Quotes of the Moment II

[Luna]

"My belt buckle fell on it, so the lens is kinda cracked..."

[Suu]

Dartmouth Fett: "Good morning! It's SMF! Are you excited? I can't wait to see you!"

Me: "I hope you don't mind doing it with one eye, then. The other one may end up being swollen shut by the end of the day."

[Salty]

Jeebus luvin FB friend: He's God all by Himself. <3

Me: He must be lonely. He need a girlfriend. Kali is single, I hear. Plus she's smokin'! http://i.imgur.com/HcG65.jpg

[Juana]

[Cramulus]

The one sure way to make yourself unpopular in the United States these days is to mention the fact that Christianity and Democracy have been among the worst disasters to ever befall the human race.       -RAW

[Lenin McCarthy]

"A journalist is a person who makes a living from not being able to write." - Jens Bjørneboe

[Cain]

Especially true in the case of Thomas Friedman

http://www.nypress.com/article-11419-flathead.html

I think it was about five months ago that Press editor Alex Zaitchik whispered to me in the office hallway that Thomas Friedman had a new book coming out. All he knew about it was the title, but that was enough; he approached me with the chilled demeanor of a British spy who has just discovered that Hitler was secretly buying up the world's manganese supply. Who knew what it meant but one had to assume the worst

"It's going to be called The Flattening," he whispered. Then he stood there, eyebrows raised, staring at me, waiting to see the effect of the news when it landed. I said nothing.

It turned out Alex had bad information; the book that ultimately came out would be called The World Is Flat. It didn't matter. Either version suggested the same horrifying possibility. Thomas Friedman in possession of 500 pages of ruminations on the metaphorical theme of flatness would be a very dangerous thing indeed. It would be like letting a chimpanzee loose in the NORAD control room; even the best-case scenario is an image that could keep you awake well into your 50s.

So I tried not to think about it. But when I heard the book was actually coming out, I started to worry. Among other things, I knew I would be asked to write the review. The usual ratio of Friedman criticism is 2:1, i.e., two human words to make sense of each single word of Friedmanese. Friedman is such a genius of literary incompetence that even his most innocent passages invite feature-length essays. I'll give you an example, drawn at random from The World Is Flat. On page 174, Friedman is describing a flight he took on Southwest Airlines from Baltimore to Hartford, Connecticut. (Friedman never forgets to name the company or the brand name; if he had written The Metamorphosis, Gregor Samsa would have awoken from uneasy dreams in a Sealy Posturepedic.) Here's what he says:

I stomped off, went through security, bought a Cinnabon, and glumly sat at the back of the B line, waiting to be herded on board so that I could hunt for space in the overhead bins.

Forget the Cinnabon. Name me a herd animal that hunts. Name me one.

This would be a small thing were it not for the overall pattern. Thomas Friedman does not get these things right even by accident. It's not that he occasionally screws up and fails to make his metaphors and images agree. It's that he always screws it up. He has an anti-ear, and it's absolutely infallible; he is a Joyce or a Flaubert in reverse, incapable of rendering even the smallest details without genius. The difference between Friedman and an ordinary bad writer is that an ordinary bad writer will, say, call some businessman a shark and have him say some tired, uninspired piece of dialogue: Friedman will have him spout it. And that's guaranteed, every single time. He never misses.

[kingyak]

http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/blogs/taibblog/caption-contest-we-have-a-winner-20111017#ixzz1f8FE91Zj

Anyway, this prize is going to the first reader who completes the following internet scavenger hunt. Just submit, in the comments section, links to the following:

    1) Find a mixed metaphor in a newspaper column not written by Thomas Friedman.

    2) A YouTube clip involving a politician and a farm animal. This does not need to be sexual in nature.

    3) An Islamic website offering an instruction on the permissibility of an obscure practice. For instance, a solid submission would be a link to a page giving instructions to Muslims on whether or not it is permissible to perform an autopsy on a circus clown.

[Lenin McCarthy]

I actually bought that book (The World is Flat) for one or two dollars in NYC last month because I needed something to read, and I thought I recognized the name from somewhere. Needless to say, I never finished reading it and I don't intend to do so either.

[Suu]

St. Dingbat: So, for the Ugly Sweater Party this year, I'm making a Charlie the Unicorn ugly sweater.

Me: I...I can't even begin to describe how amazing that is...

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

"If you're an American citizen and you betray your country, you're not going to be given a lawyer." Senator Lindsey Graham

[The Good Reverend Roger]

"If you're an American citizen and you betray your country, you're not going to be given a lawyer." Senator Lindsey Graham

heeeee

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

"If you're an American citizen and you betray your country, you're not going to be given a lawyer." Senator Lindsey Graham

I really want to rub my ex's nose in it, except part of my victory in being right is that also right now he is busy losing his house.

It's a bit of a bitter victory.

[Suu]

Sister: What are you getting dad for Christmas?

Me: The "Baa Baa Black Sheep" Season 1 boxset.

Sister: Goddamnit. I have no idea what to get the Fat Fuck. (Yes, we really do refer to my father as such.)

Me: I'd say get him season 2, but you probably have no memory of the show. I was really little when we watched reruns together.

Sister: Yeah, I've never heard of it.

Me: I think Anthony was a baby, that means you didn't exist yet.

Sister: Thank you for making me feel inadequately young.

[Suu]

Last night:

2 newbs in front of me: "So like, are these guys Satanic?"

Me: "Um. NO."

Newbs: "But I thought goth bands were all like, dark and stuff."

Me: "VNV are obvious Irish Catholics. They put God and guilt in every other song."

Newb 1: "But they swear!"

Me: "You obviously missed where I said 'Irish'."