News:

PD.com: The culmination of the 'Ted Stevens Plan'

Main Menu

RIP: East Coast/Rip City Hustle

Started by Suu, May 03, 2011, 05:05:32 PM

Previous topic - Next topic
Print
Go Down Pages1 2 3
User actions

Suu

May 03, 2011, 05:05:32 PM
The wreckage of the vessel was strewn from the inlet leading into Newport News, Virginia clear down to the Bahamas. Reports were coming in that children along the beaches of North Florida were now undergoing treatment for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and would probably needed to have their head shrunk for the rest of their lives.

"It's pretty horrible what happened." A witness said, standing on the beach and unable to lift his eyes from the Carolina shoreline as micro-fragments of fiberglass and filaments of human remains drifted peacefully to the Outer Banks. "It just...came out of nowhere."

Reports state that the explosion was caused by a projectile that was untraceable by the United States Department of Defense, heading from the North-Northeast. The Department of Homeland Security has released a statement that although they are unsure of the reasoning behind the attack, they have no reason to believe it was an act of terrorism, and did not elevate the current terror threat level.

The overall motive was not determined, but reports are leading that the primary target was the ship's cook, known only by initials as RCH.  A spokesman for the Sovereign Principality of Kaousuu, formerly the State of Rhode Island, has denied all comments that the missile originated from the top of the Claiborne Pell Newport Bridge, and simply stated, "The relationship between the Princess and the ship's cook has always been a tense one, much like the Cold War, and threats were being made by the cook which our Principality was taking very seriously. She did know him before the name change, back when he was still known as ECH."

Princess Suu herself was unavailable for direct comment, but she did release a pre-recorded commentary regarding the incident:

"To the devout subjects of my Sovereign Principality, our neighbors in the United States of America and the Socialist Provinces of Canuckistan,

It is my duty to announce that today, a strike was taken against the man known as RCH, formerly ECH of our newly acquired Maine Territories. As you all know, situations with this man and myself have been tense for these past five years, and we were drawing closer to a declaration of war.

He had expressed intent to launch an initiative against the Principality and our collective territories if certain agreements were not met. Failing to stand down after our countless demands, a preemptive attack was planned by myself and my chief advisor, Richter, to stop RCH in his tracks. The strike was more formidable than initially planned, and the projectile, a HIMEOBS-issued tactical 100% tungsten X-51 Hypersonic Cruise Missile, made contact with the primary target at approximately 1300 hours this afternoon. The damage was more severe than anticipated, with collateral damage being taken out in the unfortunate deaths of the entire ships' crew, and an 25-foot sperm whale which was surfacing for air in the vicinity of the explosion. Our deepest condolences go out to their families, and assure them that their loss was not in vain."

The video continues with Her Highness describing the exact location in the Atlantic Ocean where the strike took place, the status of the sperm whale on the endangered species list, and how to properly execute a hand-rolled hem on a polyester crepe weave skirt.


President Barack Obama also commented on the event with the following statement:




Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

Kai

#1
May 03, 2011, 05:08:59 PM
 :lulz:
If there is magic on this planet, it is contained in water. --Loren Eisley, The Immense Journey

Her Royal Majesty's Chief of Insect Genitalia Dissection
Grand Visser of the Six Legged Class
Chanticleer of the Holometabola Clade Church, Diptera Parish

Suu

#2
May 03, 2011, 05:19:37 PM
It would take them months to finally collected the stewed salty remains of the crew, though it was never confirmed if RCH was in fact, on the ship at the time of the strike.
Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

The Good Reverend Roger

#3
May 03, 2011, 05:21:05 PM
 :lulz:
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Suu

#4
May 03, 2011, 06:09:41 PM
You laugh now, Roger...you wouldn't want me to get trigger happy all over Tucson, would you?
Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

The Good Reverend Roger

#5
May 03, 2011, 06:10:12 PM
Quote from: Suu the Infallible on May 03, 2011, 06:09:41 PM
You laugh now, Roger...you wouldn't want me to get trigger happy all over Tucson, would you?

Yes.  Yes, I would.

Soon.  NOW.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Suu

#6
May 03, 2011, 06:13:28 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 03, 2011, 06:10:12 PM
Quote from: Suu the Infallible on May 03, 2011, 06:09:41 PM
You laugh now, Roger...you wouldn't want me to get trigger happy all over Tucson, would you?

Yes.  Yes, I would.

Soon.  NOW.

I'll reset the guns. Hold up.
Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

The Good Reverend Roger

#7
May 03, 2011, 06:20:26 PM
A bit long and to the right.  You just blew up Picacho.

Nobody seems to have noticed, however.  It already looked like post-WWII Berlin.

Drop 5 miles, left 30 miles.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Suu

#8
May 03, 2011, 06:25:54 PM
FIRE IN THE HOLE!


...Shit, I think I over shot that one.



Oh well, no one terribly liked that part of Los Angeles, did they?
Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

The Good Reverend Roger

#9
May 03, 2011, 06:28:40 PM
Quote from: Suu the Infallible on May 03, 2011, 06:25:54 PM
FIRE IN THE HOLE!


...Shit, I think I over shot that one.



Oh well, no one terribly liked that part of Los Angeles, did they?

Nope, you're good.  You hit the Mission Mine retaining wall, and let 3,000,000 gallons of sulphuric acid slurry flood the town of Green Valley1.  No loss, that's where we store our retired, washed-up republicans and Alice Cooper (redundant statement, I know).

Right 20 miles and fire for effect.

1  Yes, they really built an acid settling lake just above a town.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Suu

#10
May 03, 2011, 06:31:57 PM
Recalculating...


and...FIRE!
Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

The Good Reverend Roger

#11
May 03, 2011, 06:42:07 PM
Okay, this is BULLSHIT.  I could SEE those bastards homing in on my office, and they suddenly bounced off of nothing and landed on Vail.

God's cheating again.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Suu

#12
May 03, 2011, 06:50:47 PM
Immortality is a bitch, I hear.
Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

The Good Reverend Roger

#13
May 03, 2011, 06:51:26 PM
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.
Print
Go Up Pages1 2 3
User actions