A Short History, part 5 of 5

[Doktor Howl]

Old King Cram was a merry old spag And a merry old spag was he;
He called for his jenkem, and he called for his bowl
And he called for his fappers three.
Every fapper he had a schlong,
And a very fine schlong had he;
Oh there's none so rare, as can compare
With King Cram and his fappers three.

"Those were the good old days", thought King Cram, "Before everything got so...complicated."

King Cramulous I trudged down the hall of his palace, surrounded by a coterie of advisors, sycophants, and hangers-on.  Each and every one of them had a pile of forms to be signed...Death warrants here, pardons there, a million of so edicts that would benefit one special interest group or another, at the expense of the kingdom itself.

These edicts, of course, weren't written in simple terms.  They were titled "A Proclamation to Stop the Stomping-On of Kittens", for example, and one (1) line was dedicated to that noble end, in a 500 page document.  The rest was a gigantic siphon to drain the treasury for the benefit of the coal mine owners.  Yet another, the "Edict Frowning on Toddler Punting" was largely a series of giveaways to the masonry business.

And that was just one series of headaches.  His council had grown from he and his 3 fappers to more than two score jabbering nitwits, and council meetings were now something he dreaded.  

That was, in fact, where he was headed, and he wasn't happy about it in the slightest.

At length, King Cram walked into his council chamber, and was duly announced, to a low chorus of snickers and muttered, nasty comments.

"So, what business have we today?", asked King Cram, with a sigh.

Immediately, everyone started bickering and screaming.  There was the Earl of Distraction, yipping about better programming on the TV, and there was The Duke of Obligation hollering about what the King had to do before he would finally be allowed to sleep tonight.  The Count and Countess of Cram's Extended Family both began listing everywhere he had to be this month, and don't forget to buy a gift for your 2d cousin 3 times removed new baby.  Even Prince Career chimed in, reminding King Cram that it was in fact a work night.

King Cram sunk ever-lower in his council throne, while his privy council screamed across the table at each other about obligations and deadlines and priorities.

"I wonder", he thought, "if King Lear ever had days like this?"

The King began to be annoyed.  

Now, it generally isn't a good thing to annoy a king, and the kind of people that are dumb enough to do so are also dumb enough to not know when to quit.  So when the Marquis of Appropriate Dress for the Occasion chimed in concerning the King's tee shirt, King Cramulous lost his temper.

"GUARDS!", he shouted, "TO ME!"

Sergeants Fun & Friviolity bounded to his side, with a hearty "YES, MY LORD!"

"These 'people' are offensive to our person.", King Cram said, "Make them all have a series of unfortunate accidents with those sharp pointy things you are carrying."

There followed a lot of running around and screaming, accompanied by meaty-sounding 'whack' noises.  Eventually all was quiet again.

Cram looked at the council room.  Oh, this would take some cleaning up, to be sure, but that is the business of the Steward, after all...And it was quiet, blessedly quiet, for the first time that King Cram could remember.

"Nice work, Fun & Friviolity", he remarked, "Now let's go cow-tipping."

And so the King regained his life, the kingdom regained its King, and the world didn't end when the Council of Worry, Regret, and Anxiety came to its abrupt and rather final end.  It is rather a pity that so few kings are as wise and decisive as Old King Cram, because the world - and we ourselves - would be happier if more kings realized that not every concern is worthy of a king's attention.

And everyone lived happily ever after (except the cows).

Okay for Now,
Dok

[Freeky]

This one is by far my favorite, because it is a very happy ending.

[Doktor Howl]

This one is by far my favorite, because it is a very happy ending.

Except for the cows.

[Freeky]

This one is by far my favorite, because it is a very happy ending.

Except for the cows.

Let's face it, do the cows actually get bothered by being tipped? Not really.




They usually don't get tipped enough, and wish they had a better job.

[Doktor Howl]

This one is by far my favorite, because it is a very happy ending.

Except for the cows.

Let's face it, do the cows actually get bothered by being tipped? Not really.




They usually don't get tipped enough, and wish they had a better job.

[Freeky]

This one is by far my favorite, because it is a very happy ending.

Except for the cows.

Let's face it, do the cows actually get bothered by being tipped? Not really.




They usually don't get tipped enough, and wish they had a better job.

What do you have against tipping cows, Dok? Are you in fact racist against cows?

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

  It is rather a pity that so few kings are as wise and decisive as Old King Cram, because the world - and we ourselves - would be happier if more kings realized that not every concern is worthy of a king's attention.

for the entire OP!

That one line though.  Pure gold and it is a shame it's not required to be memorized and practiced by every politician whether royal or not!!!!

[Doktor Howl]

  It is rather a pity that so few kings are as wise and decisive as Old King Cram, because the world - and we ourselves - would be happier if more kings realized that not every concern is worthy of a king's attention.

for the entire OP!

That one line though.  Pure gold and it is a shame it's not required to be memorized and practiced by every politician whether royal or not!!!!

Well, them, too.  But I was referring to everyone, as everyone is - or should be - the king/queen of their own life and destiny.

We all have our Councils or Worry, Regret, and Anxiety...But we also have our own Sergeants to fucking the council royally, if you'll pardon the expression.

[Don Coyote]

I like.

[Juana]

I very much like this one. You make a good point, and I applaud King Cramulus's choice of dealing with the Council. And then subsequent decision to go cow tipping.

[Richter]

If only all kings were so wise, or had such loyal retainers, capable of insane violence or fun at the drop of a hat!

 

[Doktor Howl]

If only all kings were so wise, or had such loyal retainers, capable of insane violence or fun at the drop of a hat!

 

The Red Queen got a bad rap.

[Jasper]

Apparently I missed this series, so based on this one I went back and read them all!

This, to me, is literature at it's finest.

[Doktor Howl]

Apparently I missed this series, so based on this one I went back and read them all!

This, to me, is literature at it's finest.

Thank you, Siggy...You DID read "A Brief Explanation, parts 1-5, right?  If not, when you have time...But remember to read them in order.

[Cramulus]

  x 

Thank you for that Roger, it was a thrilling tale! I laughed, I cried, I had a bunch of yammering council members hammered and stabbed. It's a good moral too - don't let the little shit get you down. Especially the bureaucratic nonsense which is SUPPOSED to be making everything cool but instead is NOT.

That's why my brief hiatus from PD was so well timed - I had to get off the digital, back into the physical plane. It speaks to one of the hidden lesson I learned from trolling -- you can only be pissed off by things you're invested in. The more you put yourself into a website, a project, a team of people, the more of the mental landscape they'll occupy, the more control you surrender to external forces. I clearly was too invested and needed to take a step back and crack the thing with a barstool.

It's weird though, you can't just be 100% in or 100% out. I recall trolling over at A K K's forum.. while they existed, they were pretty focused on trolling. And doing so helped them develop an untrollable attitude ..  "Nothing matters, none of this is real anyway, I don't give a shit what you do." But the end consequences of that is that they're a bunch of jaded cynical haters who don't care about anything. Nobody at that site ever got excited about anything because to care about something is to create a target that others will prey on.  And I don't want that. And I also don't want the pagan forum stereotype where everybody's so into maintaining the right kind of community vibe that they're welcoming of racist ass-goblins like snakeman.

So it's a good lesson - care about shit that's fun, fuck the shit that isn't fun.

Champagne for my real friends - real pain for my sham friends.