Okay, So You Found Us, and We're Not What You Expected.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

That belongs...on the front page.  Seriously.  Someone do that.

[Cramulus]

I am disgusted to learn that I believe the right things

SOMETHING MUST CHANGE

[BadBeast]

I am disgusted to learn that I believe the right things

SOMETHING MUST CHANGE

The sources you learned this from, are wrong, and should not be trusted.  To take their word for anything, would be to believe the wrong things. So all is as it should be, meltdown averted.  *phew* That was close.

[Triple Zero]

That belongs...on the front page.  Seriously.  Someone do that.

Hm, I really like it better with the green gritty hallway background included.

(and if you must cut it out, don't replace it with white mist?)

[Sir Fronkensteen, The Hawk]

I agree. Dank fungus infested hallways are what PD.com is all about.

[Sir Squid Diddimus]

I came in here to see this again and shit my pance.
SHIT! MY! PANCE!


Be proud.

[Troll Monster]

As per the new admin guidelines, I will leave this here for further contemplation and safekeeping.


   As some of you may know, this wonderful Simple Machines Forum has been experiencing a phenomenon of cataclysmic proportions, which Western Medicine has defined as extreme "Pop-Tart Paranoia." If you are a new member here, you are going to get accused of being Pop-Tart. In many cases you will be banned for being Pop-Tart, even though you're just a regular noob. In the case of "choptop" and "Dranes43," they came in talking in classic Pop-Tart form, (short, very short) and proceeded to be banned as Pop-Tart based on the structuring of their posts. Whether this was intentional or not, we will never know. But we do know that they were not Pop-Tart. Recently, a new member named "Krez" joined our forum, proved his identity with random facts about Tucson, and was still accused of being Pop-Tart. Krez is not Pop-Tart. Pop-Tart would not send creepy PMs. Pop-Tart himself will get accused of being Pop-Tart, knowing there is no way the Mad Scientist and the other Mods can know for sure it's really him, and yet he gets banned anyway. Pop-Tart was banned by Cain for posting in the hipster thread because Cain hates hipsters and had a hunch Aries Gurl could be Pop-Tart. Then Cain unbanned Pop-Tart 5 minutes later because he didn't have any solid proof, he just hates hipsters. But let's not get into the dirty, yet somewhat warranted, moderation that has been going on lately.

     In a recent interview with Anon from 4chan, First City Hustle was quoted as saying, "Our site has been consumed by Pop-Tart Paranoia. The Mad Scientist is overrun with it. Just yesterday he told me he now suspects Mistress Freeky as being a Pop-Tart alt. I don't know what to think or who to believe anymore, but SRSLY, this Pop-Tart person has no life. I'm sure that he has read at least 90% of the content within the site by now. I'm willing to bet he has spent many sleepless nights studying all of the infamous trolls. We have come to a point where not even our precious Bunker is safe from his gaze. I assume he has saved every image he could get his grubby little hands on, and right now, somewhere out there in the internets, there are visions of merciless WOMPs dancing in his head. I've heard rumors that he might actually be a revered member of our community. Other people are saying that at any moment, he might be posting from 3 or more accounts simultaneously. The word on the street is that even though he is ASCII-challenged, he now has the ability to create his own private proxy servers, giving him IP addresses that can't be detected as a suspected proxy server or network sharing device. This would allow him to choose specific locations for each address, making it virtually impossible to put a finger on him. Hearing this news was a devastating blow to our psyche. We now realize that the butthurt troll will never give up, and his drive and technical knowledge are growing at an exponential rate. We must find a way to rectumfy our Pop-Tart problem. I know the easiest and most efficient solution would be to just unban the poor bastard. But if some unforeseen event happens, Daruko could use that against me. Must. Defeat. Daruko. I would like to take this opportunity to inform the beloved members of our site that I have elevated our Security Advisory System to AMBER, known by many as ERNIE."




THE EASIEST AND MOST ENJOYABLE WAY TO END POP-TART PARANOIA IS BY COMPLYING WITH MY DEMANDS:


1. Pop-Tart's original IP address from Pengilly, Minnesota must be unbanned.

2. I shall receive a "Dutch Rutter" from Ne+@uNGr0+ in a heterosexual, non-gay fashion. This must be done with the aid of Herbal Essence shampoo or Johnson's Baby Lotion.

3. Faust must change his avatar back to that cute blue thingy. I discovered its name might be Bloo after some tedious googling. Go figure.

4. Daruko's original IP address must be unbanned. From this point forward he shall be referred to as "King Daruko" only.

5. Dr. James Semaj must take a picture of himself draped in the Canadian flag and post it in the spagbook thread.

6. Nigel must complete a Quest for ME.

7. The Dancing Pickle must publicly admit that the "pickle" in his profile picture is actually a "cactuar."

8. An honest, accurate definition for HIMEBOBS. I finally figured out Wrath Of Microsoft Paint so it's on to the next one.

9. One of the lady members must give me a rimjob WHILE I eat potato chips.

10. A thread titled "Pop-Tart is the Greatest Troll Evar!" must be erected within Apple Talk in my honor. "Greatest" may be substituted with "Most Annoying" or "Most Persistent." This will be bumped every-hour-on-the-our OR every-so-often with "Frosted Cookies 'N Cream FTW!"

11. I can smoke e-cigarettes wherever and whenever I want, even on the e-plane.

12. Doktor Howl must change his username to Doktor Feelgood for 1 week.

13. Cain must take a picture of himself wearing tight jeans, an argyle sweater that is 3 sizes too small, thick rimmed non-prescription glasses,  and an old pair of Converse. He must do this while listening to some band you've never heard of and post the picture in spagbook.


COMPLETION OF ANY COMBINATION OF THREE (3) OF MY DEMANDS, WHICH MUST INCLUDE DEMAND #1, WILL ACTIVATE THE SEQUENCE AND YOUR LIVES WILL BE SAVED. POP-TART WILL TAKE A PERMANENT BREAK FROM OPERATION MINDFUCK AND SHALL BE BURNED IN THE FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM AND NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN.

Completion Bonus: You will all receive sexual favors from Aries Gurl on a first cum first serve basis, who can be found somewhere around page 5 in a yahoo image search for "Aries Girl."

Failure to meet my demands will result in excessive trolling and prolonged Pop-Tart Paranoia. If you have any concern for the health of the Mad Scientist, I would suggest complying immediately. There will be trolls you may or may not have seen the likes of before; Bieber Fans, Bible Bangers, EMOs, Juggalos, Hipsters, Glenn Beck Supporters, etc etc.

Just to show you I mean business, I have sacrificed Professor Cramulus' first born.




And learned to do this.

YOU SHOULD
               Meet my demands. I demand it.

IF YOU DON'T
               I will copy E.O.T's writing syle.

I DON'T THINK
              You will be pleased.


MY DEMANDS MUST BE MET BY SEPTEMBER 23rd, 2008.

Pop-Tart.

[BadBeast]

Now this sounds like a far moar intertaning Troll.
Although I can't quite see demand 12 being granted, Dok Nice put in an appearance last night. It was horrible. And contagious.

[AFK]

Jeebus.  I don't get in WOMPs anymore and I don't even get in pointless internet forum troll threats.

Where is the fucking love, man? 

[Adios]

Todays trolls are fucking lame. Image bombing? Seriously?

Well, I guess it can be a substitute for talent and intelligence, but it certainly isn't entertaining at all. It isn't even funny.

Just plain fucking lame.

[Don Coyote]

LOL@ RWHN's new name. That is exactly what flew through my head when CB called you mister Punmeister.

[AFK]

I've taken up the mantle. 

Cept, I'm not sure how to get it back on.  My wife will be very displeased. 

[Adios]

I like it!

[Adios]

I've taken up the mantle. 

Cept, I'm not sure how to get it back on.  My wife will be very displeased. 

Try hanging it on the wall and backing up to while wiggling your ass.

[BadBeast]

Todays trolls are fucking lame. Image bombing? Seriously?

Well, I guess it can be a substitute for talent and intelligence, but it certainly isn't entertaining at all. It isn't even funny.

Just plain fucking lame.

Well it's slightly more entertaining than just posting "Poptart was here" all over the forum. But I agree, it's still a bit lame. I suppose it's because we've been starved of real Trolling talent here for a while now. Largely because we're so fucking awesome.