Autopsy

[The Great Pope of OUTSIDE]

So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way, and it is absolutely my love. That being said, I'm always up for critique and comments, anything to help my writing get better anyway. And I notice a lot of people on here are writers as well. Or writer-wanna-bes. Or somewhere in between. And you all love flaming. XD So, here's my latest poem, have at it!

Take your scalpel to my heart.
Peel away the fictitious layers,
Until you find out the truth
Of how the universe destroyed me.



This is a story.
I was swallowed by a lion as a young child
He told me that freedom wasn't everything
That pain and love are important too.
I felt the earth beneath his paws
And saw the stars through his eyes.
And I loved the earth.

With a flip of your scalpel you pull that layer away
Placing it gently in the tray for future analysis.



This is a story.
I carried the forest gently in my hand
Over an age of destruction
Where all the world was desert and smoke.
So when the dust settled down and
The fire ants were gone, I allowed
A single, precious seed to drop to the earth
And the forest began anew.

You cut deeper still
Determined to find the truth in the shadows behind my heart



This is a story.
I created a universe from spools of thread
Stringing a mobile of stars
I hung it from the fingers of a god.
I kissed his lips in my dream, and fled
To a barren world of safety.

You pierce through one more layer
Shaking your head at the audacity
Of the stories I tell.



This is a story.
I destroyed the stars
Pulled one into the other until I created
A domino chain of supernovas.
I created the brightest dawn in the universe
But the night thereafter was without hope
And the universe existed in terror of itself.

Take that layer away and my heart
Is growing thinner. Corners and shadows
Disappear underneath your doctor-light.
And stories can't cover the truth anymore.



This is a truth
When my heart was gone, and there was nothing left
In the universe but fables of existence,
What was in the shadows the entire time
Was a black hole where the devil lived
And swallowed you inside, and no one
Could hear your demon screams, gnashing teeth.
Space was only a silent echo to my last
Death cry. And there I imploded
Crushing myself into the emptiness.
And the universe began anew
Without me.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Have you read any books on writing poetry? Have you participated in any poetry groups? You need those.

I don't really feel like picking apart your poem because it's a lot of work to do a good job of it and my tendonitis is flaring up, but two things really stand out; heavy overuse of cliched terms, and too much telling. You have a couple of stanzas with good imagery but most of them are telly and should be axed. The first four lines are ghastly and need to die; I almost didn't read further, which would have been too bad because the rest isn't nearly as terrible.

In short, tighten it up, cut out all the telling and see if your poem holds together.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Here, something like this:


This is a story.
I carried the forest gently in my hand
Over an age of destruction
Where all the world was desert and smoke.
So when the dust settled down and
The fire ants were gone, I allowed
A single, precious seed to drop to the earth
And the forest began anew.


This is a story.
I created a universe from spools of thread
Stringing a mobile of stars
I hung it from the fingers of a god.
I kissed his lips in my dream, and fled
To a barren world of safety.


This is a story.
I destroyed the stars
Pulled one into the other until I created
A domino chain of supernovas.
I created the brightest dawn in the universe
But the night thereafter was without hope
And the universe existed in terror of itself.

[The Great Pope of OUTSIDE]

I can definitely see what you mean by cutting out the first four lines and the in-between lines and I'll definitely do that when I edit. What I would like to know though is where are there cliches? And also, why would you cut out the first and last stanza? There is a lot of meaning in both of those stanzas, but apparently that's not very clear, so how do I make it clearer/better presented so I don't have to cut them out?

[Epimetheus]

So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way

We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?

[Doktor Howl]

So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way, and it is absolutely my love.

Yeah, but it's a whore and will leave you to starve in the gutter.

[The Great Pope of OUTSIDE]

So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way

We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?

Yeah, journalism. ATM I'm still a student, but I know it's a hard career to get into and even harder to stay in and actually make a living off of. I'm not an idiot and I know I won't be writing brilliant best-selling novels right out of college. But I have some different plans to get into the career at least, and I know absolutely that that is where I want to be, so I won't quit until I am legitimately a writer.

[Doktor Howl]

So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way

We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?

Yeah, journalism.

Get used to Ramen.

[Don Coyote]

So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way

We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?

Yeah, journalism.

Get used to Ramen.

I was raised on ramen and spam.

[Doktor Howl]

So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way

We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?

Yeah, journalism.

Get used to Ramen.

I was raised on ramen and spam.

Then you may have a promising career as a journalism major¹.




¹  Notice that I didn't say "journalist".

[Don Coyote]

So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way

We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?

Yeah, journalism.

Get used to Ramen.

I was raised on ramen and spam.

Then you may have a promising career as a journalism major¹.




¹  Notice that I didn't say "journalist".

LOL

Fuck liberal arts. I like eating real food. Although I think I shall force my children to grow up on ramen and spam to build character.

[Doktor Howl]

So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way

We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?

Yeah, journalism.

Get used to Ramen.

I was raised on ramen and spam.

Then you may have a promising career as a journalism major¹.




¹  Notice that I didn't say "journalist".

LOL

Fuck liberal arts. I like eating real food. Although I think I shall force my children to grow up on ramen and spam to build character.

Weak bones make strong character, I always say.

[Nast]

So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way

We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?

Yeah, journalism.

Get used to Ramen.

I was raised on ramen and spam.

Then you may have a promising career as a journalism major¹.




¹  Notice that I didn't say "journalist".

LOL

Fuck liberal arts. I like eating real food. Although I think I shall force my children to grow up on ramen and spam to build character.

Weak bones make strong character, I always say.

My God that's the most frightening thing I've heard all day.

[Doktor Howl]

So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way

We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?

Yeah, journalism.

Get used to Ramen.

I was raised on ramen and spam.

Then you may have a promising career as a journalism major¹.




¹  Notice that I didn't say "journalist".

LOL

Fuck liberal arts. I like eating real food. Although I think I shall force my children to grow up on ramen and spam to build character.

Weak bones make strong character, I always say.

My God that's the most frightening thing I've heard all day.

Stayed in, did you?

[Nast]

My God that's the most frightening thing I've heard all day.

Stayed in, did you?

Or rather, I haven't been on PD until now today.

Things seem a little...tense.