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Predictions for 2011

Started by AFK, December 30, 2010, 01:30:21 PM

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AFK

December 30, 2010, 01:30:21 PM
It's like the McLaughlin Group, but with more swearing.

Make a prediction about anything and everything.  It doesn't have to be funny or true, but if it isn't true, it should probably be funny. 

Here are mine:

I'll start with some low hanging fruit, I predict 2011 will be the year of The Palins.  You think there's been a lot of Palin since 2008?  You ain't seen nothing yet.  Sarah Palin will officially throw in for Prez.  Todd Palin will be on Dancing with the Stars.  Bristol will get her own show on VH1 or E! or TLC.  Willow will get a recording contract and record a duo with Justin Bieber.  And ESPN2 will have live coverage of Trigger in the Special Olympics. 

Speaking of Bieber, and why the hell not, in 2011 Bieber will channel his inner Jim Morrison and go off the deep end.  This will not matter, because by then the Entertainment Machine will have crowned a new young sensation for 2011.  It will probably be Willow Palin. 

In 2011, not only will we not withdraw from Afghanistan, we'll probably send some more troops in for a "short duration" to put out some fires.  Obama will finally relent that he has not fucking clue when we're going to leave that sink hole of a military engagement.  But, nobody will really give a fuck, because by then, the Entertainment Machine will have crowned a new Reality TV show sensation for 2011. 

In the year two thousand and eleven the Space Shuttle fleet will be officially retired for good.  The private industry replacement for the Space Shuttle will sputter and flounder ala the Stealth Bomber.  On a shoestring budget, NASA will announce a stop-gap measure to keep supplies flowing to the International Space Station.  It will be called, The Big Ass Slingshot.

Finally, in 2011, PD.COM will see the return of Ambassador Klok Kaos.  We will see that he has decided to make a slight shift in his musical career aspirations.  Gone are the industrial metal trappings and bullshit.  He will have traded the sparkly pant-suits for tweed and polyester.  Gone are the drum machines.  In their place, saxaphone.  That's right, AKK will be Smooth Jazz. 

Please to be sharing your predictions. 

Cynicism is a blank check for failure.

Adios

#1
December 30, 2010, 02:44:31 PM
"And you shall hear of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not troubled; for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. And there will be famines, pestilences, and earthquakes in various places."

Matthew 24:6-7

Some things just never change.

Phox

#2
December 30, 2010, 02:45:08 PM
Predictions for 2011?

New Season: Disaster.

That's right, as the end times rapidly approach, weird shit is bond to happen. Sitting in my lovely Midwestern home, I have witnessed tornadoes, ice storms, some pretty bitching fires, an earthquake, and what has been deemed an inland hurricane. By my count, I have only a few major natural disasters left to experience, and only 2 years left to do it. Now, there is only one logical way for this to happen. Seismic activity along the New Madrid Faultline will increase, causing a tectonic shift that will cause a large volcanic cone to rise in some yokel's corner field. This "volcano" will belch smoke and noxious fumes, and attract tourists and scientists from all over the town. When a sufficient number of people have gathered round without the decency to throw in a virgin or two, the volcano god will grow angry and spit molten rock and hominy covering the surrounding area in lava and ash. Now, because I was faithful to the volcano god, my home will be spared.

However, due to the gases released by the volcano and the increased carbon emissions from people driving their vehicles to see the volcanic eruption, the net sum of greenhouse gases will reach critical levels, causing an exponential increase to the rate of the melting polar icecaps, causing the entire eastern seaboard to flooded. The new East Coast will be the western half of Indiana, the Gulf of Mexico will engulf every state  south of Kentucky, and The Pacific Ocean will claim Alcatraz, then decide California's not really worth the effort, and stop rising. However, seeing as how this is America, the White House will immediately recognize this as the terrorist plot that is, and launch all of their nuclear arsenal into the ocean. the massive atomic explosions will cause a fundamental shift in oceanic seismic patterns that will result in, that's right, a motherfuckin' tidal wave.  Again, being just far enough away to watch the rest of Indiana get covered in water (take that you fuckers), but not actually deal with the consequences myself, I will once again escape unharmed.

Now, at this point, things would be getting out of hand, if it hadn't been for the fact that the obligatory nuclear winter happened. I know what you all are thinking: "But Phox, nuclear winter wouldn't actually cancel out global warming". of course if fucking wouldn't. It would cause a flash ice age. That's right. There will be a nuclear ice age. By now, it's getting to be late December, and 2012 will be just around the corner.  What will happen then? I am not really sure.  

The Good Reverend Roger

#3
December 30, 2010, 03:57:22 PM
Bristol Palin will become the next Britney Spears.  No shit.  Having had a taste of personal fame on Dancing With The Has-Beens, she's going to melt down very publicly and very completely.  Sarah Palin will announce for the presidency way too early, and will get beaten like the family mule (her numbers are now down to 49% from 67% among the hard right, contrasted by Huckabee and a few of the others who are all above 53%).

The new teabagger/GOP house will industriously punish all the poor people who voted for them, amid the cheering of the very same fools.  The hideous things that happen to them will be blamed on Obama, and they will be at least partially correct.

The war in Afghanistan will balloon like Sally Struthers, and Iraq will once again bog down as Iran gets a little payback by shipping the nutjobs weapons and RDX.

The TSA will be granted further powers, and the abuses you see now will seem comical by comparison.

There will be new provisions added to the Media Shield Act, to make investigative journalism involving the government and certain corporations illegal.

Electronics prices are going to go up significantly.

Kim Jung Il's kid will take over North Korea, and all of his friends and supporters will have accidents, leaving the kid as a puppet to the hardliner generals.

Weather in Europe and the East coast of America will worsen significantly.



" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

BadBeast

#4
December 30, 2010, 04:35:20 PM
Bristol Palin will have Sheriff Joe Arapio's lovechild.
Julian Assange will be given Political Asylum by the Vatican,
Britain will withdraw from the EU,
Starbucks will open it's first Internet Cafe in downtown Kabul,
Somalia will be annexed by China,
Hawkwind will play at Colonel Gaddaffi's birthday party,
Hugo Chavez will the first President of the United States of Latin America,
There will be a drastic and complete failure of the 2011 Cocaine crop, leading to the collapse of the Federal Reserve,
Weltberger will mysteriously acquire some social skills,
Iran & Iraq will recombine to become the Democratic Persian Republic, significantly changing the power balance in the Middle East,
Bin Laden will be arrested in a routine traffic stop in William Shatner's De'Lorean, just outside Graceland,
Princess Diana will be seen descending in a "fiery chariot" over the Gaza Strip, throwing condoms and Mc'Vities Rich Tea Biscuits out of the window like confetti.

"We need a plane for Bombing, Strafing, Assault and Battery, Interception, Ground Support, and Reconaissance,
NOT JUST A "FAIR WEATHER FIGHTER"!

"I kinda like him. It's like he sees inside my soul" ~ Nigel


Whoever puts their hand on me to govern me, is a usurper, and a tyrant, and I declare them my enemy!

"And when the clouds obscure the moon, and normal service is resumed. It wont. Mean. A. Thing"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpkCJDYxH-4

Lenin McCarthy

#5
December 30, 2010, 05:07:33 PM Last Edit: December 30, 2010, 05:13:21 PM by Lenin McCarthy
On the 1st of January all known supervolcanoes (+ one unknown) will erupt simultaneously, throwing the world into a decade-long volcanic winter. Only a handful of humans will survive.

The Good Reverend Roger

#6
December 30, 2010, 05:07:58 PM
Sorry about your thread, RWHN.  I tried.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

AFK

#7
December 30, 2010, 05:12:56 PM
Well, it's my own fault for putting in the line about if they aren't true make them funny. 

Cynicism is a blank check for failure.

The Good Reverend Roger

#8
December 30, 2010, 05:14:20 PM
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name? on December 30, 2010, 05:12:56 PM
Well, it's my own fault for putting in the line about if they aren't true make them funny. 



Yeah, well.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Adios

#9
December 30, 2010, 05:15:38 PM
Most posts have been pretty good. Mine was weak, but brain is on vacation.

AFK

#10
December 30, 2010, 05:18:20 PM
Eh, no worries, let us continue...

A sports related one:  I predict the Pats will win the Superbowl.  This will be the New England areas only ray of hope as the Sox, Bruins, and Celtics all fail mightly.  Oh yeah the Revolution too but who the hell pays attention to that shit anyway? 
Cynicism is a blank check for failure.

Adios

#11
December 30, 2010, 05:29:59 PM
The Paul family will be declared the most sane voices in politics.

Someone will make a movie using an original idea and it will flop at the box office.

Tornado Alley will officially be moved to the Eastern Seaboard.

The Good Reverend Roger

#12
December 30, 2010, 05:35:10 PM
The Green Hornet will suck balls.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Adios

#13
December 30, 2010, 05:37:20 PM
Bret Favre will pose for Playgirl. In the humor section.

LMNO

#14
December 30, 2010, 05:46:51 PM
Lindsey Lohan will finally give up and make a hard-core gangbang video.  It will become the only porn in history to lose money.

NBC will reveal it's newest show, "Dress the Homeless" in which foreclosed families will compete in humiliating challenges in exchange for second-hand clothes rejected by Goodwill.

Stephanie Myer and Dan Brown will co-write a historic thriller about a priest searching for a secret egyptian document that describes how to make a zombie.  The twist: The zombies don't smell like corpses, they smell like roses.

Obama will switch announce that for his 2012 campaign, he will run as a Teabagger.
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