Mission Statement

[East Coast Hustle]

Who are we?

We're the Giving People. We're all about giving you more of what you want in quantities you can't possibly need. We're going to force-feed your head until you've got mental fois gras coming out your ears. We're committed to rekindling your commitment to Sparkle Motion. We do these things and more, at prices you can barely almost afford, because we KNOW in our HEARTS that too much is NEVER enough.

Who are we?

We're the providers. We'll tell you what you want while we give you what you need and tell you that you can trade it in as a 20% down payment on what you want. We're the Pay-It-Forward People. You'll never notice how hard we're fucking you in the ass because we've made sure that you'll be too busy buggering someone else while we're doing it. It feels good to give, doesn't it?

Who are we?

We're the Growing People. We've counteracted the recession with our innovative hiring practices. We know how to get more done with less, and we're making you know how as well. Spreading the message and teaching the methods, that's our way. More jobs for less wages. We're the Efficiency People. We won't need to replace you with a robot because we can replace you with 3 part-time Yous for less money.

Who are we?

[Cainad (dec.)]

We're the Opportunity People. It's our pleasure to hook you up with a loan for that thing you desperately need. After all, we know that it can't ALL be fun and games and fifty-two-inch High Definition TVs, though we do our best. That 50 grand you need to get through college another year or two? No problem at all, friend. We know you'll be around for a long, long time, and you'll have plenty of opportunities to pay us back, whether or not you feel like buying food that month. We're so eager to share this money with you, we'll drop you the cash for a brand-spanking-new $500,000 house at a barely-noticeable down payment, hardly any questions asked!

Who are we?

[The Johnny]

We're the Virtuous Crusaders, that know what's best for you and know that sacrifices need to be done if things will be as we envision them. Those 30,000 died so that we can still go to church and not feel indignant that our fellow brothers are getting high instead of being productive, so that we can stare right into our children's eyes and say "They all died to get you a better future, you should be grateful". And you will be grateful, or else.

Who are we?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

We're the Opinion People. It's our job to think, so you don't have to. We understand that the burdens of work, family, church, and making those loan payments on time are already enough without the added stress of having to come up with a position on the latest public events; that's why we're here to tell you not only what to think, but how to think it. Don't you worry; everything is going to be just fine. We have people on it. The food is perfectly safe, and the economy is just about to turn around. Studies show that working multiple part-time jobs is good for your health, and medical insurance is really just an unnecessary luxury for effete ivory-tower left-wing bleeding-heart liberals. A sixpack or two after work is a good way to relax and watching TV supports our economy. If you're worried, depressed, anxious, can't sleep, or suffer from cold sweats, poverty, headaches, impotence, or blurred vision, just mention us to your doctor by name.

Who are we?

[hooplala]

We're the Starfuckers.  It's our job to pry into the deepest corners of the lives of those who choose to entertain us.  We pay them to entertain us, and they do entertain us, but they owe us.  They owe us more.  They owe us their personal details, they owe us their intimate moments, they owe us their opinions, they owe us their soul.  We know that they are both bizarre and alien to us and yet exactly like us... they snort ground hedgehogs off the foreheads of midgets while fucking petrified octopus but they also shop at Target - just! like! us!  They also wear sweatpants and consume Big Macs and drive drunk and shoot their wives - there but for the grace of Judy Garland go all of us.  We create social networks, ostensibly to keep in touch with our "friends", but really to trick the gods of Hollywood to tell us how heavy their latest bowel movement was, or how often they clean lint from their bellybuttons, they owe us at least that much.  We paid for their mansions, we paid for their Bentley, we paid for their Mexican housekeeper, we paid for their alleged privacy, we own that privacy!  We own it!  They owe us!  They owe us!  They owe the Starfuckers, because we made them and we can break them just as easily.

Who are we?

[LMNO]

We're the horror junkies.  We track down the worst examples of humanity, and present it to you in snappy 12.5 minute segments.  We provide the tragedy you need, from aiplane disasters to floods in third world shitholes, tornadoes, earthquakes and famine.  We're the premium providers of impersonal pain.  But it doesn't stop there.  We're the Human Interest people.  We show you the burnouts, the fame whores, the poor-impule-control freakshows.  The megalomaniacal daddy issue fuckups, screaming for attention.  We scrape the pathetic bottom of those who bought into Warhol's prophecy, and parade them in front of you.  We're the ones who make you think these behaviors are "normal".  We're the ones who condition you into passive acceptance of evolutionary decline.

Who are we?