school, come home, wander internet, do homework (maybe). Wash, rinse, and repeat. I need to stop that. And I'd keep the lack of paragraph breaks, because it gives it a sense of wandering, distracted repetition.
“Call me sentimental, but there’s no-one in the world that I’d like to see get dysentery more than you.” — David Nicholls (One Day)

Nephew Twiddleton

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Re: How was your day?
« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2010, 08:05:55 pm »
I think it might benefit from a little more attention to what it is that we're being distracted from

Hmm.. ok. I made some edits already. I'll think this over a little more.
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Nephew Twiddleton

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Re: How was your day?
« Reply #6 on: September 01, 2010, 08:07:37 pm »
Resonated with me. Go to school, come home, wander internet, do homework (maybe). Wash, rinse, and repeat. I need to stop that. And I'd keep the lack of paragraph breaks, because it gives it a sense of wandering, distracted repetition.

I'll leave the paragraph breaks in for the moment, for ease of reading and editing, but might take them out for the final version.
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Re: How was your day?
« Reply #7 on: September 01, 2010, 08:20:27 pm »
Good job, I agree there needs to be more white space, easier to read that way.

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Re: How was your day?
« Reply #8 on: September 02, 2010, 02:32:16 pm »
:mittens:

I think for a first rant it was very well done!  Of course it appears you've made changes from the original post to what I just read, but hey, it's all a work in progress right?

Good job!  Do more!!!

Nephew Twiddleton

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Re: How was your day?
« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2010, 04:00:27 am »
Edits in bold, more feedback please-

Hello, how are you? Glad you found me, because I've been looking around for you. Not that that has been particularly difficult. I'm not trying to trump up my seeking skills or anything. It's just, well, you generally follow a pattern. It's ok, we all fall into it. I've been pretty guilty of it myself. Probably why it took me so long to find you. I'm a bit of a procrastinator, and I figure that I would do it tomorrow. Then I figured that everyday is tomorrow to someday once.

Back to your pattern. It's natural to slog around to wherever you're going. Your morning commute, you get lost into your thoughts, not really taking stock of all the stuff that's going on around you. Funny how that works. The first time you take a route you don't pay attention to what's going on around you because you're trying to memorize the route. When you've memorized the route, you don't pay attention to what's going on around you because it has become routine. Whenever you go somewhere, it's only about getting to your destination. Your mind wanders aimlessly, squandering time that could be used for other things.

Holy crap you're at work already, and you don't even really remember how you got there. Well now, you're at work and you really don't pay attention to what's going on around you because you're busy doing your job, just like you did yesterday. Ok, maybe you're surfing the net when the boss isn't looking, but that's not really paying attention. That's taking in little snippets of info, some of it likely junk, and you're not really going to remember it anyway, because you've already clicked on the next link. It's an easy thing to fall into. Work sucks, and you only took this job so that you have money to spend on fun things and activities, right? But how often do you actually do that?

Nevermind that, it's time to go home. You're still not really paying attention to what's going on around you. You're busy thinking about what happened at work today when you weren't surfing the net. Nevermind, you're home now. You should start thinking about dinner. Hey! Dinner's ready, eat it before it gets cold. Pretty good, huh? Cilantro is a nice touch. Not that you're really paying attention to it anyway. You've gone through the motions of making yourself a really awesome dinner, and you're not even really appreciating your own work. You finished eating dinner, but you really don't even realize it. You never even really tasted it.

Time for TV. Yeah, this show's pretty funny, as is the next one. News is on. Some bad stuff happened somewhere not here. You don't really know where they're talking about are you? It's a couple of towns over actually. You've already forgotten about it. No time for any anything else, time for bed, you have to get up early for work tomorrow, to do that thing you don't really enjoy so that you can do things that you do enjoy, but don't really do. Something's nagging you though and you're having some trouble sleeping. You don't really know what happened today. It just kinda happened. You don't really know how it was. You're still alive, but that's all. It dawns on you that I [switch to first person from here] haven't paid attention or noticed anything today. I haven't really done anything enjoyable today either. Knowing this is as good a start as any. Problem is that tomorrow morning I run the risk of mulling over that fact so much that I'm still not going to see all the interesting stuff that's going on around me, or do any of those fun things. Maybe the day after will work out better. Did I mention I was a procrastinator?

Or kill me.
[/quote]
Steely-Eyed Replicant Frottage Master of Yesterday's Lost Glory
Sentence or sentence fragment pending[/size]

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS