ITT: Staff Meetings from Hell

[AFK]

I think I just experienced what had to be the most excruciating staff meeting since I started working in this particular agency.  I know you've all had these meetings too.  People are blathering on about bullshit that doesn't matter.  It's bullshit that doesn't impact your job at all and is probably only relevant to two people who could be discussing it, in their own damn meeting.  Or you have the person who decides to just fillibuster the meeting with anything and everything that pops into their head. 

You sit there and just seethe.  You imagine every single one of their heads just exploding, imploding, falling off, whatever it takes for them to shut up or for the meeting to be over.  You also sit there and ponder, how the hell does this outfit accomplish anything if people spend so much time contemplating nothing.  How is it that someone hasn't come and shut us down? 

How do we deal with this scourge?  How do we stamp out useless and time-wasting meetings!  How do you guys deal with it?  Do you employ any little tricks or magicks to get meetings back on track, or to get them to end, or, to at least keep yourself entertained? 

[Adios]

A written meeting agenda, refocusing the group on the issue. Repeat.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I know precisely what you're talking about.

I usually resort to mockery (ie, moving my head and mouth in a "blah blah blah" fashion while the engineer blathers), and then claim my pills made me do it when the affected individual blows the fuck up and leaves the room in a huff.

Strangely, my boss invites me to more and more meetings.

[Suu]

ARE YOU PROMOTING SYNERGY?

[Luna]

My first contribution to the Nessie thread was written in a staff meeting, in my WORST handwriting.  To anybody else, it's scribbles (and I lost part of it, because I couldn't read it)...  I called it a very productive meeting.

[AFK]

ARE YOU PROMOTING SYNERGY?

I'M PROMOTING DYSENTERY!

[Suu]

ARE YOU PROMOTING SYNERGY?

I'M PROMOTING DYSENTERY!

[Eve Hill]

You could liven up a meeting from hell with shooting rubber bands under the table..? They won't catch on right away on who it is if you have a good poker face. It also helps the chatty ones sum it up faster.

*warning: Do NOT try this when the person across the table from you is wearing a skirt. My last day of work, I lost my poker face when my supervisor suddenly levitated with a violated look on her face.*

[AFK]

Nah!  Slapstick isn't going to fix this shit.  They all need an adjustment. 

[Eve Hill]

Ok. Then I'll second what Charlie Brown said. I liked his advice.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Nah!  Slapstick isn't going to fix this shit.  They all need an adjustment. 

Done properly, slapstick IS an adjustment.

[Luna]

Nah!  Slapstick isn't going to fix this shit.  They all need an adjustment. 

Done properly, slapstick IS an adjustment.

Depends how hard you slap them with the stick.

[AFK]

I think an epic Three Stooges-style pie fight might do wonders.  At the very least, I'll be entertained.  

But that would be hard to pull off.

"What's that?  Oh, the pies?  Umm, I'm testing out a new substance abuse intervention program.  Yeah, that's it!"

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

I find exlax chocolate muffins brought in the morning of the meeting usually cancels said meeting before lunch..... 

[Miss Demeanor]

I find exlax chocolate muffins brought in the morning of the meeting usually cancels said meeting before lunch..... 

Or ExLax brownies.  Just make sure no one suspects(or knows you're the one who made them).