OK, fuckers, this recipe will get you laid

[East Coast Hustle]

Pasta Arrabiata alla Crema with Italian Sausage

this recipe serves 8; amounts can be adjusted down for fewer servings, but after you taste it you will hate yourself for not having made the full amount

you will need:
6-7 links of good italian sausage
4 pounds of heirloom tomatoes
6 oz of pancetta
1 medium yellow onion
4 large cloves of garlic
2 tbsp of red pepper flakes
some Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1 pint of heavy cream
2 lbs of spaghetti noodles
8 sprigs of fresh basil
1/2 pint of Ricotta Cheese


Cook 6-7 links of good italian sausage in boiling water (do not brown them). Set aside to cool.

Concasse about 4 pounds of good heirloom tomatoes (that means blanch them, peel off the skin and remove the seeds, and dice the remaining tomato flesh). If you can't be bothered to do a proper concasse, you can cheat and use 4 15oz cans of diced tomatoes but then you can't call it "Arrabiata". Arrabiata sauce requires fresh tomatoes.

Heat a stainless steel pan (or heavy aluminum, if you're ghetto) over medium heat. Do not use a nonstick pan.

Mince 4 large cloves of garlic and one medium yellow onion and dice 6 oz of pancetta. If you can't get pancetta, don't use bacon as a substitute, use some diced hard salami instead.

Actually, fuck you. Go get some fucking pancetta. Or go to McDonalds if you can't be arsed to do this right.

Once the pan is hot, add a squirt of XVOO and the pancetta. Once that begins to render, add the onions and garlic. Add the onions first, then add the garlic when the onions just start turning translucent.

Slice the sausage links on the bias and add the sausage to the pan along with 2 tbsp of red pepper flakes. You don't want to brown the onions, so just when they barely begin to caramelize, add the tomatoes and 1 cup of water.

Once the sauce begins to simmer, turn the heat to low and let it simmer for 20-30 minutes. The sauce shouldn't get thick at this point (it will thicken later so just trust me on this for now) so if it does, add some more water until it's sort of thin but not watery. During this time, bring a large stockpot full of heavily salted water to a boil, and put another stainless steel pan on the stove over medium heat. We're going to add cream to our sauce eventually, but we have to temper it first. If you add cold cream to hot sauce, the cream will curdle and you'll look like an asshole for serving some ugly curdled shit and you will NOT get laid. So, once this new pan is hot, add 1 pint of heavy cream to it. Heavy means 40% milkfat, or at least no lower than 37%. Nothing else will work. Do not be a fucking ass polyp and try to use half & half or soymilk or some shit. Are you trying to be healthy or are you trying to make food that will get your penis touched by strangers?

Once the cream starts to simmer, add a few ladles of the liquid from the sauce to it and whisk it in. bring to a boil and allow to boil rapidly for about 3 minutes, then add the cream mixture back into the rest of the sauce and stir rapidly until smoothly blended. Clean the pan that had the cream in it; we're going to need it again shortly.

Now the water in the stockpot should be at a rapid boil, so throw 2 lbs of spaghetti noodles in that motherfucker and cook them until they are al dente and not a fucking second longer. Shock the pasta to stop it from overcooking.

Put the now-clean pan that we used to temper and reduce the cream back on the burner over medium-high heat. We're going to use this pan for the final heating and tossing.

Time out: OK, listen up fuckers. If you just thought you could put some pasta in a bowl and pour the sauce over the top of it, GTFO right now and go back to the fucking Olive Garden. Properly prepared pasta must be tossed IN the sauce so that it actually absorbs some of the sauce and allows the remaining sauce to STICK to the pasta rather than slide off of it and form an ugly congealed puddle in the bottom of the dish. And FYI, this is the REAL reason for NEVER putting oil in the pasta water. That oil will get on the pasta and keep the sauce from sticking to it. Don't fucking argue with me about this, I'm right and you will be wrong. That's why I get paid stupid money to do this for a living and you buy cans of Ragu. Now back to our recipe.

OK, once the pan is hot, add 3 ladles of sauce to the pan (I used a 6 oz ladle, adjust accordingly if yours is smaller or larger) and use a pair of tongs to add a large pinch of the cooked noodles, allowing the water to drain out of them for a couple seconds first. Shake the pan vigorously over the flame. If you pay close attention, you should be able to SEE the moment when the sauce stops sliding around over the pasta and starts being absorbed by it. Give it a few more seconds then transfer to a deep-sided dinner plate or a pasta bowl. Repeat until you have as many servings as you need, then sprinkle each plate with a chiffonade (that means very thinly-sliced ribbons) of fresh basil.

To accomplish this in the correct manner: take the sprigs of basil and pinch off the inner flower/crown of smaller leaves. reserve these for garnish. Of the remaining leaves, take the largest leaf and cup it as though it were a cigarette or joint paper, then put the other leaves in side of it and roll it as though it were a joint. You can leave out the part where you lick it. Now put your basil roll on the cutting board and with your sharpest knife (ceramic blades work great for this if you have one) slice it across the roll as thinly as possible. you want to slice gently rather than push down with the knife as that will cause the basil to bruise and blacken more quickly.

For final garnish, we're going to need the ricotta cheese. Any asshole can scoop a ball of ricotta, so we're going to be better than that and make quennelles (essentially a wedge shaped like an orange slice) by first scooping out a ball (use a tablespoon and get a good heap) then using the back of a second spoon to smoosh it into the correct shape by sort of dragging it down across the scoop of ricotta so that on one side of the scoop it retains its full height and curvature and the side where you ended your stroke with the 2nd spoon is flush with the edge of the spoon. Pop your quennelle of ricotta out onto the top of the pile of pasta and sauce, and plant one of the reserved basil tops into it like a flag.

When you are done, it should look something like this:



except it won't look exactly like that because I decided to take a pic after everyone had already eaten so there were no more basil tops left (I just used a leaf) and I didn't feel like fully prepping a plate that wasn't going to be eaten so I broke my own rule and just poured the sauce over a pile of pasta. So yours should look even better than that because the noodles will have absorbed some of the sauce and your quennelle of ricotta will have a beautiful basil top sticking out of it rather than a limp leaf which had been wilting on a warm countertop while everyone was eating.

If anyone actually decides to take this on, I'd love to hear how it went for you and how it tasted. And don't forget to take a picture!

[Suu]

I don't think I can handle ECH cookery of this magnitude!!

[Precious Moments Zalgo]

It sounds awesome.  I wish all recipes were written this way.  Also, I learned something regarding the pouring sauce over noodles.  That's what I've always done because I didn't know any better.  Thanks.

I can't get decent tomatoes around here this time of year, so if I make it any time soon I'll have to use the diced tomatoes.

[Suu]

I just paraphrased the process to my brother on the phone and he went, "Ah duh, Suu...And if I ever catch you putting oil in my fucking pasta water I will kill you, amateur."

He also asked if you preferred a sweet sausage to a spicy one, in the event that say us "amateurs" go to a grocery store and see "sweet" and "spicy" Italian sausage, rather than a specialty store.

...And now I have to go to Venda this weekend and get the fucker real sausage. 

[East Coast Hustle]

I just paraphrased the process to my brother on the phone and he went, "Ah duh, Suu...And if I ever catch you putting oil in my fucking pasta water I will kill you, amateur."

He also asked if you preferred a sweet sausage to a spicy one, in the event that say us "amateurs" go to a grocery store and see "sweet" and "spicy" Italian sausage, rather than a specialty store.

...And now I have to go to Venda this weekend and get the fucker real sausage. 

I prefer a spicier sausage, but since the Arrabiata sauce is spicy in its own right because of the red pepper flakes, I tend to go with milder sausage when making it for a crowd whose palate I'm unsure of.

[Jasper]

Book MARKED. 

I'd love to cook like that on a regular basis.

You know, for myself. 

[Don Coyote]

Book MARKED. 

I'd love to cook like that on a regular basis.

You know, for myself. 

And that is the real reason you don't use oil on your pasta. You save it.

[Suu]

I just paraphrased the process to my brother on the phone and he went, "Ah duh, Suu...And if I ever catch you putting oil in my fucking pasta water I will kill you, amateur."

He also asked if you preferred a sweet sausage to a spicy one, in the event that say us "amateurs" go to a grocery store and see "sweet" and "spicy" Italian sausage, rather than a specialty store.

...And now I have to go to Venda this weekend and get the fucker real sausage. 

I prefer a spicier sausage, but since the Arrabiata sauce is spicy in its own right because of the red pepper flakes, I tend to go with milder sausage when making it for a crowd whose palate I'm unsure of.

All you chefs are the same. Though he doesn't like to really share recipes unless he can show me how to do it. It's just how he teaches...Unfortunately now that he's working again, it will be like pulling teeth to get him to cook at home unless it's Pizza Rolls or something.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

This looks delicious!

[Jasper]

Book MARKED. 

I'd love to cook like that on a regular basis.

You know, for myself. 

And that is the real reason you don't use oil on your pasta. You save it.

Oh.  Okay.  I thought the reason was that it makes the pasta shitty.

[East Coast Hustle]

That is the actual reason.

[Rumckle]

That sounds/looks great ECH, I'll ahve to try it when I get a chance. However, is prosciutto an acceptable substitute for pancetta? Because my fridge is much more likely to contain prosciutto

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I wonder if Whole Foods has pancetta? It's near my house. I know I can get it down on Miss but I don't like to go there.

[East Coast Hustle]

That sounds/looks great ECH, I'll ahve to try it when I get a chance. However, is prosciutto an acceptable substitute for pancetta? Because my fridge is much more likely to contain prosciutto

Actually, fuck you. Go get some fucking pancetta. Or go to McDonalds if you can't be arsed to do this right.

[East Coast Hustle]

I wonder if Whole Foods has pancetta? It's near my house. I know I can get it down on Miss but I don't like to go there.

The one on Division does (as does any other Whole Foods I've been in) so I would assume that the one near you has it as well. They usually even have the real stuff, not that pre-diced crap that comes in a plastic package.