HELP ME SUUUUU

[Suu]

Do you use the drawstring?  This happened to me a few years ago and I just realized the draw string was superfluous, so I cut it off.

It's not superfluous if you want to impersonate a character from "South Park", or you have an asphixiation fetish.
I usually take them off my hoodies, they scream liability.

I can see it, Richter, leaning forward at the 7/11 hot dog roller to gaze at the gleaming near-sausages within.  In the trance brought forth by those glistening wieners, you barely notice the tug on the drawstring of your hoodie.  It's fed from one roller to the next, drawing you inexorably closer and suddenly your vision focuses not on the choice convenience store delicacies but the angry, vengeful red heat lamps above.  And your fate.

[Luna]

Do you use the drawstring?  This happened to me a few years ago and I just realized the draw string was superfluous, so I cut it off.

It's not superfluous if you want to impersonate a character from "South Park", or you have an asphixiation fetish.
I usually take them off my hoodies, they scream liability.

I can see it, Richter, leaning forward at the 7/11 hot dog roller to gaze at the gleaming near-sausages within.  In the trance brought forth by those glistening wieners, you barely notice the tug on the drawstring of your hoodie.  It's fed from one roller to the next, drawing you inexorably closer and suddenly your vision focuses not on the choice convenience store delicacies but the angry, vengeful red heat lamps above.  And your fate.

I can see it.  My face slowly roasts off and my cires for help are strangled by the hoody's strings.  I'm found hours later, my flesh leathery in spots sloughed off, grinning skull exposed under those evil lamps, weiners churning around my ears, and a massive strangulation induced erection jutting forth from my pance.

"Death by Misadventure"

Well, by happy accident, I came across this AFTER lunch, not before, which means you didn't destroy my appetite today. 

[Sir Squid Diddimus]

THIS SHIT MADE MY FUCKING DAY!

[Eater of Clowns]

I actually got the ambulance call at work.  I've heard some distraught EMTs in my years, but I don't think I've ever heard horrormirth actually creak through their voice quite like this time.

It was a priority 1 call, meaning basically they're either dead or dying.  Judging from the tone, I'll go with the former.  The got the call from Fall River, a guy stepping into the convenience store to buy some gas.  The clerk had, apparently, fled some time before.  A streak of sweat and grease on the door marked where his forehead apparently slammed as he attempted to run through the reinforced glass.  It must have been a fuck of a thing.  The guy works in a cess pit even New Bedford can look down upon, so you know he's seen some shit.

So the EMT says the guy was found with his head in a hot dog heater, his hoodie draw string all rolled up in a deadly weave amongst the favored late night treats of stoners and loners and gastronomic daredevils.  As you can imagine, the taught string had pulled the hood pretty well closed over the victim's face, basically catching itself on his brow and just under the nose.  These ambulance drivers don't usually get very descriptive in these cases, but here the man turned right into a poet.  He said the flesh looked like a topographical map of Mars, his nose closest to the heat lamps an Olympus Mons of sorts, but in the younger days of the planet where the occasional gush hinted at a life only very recently extinguished.

Evidence of a priapism is one of those things they teach you at the EMT courses, but I think this man forewent the traditional sweep of the crotch.  By his description, the hot dog heater was overhanging a shelf of bagged chips and small candies, which were strewn and, paradoxically, open.  A Neco wafer had lodged itself in the ceiling as though thrown like a discus.

He was covered in bruises.  I wanted then to interject and tell them, inform them they did not result from the struggle but from being beaten by sticks, which was in fact the purpose of his late night outing.  It explains why, in his tired state, energy expenditure did not seem all that great but for one thing.  After the momentary resistance against the slow and wretched machine, the man apparently gave up and focused on a new goal.  He ripped and he tore and he contorted in ways a big man should not be able to do to reach it.  Richter was found with a half eaten hot dog in his mouth, still present at the time of the ambulance ride as, apparently, it had been fused to him in the time it took the paramedics to arrive.

The EMT suggested a cleaning crew.  They were covered in vomit both their own and that of the patrons that seemed to witness the event, expel their stomachs, and turn heel in hopes of vanquishing the sight forever.  My guess is at least one of them is still running.

The important thing is he had a smile on his face and, well, they don't clean the grease trays on those things very often so a part of him is still among us.  Friends, this was a Holy Man.  I say we dedicate this 7/11 a shrine, and partake of its delectable wieners on Fridays.  Of course, sans buns.

[Luna]

I can't fucking breathe.   

[Jenne]

PRIAPISM? NECO WAFERS?? 

[Luna]

PRIAPISM? NECO WAFERS?? 

In the CEILING!

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

jesus christ I have to stop reading this stuff at work.  Not only do they think I'm insane, now I need yet another fucking keyboard.  

   

Gentlemen BRAVO!!

     

[Richter]

Ye GODS man!   

I love the amount of degredation, realism and indirect cannibalism in these.

We must ask though, who do we eulogize next?

[Luna]

Ye GODS man!   

I love the amount of degredation, realism and indirect cannibalism in these.

We must ask though, who do we eulogize next?

[Suu]

Ye GODS man!   

I love the amount of degredation, realism and indirect cannibalism in these.

We must ask though, who do we eulogize next?

[Jenne]

...SUU!  you know not what you ask!

[Suu]

I've known Richter for the better part of a decade. I don't fear that man.

[Jenne]

Yes yes...but he's now got an archangel!

[Suu]

EoC? Meh. He's from New Bedford, which is like Providence's redheaded stepchild that was born from the disgusting union of Fall River and Brockton. It's a good thing we have a couple of rivers and bays separating us from Southeast Mass. It's a great way to keep him quarantined.