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Grimmer Fairy Tales, #1: The Princess and the Pea.

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, May 11, 2011, 04:50:06 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

May 11, 2011, 04:50:06 PM Last Edit: May 11, 2011, 05:54:26 PM by The Good Reverend Roger
Once there was a crown prince who decided to find a wife.  He talked to his aging father's vizier, who instructed him that a proper wife for a future king had to be the most refined princess available.

"How do I determine which princess fits the bill?", he asked.

"It's simple.  You put a pea under a stack of mattresses.  If she's the one, she'll feel it."

The prince thought this was a good idea, and had his brother help him stack the mattresses in the guest room.  Then he sent a messengers to all the other kingdoms, stating that he was hunting a marriage.

Now, the kingdom being a prosperous one, the prospective princesses lined right up.  While they were visiting, they were put in the mattress room to sleep.  For months, he would question each princess the next morning about how they slept.  And for months, they always said, "wonderfully".  These princesses were politely sent home.

One day, however, a beautiful, pale princess arrived.  After dinner, she was put to bed in the mattress room.  The next day, the  prince inquired as to how well she had slept.

"Terribly, I'm afraid.  There was some sort of lump in one of the mattresses."

The prince was ecstatic.  He had found his bride, and she was a looker, too. They were married by fall.  

Things went horribly wrong on the wedding night, however.  The prince had not considered just HOW sensitive a princess would have to be, to feel a pea through 12 mattresses.  The end result was that their consummation was so painful for her that she died midway through the act.

The prince was so horrified by what had just happened, and his obvious part in it, and went mad.  He was confined to the tallest tower in the palace, and forgotten.

His brother paid off the vizier, but then had him quietly suffocated with a pillow, to make sure he kept his mouth shut.  A year later, he married the daughter of the strongest neighboring king...A healthy lass, with perhaps an extra pound or two on her.  They produced many heirs, and in the fullness of time, the brother became king, and did a far better job of it than his foolish brother would have managed.

Moral of the story:  Ensure that the advice you take comes from a disinterested source.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Suu

#1
May 11, 2011, 04:52:00 PM
Phew.

My Principality is secure because I can take hard dicking!
Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

LMNO

#2
May 11, 2011, 04:52:47 PM
Breaking news:  My pance just exploded.  Brb.

Suu

#3
May 11, 2011, 04:53:22 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD on May 11, 2011, 04:52:47 PM
Breaking news:  My pance just exploded.  Brb.

:lulz:
Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

Freeky

#4
May 11, 2011, 04:53:49 PM
That was a wonderful story!  

Luna

#5
May 11, 2011, 04:54:19 PM
Heh.  I saw the title, and half expected her demise to be from strangulation, as the prince couldn't take her CONSTANT whining about every stupid little thing.

Nice.   :lulz:
Death-dealing hormone freak of deliciousness
Pagan-Stomping Valkyrie of the Interbutts™
Rampaging Slayer of Shit-Fountain Habitues

"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know, everybody you see, everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake, and they live in a state of constant, total amazement."

Quote from: The Payne on November 16, 2011, 07:08:55 PM
If Luna was a furry, she'd sex humans and scream "BEASTIALITY!" at the top of her lungs at inopportune times.

Quote from: Nigel on March 24, 2011, 01:54:48 AM
I like the Luna one. She is a good one.

Quote
"Stop talking to yourself.  You don't like you any better than anyone else who knows you."

Freeky

#6
May 11, 2011, 04:55:51 PM
Quote from: Luna on May 11, 2011, 04:54:19 PM
Heh.  I saw the title, and half expected her demise to be from strangulation, as the prince couldn't take her CONSTANT whining about every stupid little thing.

Nice.   :lulz:

I had no idea where he would go with it, and the ride, as I expected, was good. 8)

Luna

#7
May 11, 2011, 04:57:07 PM
Quote from: Jenkem and Tomahawks on May 11, 2011, 04:55:51 PM
Quote from: Luna on May 11, 2011, 04:54:19 PM
Heh.  I saw the title, and half expected her demise to be from strangulation, as the prince couldn't take her CONSTANT whining about every stupid little thing.

Nice.   :lulz:

I had no idea where he would go with it, and the ride, as I expected, was good. 8)

[redacted]

I can not find a way to say that Roger is always a good ride without causing LMNO to go find yet another pair of pance.
Death-dealing hormone freak of deliciousness
Pagan-Stomping Valkyrie of the Interbutts™
Rampaging Slayer of Shit-Fountain Habitues

"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know, everybody you see, everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake, and they live in a state of constant, total amazement."

Quote from: The Payne on November 16, 2011, 07:08:55 PM
If Luna was a furry, she'd sex humans and scream "BEASTIALITY!" at the top of her lungs at inopportune times.

Quote from: Nigel on March 24, 2011, 01:54:48 AM
I like the Luna one. She is a good one.

Quote
"Stop talking to yourself.  You don't like you any better than anyone else who knows you."

Bebek Sincap Ratatosk

#8
May 11, 2011, 04:59:19 PM
 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

:mittens:
- I don't see race. I just see cars going around in a circle.

"Back in my day, crazy meant something. Now everyone is crazy" - Charlie Manson

The Good Reverend Roger

#10
May 11, 2011, 05:35:18 PM
Quote from: Suu the Infallible on May 11, 2011, 04:52:00 PM
Phew.

My Principality is secure because I can take hard dicking!

Thread turned over to Suu.

" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Suu

#11
May 11, 2011, 05:36:43 PM
Wait...what?

I merely followed the advice of this fairy tale, I don't have my own tale to supplement!
Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#12
May 11, 2011, 05:53:32 PM
That was an EXCELLENT story, and the best part was the "dude... of course! Why didn't I think of that!" aspect.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

P3nT4gR4m

#13
May 11, 2011, 05:53:41 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 11, 2011, 04:50:06 PM


His brother paid off the vizier, but then had him quietly suffocated with a pillow, to make sure he kept his mouth shut.  A year later, he married the daughter of the strongest neighboring king...A health lass, with perhaps an extra pound or two on her.  They produced many heirs, and in the fullness of time, the brother became king, and did a far better job of it than his foolish brother would have.

Moral of the story:  Ensure that the advice you take comes from a disinterested source.


Typo alert!

Also :mittens: This so has "series" potential

I'm up to my arse in Brexit Numpties, but I want more.  Target-rich environments are the new sexy.
Not actually a meat product.
Ass-Kicking & Foot-Stomping Ancient Master of SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK
Awful and Bent Behemothic Results of Last Night's Painful Squat.
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walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

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Disco Pickle

#14
May 11, 2011, 05:56:36 PM
completely not how I saw this ending.  the moral was the best part, but the entirety of it is great.
"Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter." --William Ralph Inge

"sometimes someone confesses a sin in order to take credit for it." -- John Von Neumann
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