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ITT: Staff Meetings from Hell

Started by AFK, May 10, 2011, 05:35:32 PM

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AFK

May 10, 2011, 05:35:32 PM
I think I just experienced what had to be the most excruciating staff meeting since I started working in this particular agency.  I know you've all had these meetings too.  People are blathering on about bullshit that doesn't matter.  It's bullshit that doesn't impact your job at all and is probably only relevant to two people who could be discussing it, in their own damn meeting.  Or you have the person who decides to just fillibuster the meeting with anything and everything that pops into their head. 

You sit there and just seethe.  You imagine every single one of their heads just exploding, imploding, falling off, whatever it takes for them to shut up or for the meeting to be over.  You also sit there and ponder, how the hell does this outfit accomplish anything if people spend so much time contemplating nothing.  How is it that someone hasn't come and shut us down? 

How do we deal with this scourge?  How do we stamp out useless and time-wasting meetings!  How do you guys deal with it?  Do you employ any little tricks or magicks to get meetings back on track, or to get them to end, or, to at least keep yourself entertained? 

Cynicism is a blank check for failure.

Adios

#1
May 10, 2011, 05:37:59 PM
A written meeting agenda, refocusing the group on the issue. Repeat.

The Good Reverend Roger

#2
May 10, 2011, 05:38:03 PM
I know precisely what you're talking about.

I usually resort to mockery (ie, moving my head and mouth in a "blah blah blah" fashion while the engineer blathers), and then claim my pills made me do it when the affected individual blows the fuck up and leaves the room in a huff.

Strangely, my boss invites me to more and more meetings.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Suu

#3
May 10, 2011, 09:10:10 PM
ARE YOU PROMOTING SYNERGY?
Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

Luna

#4
May 10, 2011, 09:12:23 PM
My first contribution to the Nessie thread was written in a staff meeting, in my WORST handwriting.  To anybody else, it's scribbles (and I lost part of it, because I couldn't read it)...  I called it a very productive meeting.
Death-dealing hormone freak of deliciousness
Pagan-Stomping Valkyrie of the Interbutts™
Rampaging Slayer of Shit-Fountain Habitues

"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know, everybody you see, everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake, and they live in a state of constant, total amazement."

Quote from: The Payne on November 16, 2011, 07:08:55 PM
If Luna was a furry, she'd sex humans and scream "BEASTIALITY!" at the top of her lungs at inopportune times.

Quote from: Nigel on March 24, 2011, 01:54:48 AM
I like the Luna one. She is a good one.

Quote
"Stop talking to yourself.  You don't like you any better than anyone else who knows you."

AFK

#5
May 10, 2011, 09:16:19 PM
Quote from: Suu the Infallible on May 10, 2011, 09:10:10 PM
ARE YOU PROMOTING SYNERGY?

I'M PROMOTING DYSENTERY!
Cynicism is a blank check for failure.

Suu

#6
May 10, 2011, 09:24:58 PM
Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

Eve Hill

#7
May 10, 2011, 11:47:40 PM
You could liven up a meeting from hell with shooting rubber bands under the table..? They won't catch on right away on who it is if you have a good poker face. It also helps the chatty ones sum it up faster.

*warning: Do NOT try this when the person across the table from you is wearing a skirt. My last day of work, I lost my poker face when my supervisor suddenly levitated with a violated look on her face.*

AFK

#8
May 11, 2011, 12:18:43 AM
Nah!  Slapstick isn't going to fix this shit.  They all need an adjustment. 
Cynicism is a blank check for failure.

Eve Hill

#9
May 11, 2011, 12:25:47 AM
Ok. :-) Then I'll second what Charlie Brown said. I liked his advice.

The Good Reverend Roger

#10
May 11, 2011, 12:50:41 AM
Quote from: R.W.H.N. on May 11, 2011, 12:18:43 AM
Nah!  Slapstick isn't going to fix this shit.  They all need an adjustment. 

Done properly, slapstick IS an adjustment.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Luna

#11
May 11, 2011, 02:08:51 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 11, 2011, 12:50:41 AM
Quote from: R.W.H.N. on May 11, 2011, 12:18:43 AM
Nah!  Slapstick isn't going to fix this shit.  They all need an adjustment. 

Done properly, slapstick IS an adjustment.

Depends how hard you slap them with the stick.
Death-dealing hormone freak of deliciousness
Pagan-Stomping Valkyrie of the Interbutts™
Rampaging Slayer of Shit-Fountain Habitues

"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know, everybody you see, everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake, and they live in a state of constant, total amazement."

Quote from: The Payne on November 16, 2011, 07:08:55 PM
If Luna was a furry, she'd sex humans and scream "BEASTIALITY!" at the top of her lungs at inopportune times.

Quote from: Nigel on March 24, 2011, 01:54:48 AM
I like the Luna one. She is a good one.

Quote
"Stop talking to yourself.  You don't like you any better than anyone else who knows you."

AFK

#12
May 11, 2011, 01:57:56 PM
I think an epic Three Stooges-style pie fight might do wonders.  At the very least, I'll be entertained.  

But that would be hard to pull off.

"What's that?  Oh, the pies?  Umm, I'm testing out a new substance abuse intervention program.  Yeah, that's it!"
Cynicism is a blank check for failure.

Dysfunctional Cunt

#13
May 11, 2011, 02:57:34 PM
I find exlax chocolate muffins brought in the morning of the meeting usually cancels said meeting before lunch.....  :evil:

Miss Demeanor

#14
May 11, 2011, 09:37:55 PM
Quote from: Khara on May 11, 2011, 02:57:34 PM
I find exlax chocolate muffins brought in the morning of the meeting usually cancels said meeting before lunch.....  :evil:

Or ExLax brownies.  Just make sure no one suspects(or knows you're the one who made them).
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