Luna's Adventures in Payroll

[Luna]

Aaah, my favorite.

A letter from the IRS.

Yep, new tax levy.  And, yes, the employee still works here.

Boys and girls, take my advice.  Do NOT fuck with the IRS.  They know where you work, they know where you live, and they do NOT fuck around when they want their money.  By the time I get one of these letters, I KNOW they've tried to reach you at home, and you've blown them off.

"Good morning, this is Luna in payroll.  I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.  I've received a federal tax levy that's going to come out of your check, starting next payroll.  There's some paperwork here for you to fill out."

Now, the usual response at this point is often along the line of, "screw you, I'm not filling anything out."  Alternately, there's, "can't you hold off until I talk to them?"  The more reasonable ask, "how much will be coming out?"

Here's how a tax levy works, kids.  It's not "how much will be coming out?"  It's "how much do they let you keep."

If you do NOT fill out the form, I withhold based on Single, one exemption.  We pay biweekly, which means your take-home pay is now $365.38.  No, it doesn't matter how much it was before, that's your net check, and EVERYTHING else gets sent to Uncle Sam until they tell me to stop.  You are not allowed to add any new deductions that are not required.  That's it.  And I'm required by law to do this, sorry, YOUR miserable ass isn't going to be me fired, fined, arrested, or anything else nasty the IRS can think of to do to me.

Now, what I CAN do for you is point out that if you fill out the form and claim your wife and two kids as three additional exemptions, you get to keep $1,015.38... and if you're nice to me, I'll happily explain that, and help you get it done and in before I run this week's payroll.  Hey, if you're a reasonable human, I'll even point out on your copy of the form where the phone number to call the IRS directly is, and tell you that if you call them and make some sort of reasonable plan with them, they'll fax me a release and NOT hose your check.

And I'll take time to explain this to you, if the first thing out of your mouth when you find out what we're talking about isn't a string of profanities and threats.  (Yes, I've been threatened.  No, I'm not impressed.  I know where you live, fuckhead.  I know your phone number, your social security number, and I've got the contact numbers you've given us to call your next of kin...  And if you think you'll get far jumping me at my car in the garage... well, particuarly after I've gotten a threat, you might want to think twice about that one.  I have toys I'd be happy to demonstrate upon your anatomy.)

So, take my advice.  Call the folks at the IRS, throw yourself on your sword for them, make a plan you can actually afford, fill out the damn forms for me, and, hey, how 'bout you pay your fucking taxes on time so I don't lose a half a day dealing with your shit?

[tyrannosaurus vex]

The only things certain in life are Death and Navkat kicking your ass.

[AliceTheProfessional]

Aaah, my favorite.

A letter from the IRS.

Yep, new tax levy.  And, yes, the employee still works here.

Boys and girls, take my advice.  Do NOT fuck with the IRS.  They know where you work, they know where you live, and they do NOT fuck around when they want their money.  By the time I get one of these letters, I KNOW they've tried to reach you at home, and you've blown them off.

"Good morning, this is Luna in payroll.  I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.  I've received a federal tax levy that's going to come out of your check, starting next payroll.  There's some paperwork here for you to fill out."

Now, the usual response at this point is often along the line of, "screw you, I'm not filling anything out."  Alternately, there's, "can't you hold off until I talk to them?"  The more reasonable ask, "how much will be coming out?"

Here's how a tax levy works, kids.  It's not "how much will be coming out?"  It's "how much do they let you keep."

If you do NOT fill out the form, I withhold based on Single, one exemption.  We pay biweekly, which means your take-home pay is now $365.38.  No, it doesn't matter how much it was before, that's your net check, and EVERYTHING else gets sent to Uncle Sam until they tell me to stop.  You are not allowed to add any new deductions that are not required.  That's it.  And I'm required by law to do this, sorry, YOUR miserable ass isn't going to be me fired, fined, arrested, or anything else nasty the IRS can think of to do to me.

Now, what I CAN do for you is point out that if you fill out the form and claim your wife and two kids as three additional exemptions, you get to keep $1,015.38... and if you're nice to me, I'll happily explain that, and help you get it done and in before I run this week's payroll.  Hey, if you're a reasonable human, I'll even point out on your copy of the form where the phone number to call the IRS directly is, and tell you that if you call them and make some sort of reasonable plan with them, they'll fax me a release and NOT hose your check.

And I'll take time to explain this to you, if the first thing out of your mouth when you find out what we're talking about isn't a string of profanities and threats.  (Yes, I've been threatened.  No, I'm not impressed.  I know where you live, fuckhead.  I know your phone number, your social security number, and I've got the contact numbers you've given us to call your next of kin...  And if you think you'll get far jumping me at my car in the garage... well, particuarly after I've gotten a threat, you might want to think twice about that one.  I have toys I'd be happy to demonstrate upon your anatomy.)

So, take my advice.  Call the folks at the IRS, throw yourself on your sword for them, make a plan you can actually afford, fill out the damn forms for me, and, hey, how 'bout you pay your fucking taxes on time so I don't lose a half a day dealing with your shit?

brb lolz forever

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I gotta say, my experience with the IRS has been that they are pretty nice people. I haven't paid taxes in two years due to complications regarding my divorce and being too broke to pay a bookkeeper, and everyone I've talked to has been super-awesome. I'm like, "SHIT LOL I CAN'T DO MY BOOKS" and they're like "WHOA FUCK, SORRY DUDE DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT WE WON'T FUCK YOU IN THE ASS, LIKE MAYBE WE'LL CHARGE YOU $50 BUT THAT AIN'T HARDLY SHIT"

I don't understand why people are so down on the IRS.

[Luna]

Mostly because when people hear IRS, they freak out and react like you would to a lion in your living room.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I gotta confess, if I got audited I would probably feel sorry for them and bake them a pie. Because I have all my records, in that pile right there.

[Luna]

I gotta confess, if I got audited I would probably feel sorry for them and bake them a pie. Because I have all my records, in that pile right there.

Good for ya. 

If I get audited, I'm fucked, all my paperwork is wherever my not-soon-enough-ex-husband put it.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Also I am bizarrely hopeless when it comes to bookkeeping. I am like, "Oh shit, plug a number in! I cannot do!"

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

You could never guess that I did bookkeeping for large corporations. Oh wait. Borders is going bankrupt. Maybe you can.

[LMNO]

The odd thing is, I can do numbers, and finances, and calculation, but only for other people.  I'm sloppy as hell with my personal expenses.  I can't seem to get over it.

[Luna]

Heh.  Bonus problem today.

I get an e-mail telling me that a student is no longer eligible for work study.  Why?

"Oh, she didn't register, she's not a student this semester."

Here's me, looking at all the hours she's worked this semester as a student employee.

Background:  We have two classes of student employees, work study, who are paid through federal funds (which is where she got caught), and payroll students, who are paid by the university.  In both cases, because they are students employed at an educational facility which they are attending, they are exempt from FICA taxes.

Except, of course, if you cease to attend classes.

Little girl owes FICA taxes on two months worth of checks.

And I gotta figure how to do this.

Hopefully she's worked enough hours for the upcoming check to pay off the FICA she owes.

[Luna]

So, I get a call from the front desk.

An employee is telling the secretary that his supervisor is manually punching him out in the system at 1:30, but he's not DONE until after that, is he getting paid for that time?

1...  Why isn't he punching himself out?
2...  If the manager is punching him out wrong, it's a massive Department of Labor issue.
3...  This is NOT my problem.  I pay the time handed to me on the timecard.
4...  The secretary really SHOULD know this is an HR issue, not a payroll issue, putting me on the spot by putting me on speaker, NOT appreciated.

[Iason Ouabache]

One of my coworkers got fucked by the IRS through one of these. Someone in California stole his SSN and actually filed a tax claim with it. IRS figures they were screwed out of money so they took it from him. He says it would have cost more money to fight it than they were taking and it would have taken years to get back the money anyway, so he had to just take it up the ass from the IRS for about 6 months. Didn't help that he was going through a divorce at the time because his wife had destroyed his credit.

[Luna]

One of my coworkers got fucked by the IRS through one of these. Someone in California stole his SSN and actually filed a tax claim with it. IRS figures they were screwed out of money so they took it from him. He says it would have cost more money to fight it than they were taking and it would have taken years to get back the money anyway, so he had to just take it up the ass from the IRS for about 6 months. Didn't help that he was going through a divorce at the time because his wife had destroyed his credit.

That blows a lot.  The worst part is hearing stories like that, and knowing there's not a damn thing you, as an employer, can do but withhold the money.

[Luna]

FUCK.

I've been getting calls since Friday.  "Where's my paycheck?"

Well, the mailroom picked the damn things up Thursday.  I call the mailroom on Friday.  "Oh, yes, they went out."

Monday.  More calls.

Today, MORE calls.

Today, e-mail from my boss.  "The checks are still at the mailroom."

Fuck me sideways.

I've got some REALLY pissed off people, here.