Quotes of the Moment II

[Telarus]

AFP: Neil! This is the guy who's hosting the Norwegian House Party!
NG: I know, darling. How many bearded Norwegians with banjoleles are there?

[Juana]

A friend of mine is MSTing that awful fanfic-with-the-serial-numbers-filed-off Fifty Shades of Gray:

"Sorry girl, but if some scrub was all wanting to put his fist in my butthole, I'd be expecting some MAD skrilla out of the deal. I'm talking nice clothes, nice dinners, nice bling, maybe a nice car. You don't go fisting my butthole without paying for it, son."

[Bu🤠ns]

This shit killed me today.  Ever get one of those 'wrong number text messages?  This person texted me four times with the phrase, "Can u hangout today?" Here's what transpired...

Texter: Can u hangout today?
Texter: Can u hangout today?
Texter: Can u hangout today?
Texter: Can u hangout today?
Me: Who is this
Texter: Who is this?
Me: You texted me 5 times asking to hang out so u first
Texter: No I didnt, you must have the wrong number
Me: Just replying to your initial text...but no matter...im pretty busy this week anyway :P
Texter: I hav no idea who u r anyways
Me: Thats too bad...im pretty awesome
Texter: Then y dont u tell me who u r
Me: Cuz im the goddman batman
Texter: No I didnt, you must have the wrong number (this is a repeat...again...apparently this person has no idea how to cell phone)
Texter: Well to bad thats a lie who ever u r
Me: I wear a mask. And that mask, its not to hide who I am, but to create what I am.
Texter: Yur a weirdo
Me: Sometimes it's only madness that makes us what we are.
Texter: R u a dude?
Me: It's because of people like u that I become this. And you'll never give me a reason to become someone else.
Texter: Well just shut up dude

[Triple Zero]

This is why we have to hack the mobile phone network and connect random numbers for texting.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

This shit killed me today.  Ever get one of those 'wrong number text messages?  This person texted me four times with the phrase, "Can u hangout today?" Here's what transpired...

Texter: Can u hangout today?
Texter: Can u hangout today?
Texter: Can u hangout today?
Texter: Can u hangout today?
Me: Who is this
Texter: Who is this?
Me: You texted me 5 times asking to hang out so u first
Texter: No I didnt, you must have the wrong number
Me: Just replying to your initial text...but no matter...im pretty busy this week anyway :P
Texter: I hav no idea who u r anyways
Me: Thats too bad...im pretty awesome
Texter: Then y dont u tell me who u r
Me: Cuz im the goddman batman
Texter: No I didnt, you must have the wrong number (this is a repeat...again...apparently this person has no idea how to cell phone)
Texter: Well to bad thats a lie who ever u r
Me: I wear a mask. And that mask, its not to hide who I am, but to create what I am.
Texter: Yur a weirdo
Me: Sometimes it's only madness that makes us what we are.
Texter: R u a dude?
Me: It's because of people like u that I become this. And you'll never give me a reason to become someone else.
Texter: Well just shut up dude

This sort of thing actually happened to me with someone who (based on google's info on area code) was from Mexico. I kept the conversation up.

I ended up asking him what he does for fun. He said playing soccer. He asked me the same. I said playing guitar and drinking beer. He approved.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

EFO: "I am pretty sure that 90% of her personality is butts".

[Nephew Twiddleton]

EFO: "I am pretty sure that 90% of her personality is butts".

I'm presuming her posterior posteriorated quite a bit, whoever she was? Or is she preoccupied with butts?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

EFO: "I am pretty sure that 90% of her personality is butts".

I'm presuming her posterior posteriorated quite a bit, whoever she was? Or is she preoccupied with butts?

I think the latter.

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

AFP: Neil! This is the guy who's hosting the Norwegian House Party!
NG: I know, darling. How many bearded Norwegians with banjoleles are there?

I AM SO FUCKING JEALOUS. If is possible can you get their autographs and post them to me? I will love you forever!

[EK WAFFLR]

AFP: Neil! This is the guy who's hosting the Norwegian House Party!
NG: I know, darling. How many bearded Norwegians with banjoleles are there?

I AM SO FUCKING JEALOUS. If is possible can you get their autographs and post them to me? I will love you forever!

Of course! Anything special you want autographed?

[Cain]

Iggy Pop

Q: Has your relationship with your penis changed?

A: I would characterize it sort of like a powerful interest group within a political party at this point. It used to be the entire political party.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/01/magazine/iggy-pop-isnt-ready-to-give-up-the-carnal-life.html?_r=1&smid=fb-share

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

AFP: Neil! This is the guy who's hosting the Norwegian House Party!
NG: I know, darling. How many bearded Norwegians with banjoleles are there?

I AM SO FUCKING JEALOUS. If is possible can you get their autographs and post them to me? I will love you forever!

Of course! Anything special you want autographed?

Just something sturdy I can have laminated or frame. Or something with either Death or Delirium on it.

[EK WAFFLR]

AFP: Neil! This is the guy who's hosting the Norwegian House Party!
NG: I know, darling. How many bearded Norwegians with banjoleles are there?

I AM SO FUCKING JEALOUS. If is possible can you get their autographs and post them to me? I will love you forever!

Of course! Anything special you want autographed?

Just something sturdy I can have laminated or frame. Or something with either Death or Delirium on it.

Not a problem at all.

Now for some gold from my band's american "Manager":

R: so what's the ideas for the new project?
Me: To Dance While the Sky Crashes Down. haha
R: to ride the 93rd current from the deep of dead r'yleh?
Me: Something like that yes. Just add glitter.
R: ...you made a surfboard out of Edward Cullen?!

[Telarus]

 

[Suu]

Another round of "Texts with Richter"


Richter: Saw your calls from last night, what's up?

Me: Nothing serious. Had a drunk panic about keys and had to pee. I peed in a bush like a boss and Navyguy found my keys.

Richter: Wow, bummer. The bushes know who the baws is now, though.

Me: I feel all manly.

Richter: Your honorary man card and brass starter cajones will be in the mail.

Me: Thank you sir.


Last week:

Me: *sending Richter copious amounts of horrible ancient art and books relating to thus via picture message*

Richter: Ok, where is this temple of cool shit you have found? It's like the inside of my brain minus boobs.

Me: The MFA. [Museum of Fine Arts, Boston.]


Me: As my Holy Man, you need to stop the rain from coming.

Richter: All available Holy is going into keeping me from yarking until whatever pestilent bolus of black fuckery I ate has finally cleared my waffling colon.

Me: I'm assuming you're not coming to fencing practice tonight.