Author Topic: Eris and the Whiney Ass-Nozzle that is your Fucking Face  (Read 1988 times)

Salty

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Eris and the Whiney Ass-Nozzle that is your Fucking Face
« on: March 09, 2011, 07:18:04 am »
Eris is not here strictly for your amusement. Sure, if you can get on the joke that's swell. But not required for the smooth-running bowels of Discordia.

So many people, including myself, fail to understand Eris.

I saw her just this night. Eris came to me and spoke and she said:

"FASTER you whiney little bitch, FASTER."

2 minutes before I had been deeply immersed in Batman and Legos. I was fatigued, sore sinuses and ears, worn down from a days worth of a very curious childs questions. I was enjoing an oreoandthenBAM THE TOILET IS VOMITING.

It's overflowing with a days worth of sewage onto the floor, the chain is bound and holding up that damned rubber piece again which has been making it run the pump a-motherfucking-gain causing a never ending cascade of filth.

I put my hand in the tank to hold down the stopper to stop the flow of water. Of well water. Of Alaskan well water on a very cold march night. Once the tank is full and I'm sure the stopper is in there good I grab the plunger. After cramming into the bowl of filth and hammering it a few times NOTHING HAPPENS.

It's then, when I'm brutalitizing that toilet with the plunger, an overflow of fury attacking that piece of porcelain shit spewing shit, THEN I see her. Well, hear her. I hear Eris laughing at me, the voice is rising out of the toilet and she's laughing at me and saying:

"That's right FASTER! This is what you signed up for right? And the mess outside? And the mess inside everyone else? That's what you wanted, otherwise you wouldn't have called me."

I asked her, "You're never around when I need you, where is it that you go when you're away?"

She said, "Shut your goddamned mouth! You think this is some kind of namby-pamby footsteps in the sand moment? Are we gonna fucking hug now? You want me help you wif your wittle pwobwems? Here let me help you with that."

AND the stopper pops back out because my dumbass didn't bother to readjust the chain when I had the chance. AND the overflowing again AND the filth.

AND that's right where Eris is. She is not the kind of deity that DOES SHIT for you. She's not supposed to. It's always YOU looking for HER. She's THAT kind of lady. The places you can't find her are the one's you are afraid to go.

Discordia is one's own, and we all See Her a bit differently, but most of us are here because we see her a little bit the same. And the fact remains that the things you learn here are things you look for.

So look, if you can. The Ugly, The Weird, The Horrible. That shit is everywhere, it's overflowing.
The world is a car and you're the crash test dummy.

Shub-Crackerath

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Re: Eris and the Whiney Ass-Nozzle that is your Fucking Face
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2011, 11:24:21 am »
Good points Alty, although IMO if you are looking for her then you are wasting time. Experience tells me that she will find you, and its not always bad when she does. Just high-five her when she shows up and say something like;

"Yeah, you got me good you bitch. 'Spect y'all!"

And learn what she teaches you with her interference.


Cainad (dec.)

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Re: Eris and the Whiney Ass-Nozzle that is your Fucking Face
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2011, 04:11:11 pm »
OP is awesome, and the title is 100% :lulz:

Discordianism is the only religion I can think of that can so easily incorporate alternately praising and raining curses upon its patron deity.

Jenne

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Re: Eris and the Whiney Ass-Nozzle that is your Fucking Face
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2011, 04:22:42 pm »
OP is awesome, and the title is 100% :lulz:

Discordianism is the only religion I can think of that can so easily incorporate alternately praising and raining curses upon its patron deity.
 

IAWTC.  I had no real way to express how I felt about this post of yours, Alty, but Cainad summed it up pretty well...I've had days like what you're describing, too often for comfort.  I like your take on it.

The Good Reverend Roger

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Re: Eris and the Whiney Ass-Nozzle that is your Fucking Face
« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2011, 04:35:08 pm »
This is what you signed up for right?

This will be the motto of the 2011 Discordian Synod. 
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
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Phox

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Re: Eris and the Whiney Ass-Nozzle that is your Fucking Face
« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2011, 10:15:04 pm »
I am Doktor Phox and I approve this message.

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Re: Eris and the Whiney Ass-Nozzle that is your Fucking Face
« Reply #6 on: March 09, 2011, 10:24:23 pm »
:mittens: to the OP!!

Nice work Alty

Telarus

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Re: Eris and the Whiney Ass-Nozzle that is your Fucking Face
« Reply #7 on: March 10, 2011, 12:38:15 am »
I have had similar 'hallucinations'.


Nice.
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Sexecutioner Chao Tight

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Re: Eris and the Whiney Ass-Nozzle that is your Fucking Face
« Reply #8 on: March 10, 2011, 04:08:52 am »
OP, nice very nice.

Usually she is looking at me as I'm trying to pick my ass up out of some nasty wreck... asking "are you gonna do something about this shit or just set there and bleed?"  to which I reply "yeah, yeah give me a second"  then she slaps me up alongside my head, laughs then goes on to fuck with others.

She's a bitch, gotta love her.
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Re: Eris and the Whiney Ass-Nozzle that is your Fucking Face
« Reply #9 on: March 10, 2011, 04:29:28 am »
IAWTC.

I keep reading this as meaning "I Am the World Trade Center".
My shit list: Stephen Harper, anarchists that complain about taxes instead of institutionalized torture, those people walking, anyone who lets a single aspect of themselves define their entire personality, salesmen that don't smoke pipes, Fredericton New Brunswick, bigots, philosophy majors, my nemesis, pirates that don't do anything, criminals without class, sociopaths, narcissists, furries, juggalos, foes.

Subtract Eight!

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Re: Eris and the Whiney Ass-Nozzle that is your Fucking Face
« Reply #10 on: March 10, 2011, 05:39:39 am »
who this eric person erveryones on about
▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓   I\'ve subracted eight from tons of things.<br /><br />CANNA NUCCA GET A NAME CHANGE HURRR

Telarus

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Re: Eris and the Whiney Ass-Nozzle that is your Fucking Face
« Reply #12 on: March 10, 2011, 06:01:05 am »
IAWTC.

I keep reading this as meaning "I Am the World Trade Center".

That's what it means.

Also, @OP: FUCK THE FUCK YEAH. :mittens:
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Salty

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Re: Eris and the Whiney Ass-Nozzle that is your Fucking Face
« Reply #13 on: August 21, 2012, 10:47:38 pm »
Bump
The world is a car and you're the crash test dummy.

Salty

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Re: Eris and the Whiney Ass-Nozzle that is your Fucking Face
« Reply #14 on: August 21, 2012, 11:23:37 pm »
You know, in retrospect, what I should have done is simply stopped shitting. Then the toilet wouldn't have been an issue anymore.
The world is a car and you're the crash test dummy.