Quotes of the Moment II

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Earth: Hey, aliens!
Aliens: Hey, Earth, what's up? What do you do for fun? How advanced are your physics? What's your biology like? How is your society structured?
Earth: Hey, aliens! We're humans! Are you out there?
Aliens: Yes. Hey, Earth, how are you?
Earth: Hey, aliens! Are you out there? Anyone home?
Aliens: Yes. Hi.
Earth: Yoooohooooo, any aliens out there?
Aliens: Yeah, douchebag, over here. Right. Fucking. Here.
Earth: Hey, aliens, hit us up, we want to meet you!
Aliens: Planet of fucking porn site bots.

This made my night.  Which is saying something, on account of I'm sick as a dog.

That makes me gladder for saying it. Feel better!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Earth: Hey, aliens!
Aliens: Hey, Earth, what's up? What do you do for fun? How advanced are your physics? What's your biology like? How is your society structured?
Earth: Hey, aliens! We're humans! Are you out there?
Aliens: Yes. Hey, Earth, how are you?
Earth: Hey, aliens! Are you out there? Anyone home?
Aliens: Yes. Hi.
Earth: Yoooohooooo, any aliens out there?
Aliens: Yeah, douchebag, over here. Right. Fucking. Here.
Earth: Hey, aliens, hit us up, we want to meet you!
Aliens: Planet of fucking porn site bots.

This made my night.  Which is saying something, on account of I'm sick as a dog.

First they make you go to work on Father's Day, and now you're sick? Again?

SUE.

[Luna]

"I feel the need to do SCIENCE!  Here, sit here."

[UB]

"I feel the need to do SCIENCE!  Here, sit here."

*giggling*

"Hold still, damn it...."

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Classmate: Keven, could you send me southern bolt prelab #2 I didn't find the answer please?
Me: Yeah gimme a couple of min. COuld you also send me your lab report on micro and pcr?
C: Sure
M: Short answer to two is that there are other, non-radioactive methods to probe, and we are students. The method works just as well and inexperienced students need not expose themselves to radioactivity.
M: Just consider how attractive Asian girl spilled hydrocholoric acid on Wednesday while wearing inappropriate summer dress. We will fuck up.
C: Lol.
M: Her attractiveness is irrelevant, it was just something I noticed. The summer dress is relevant. It is not lab appropriate.
C: Is that #2 answer?
C: Just sent pcr.
M: You need not mention the summer dress, but that's the spirit behind it. We can do it just as well with minimal health risk. Radioactivity is nothing to play with.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Classmate: Keven, could you send me southern bolt prelab #2 I didn't find the answer please?
Me: Yeah gimme a couple of min. COuld you also send me your lab report on micro and pcr?
C: Sure
M: Short answer to two is that there are other, non-radioactive methods to probe, and we are students. The method works just as well and inexperienced students need not expose themselves to radioactivity.
M: Just consider how attractive Asian girl spilled hydrocholoric acid on Wednesday while wearing inappropriate summer dress. We will fuck up.
C: Lol.
M: Her attractiveness is irrelevant, it was just something I noticed. The summer dress is relevant. It is not lab appropriate.
C: Is that #2 answer?
C: Just sent pcr.
M: You need not mention the summer dress, but that's the spirit behind it. We can do it just as well with minimal health risk. Radioactivity is nothing to play with.

lol

c: What did you get on exam?
m: Ugh... let's just say I need to hit the books hard.

[Suu]

Husband: You got me in trouble at work.

Me: FUCK, what did I do?!

Husband: Well, not really, it's just that all the wives hate you now. However, all the guys like you, so therefore, all the wives hate me.

Me: Wait, what?

Husband: Well I guess after the dinner last week when you told off Chief after he made that douchey comment about your tattoos, and then proceeded to spend the entire time talking with Master Chief about soccer and practically commentating that World Cup game, the guys think you belong on some sort of pedestal, and are now telling their wives that you're basically cooler than they are. Smith even came up to me today and went, "Dude, I wish my wife had Star Wars tattoos and knew beer like yours does. All mine ever does is talk about this pair of shoes she's obsessed with and begs for babies."

Me: Um, sorry not sorry? They picked apples and you got a pear, they shouldn't even say a fucking thing.

Husband: Just saying, you're supposed to be networking with these ladies so when I'm deployed you can help each other out, and I'm apparently blowing it by having a hotter wife than the other guys. So be careful when you actually meet some of the others. Especially at a softball game.

Me: I LOVE BEING THE SUPER VILLAIN! YES. QUICK! I NEED A MUSTACHE I CAN TWIRL! What are we? Fucking 12?

Husband: Welcome to the Navy.

Me:*loud* I AM INVINCIBLE!

*in the background of the phone* "Is that your wife that just said that? I LOVE YOUR WIFE! HI SUU!"

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

Husband: You got me in trouble at work.

Me: FUCK, what did I do?!

Husband: Well, not really, it's just that all the wives hate you now. However, all the guys like you, so therefore, all the wives hate me.

Me: Wait, what?

Husband: Well I guess after the dinner last week when you told off Chief after he made that douchey comment about your tattoos, and then proceeded to spend the entire time talking with Master Chief about soccer and practically commentating that World Cup game, the guys think you belong on some sort of pedestal, and are now telling their wives that you're basically cooler than they are. Smith even came up to me today and went, "Dude, I wish my wife had Star Wars tattoos and knew beer like yours does. All mine ever does is talk about this pair of shoes she's obsessed with and begs for babies."

Me: Um, sorry not sorry? They picked apples and you got a pear, they shouldn't even say a fucking thing.

Husband: Just saying, you're supposed to be networking with these ladies so when I'm deployed you can help each other out, and I'm apparently blowing it by having a hotter wife than the other guys. So be careful when you actually meet some of the others. Especially at a softball game.

Me: I LOVE BEING THE SUPER VILLAIN! YES. QUICK! I NEED A MUSTACHE I CAN TWIRL! What are we? Fucking 12?

Husband: Welcome to the Navy.

Me:*loud* I AM INVINCIBLE!

*in the background of the phone* "Is that your wife that just said that? I LOVE YOUR WIFE! HI SUU!"

You accidentally'd the whole wives.

[Suu]

Husband: You got me in trouble at work.

Me: FUCK, what did I do?!

Husband: Well, not really, it's just that all the wives hate you now. However, all the guys like you, so therefore, all the wives hate me.

Me: Wait, what?

Husband: Well I guess after the dinner last week when you told off Chief after he made that douchey comment about your tattoos, and then proceeded to spend the entire time talking with Master Chief about soccer and practically commentating that World Cup game, the guys think you belong on some sort of pedestal, and are now telling their wives that you're basically cooler than they are. Smith even came up to me today and went, "Dude, I wish my wife had Star Wars tattoos and knew beer like yours does. All mine ever does is talk about this pair of shoes she's obsessed with and begs for babies."

Me: Um, sorry not sorry? They picked apples and you got a pear, they shouldn't even say a fucking thing.

Husband: Just saying, you're supposed to be networking with these ladies so when I'm deployed you can help each other out, and I'm apparently blowing it by having a hotter wife than the other guys. So be careful when you actually meet some of the others. Especially at a softball game.

Me: I LOVE BEING THE SUPER VILLAIN! YES. QUICK! I NEED A MUSTACHE I CAN TWIRL! What are we? Fucking 12?

Husband: Welcome to the Navy.

Me:*loud* I AM INVINCIBLE!

*in the background of the phone* "Is that your wife that just said that? I LOVE YOUR WIFE! HI SUU!"

You accidentally'd the whole wives.

Navy Wives are a special breed of wife. Since I started dating him, I've gotten warnings. I've gotten warnings from other wives. The wife across the hall, who I refer to as Katniss Everdeen, has the same effect on them as I do, because she shoots things with a bow and arrow for food. You have the ones like me and Katniss, the kind that keep to ourselves and show up in a dress for functions only when we REALLY HAVE TO, and then you have the Stepford Navy Wives that spend all their husbands' money, pop out babies to get more Navy money, don't work, talk about shoes and purses and then turn around and become WestPac Widows the minute they're husband is out to sea and turn into raging balls of hate the minute another wife shows up that is apparently cool to the guys, because we're somehow competition. I never understood that level of shallowness. We're all married, we're all adults, just because I can talk about comic books to your husband doesn't mean I'm trying to GET IN HIS CRACKER JACKS.

[LMNO]

You two need to form a band.

[Raz Tech]

Husband: You got me in trouble at work.

Me: FUCK, what did I do?!

Husband: Well, not really, it's just that all the wives hate you now. However, all the guys like you, so therefore, all the wives hate me.

Me: Wait, what?

Husband: Well I guess after the dinner last week when you told off Chief after he made that douchey comment about your tattoos, and then proceeded to spend the entire time talking with Master Chief about soccer and practically commentating that World Cup game, the guys think you belong on some sort of pedestal, and are now telling their wives that you're basically cooler than they are. Smith even came up to me today and went, "Dude, I wish my wife had Star Wars tattoos and knew beer like yours does. All mine ever does is talk about this pair of shoes she's obsessed with and begs for babies."

Me: Um, sorry not sorry? They picked apples and you got a pear, they shouldn't even say a fucking thing.

Husband: Just saying, you're supposed to be networking with these ladies so when I'm deployed you can help each other out, and I'm apparently blowing it by having a hotter wife than the other guys. So be careful when you actually meet some of the others. Especially at a softball game.

Me: I LOVE BEING THE SUPER VILLAIN! YES. QUICK! I NEED A MUSTACHE I CAN TWIRL! What are we? Fucking 12?

Husband: Welcome to the Navy.

Me:*loud* I AM INVINCIBLE!

*in the background of the phone* "Is that your wife that just said that? I LOVE YOUR WIFE! HI SUU!"

You accidentally'd the whole wives.

Navy Wives are a special breed of wife. Since I started dating him, I've gotten warnings. I've gotten warnings from other wives. The wife across the hall, who I refer to as Katniss Everdeen, has the same effect on them as I do, because she shoots things with a bow and arrow for food. You have the ones like me and Katniss, the kind that keep to ourselves and show up in a dress for functions only when we REALLY HAVE TO, and then you have the Stepford Navy Wives that spend all their husbands' money, pop out babies to get more Navy money, don't work, talk about shoes and purses and then turn around and become WestPac Widows the minute they're husband is out to sea and turn into raging balls of hate the minute another wife shows up that is apparently cool to the guys, because we're somehow competition. I never understood that level of shallowness. We're all married, we're all adults, just because I can talk about comic books to your husband doesn't mean I'm trying to GET IN HIS CRACKER JACKS.

My favorite Navy wives are the ones who think they're privileged because their husbands are in the military.
Relevant story:

Walking out of the commisary, carrying my son (~1 at the time) and a few bags of groceries, I'm about to pass a lady who is trying to juggle some grocery bags and open her trunk at the same time and it's not working out.  One of the bags falls or rips or something and some food goes all over the place.  Normally I'd help her out, but my son was all restless and I was juggling my own groceries.  She looks over at me and says
"Hey, aren't you going to come help me with this?"
As sincere as I can, since I feel a bit bad about it, I say "I'm sorry miss, I don't have enough hands for it."
This makes her freak out, stand up and say "Hey, my husband is an Ensign and if he were here he would order you to come over here and help me clean this up so you better come over here and help me now."
At this point I'm starting to put my groceries into my car, and under normal circumstances, I would have gone to help her.  These weren't normal circumstances though, this lady was being a bitch.  By the time I finish getting my son all clipped in and stuff, she's done picking everything up and has returned to confront me again.
"My husband is going to be so mad when he hears about this, he's going to get you in so much trouble.  He's an officer and he wouldn't like this."
"Look lady, I don't even listen to most ensigns on account of them being retarded, so go ahead and tell your husband whatever you want, I'm leaving."
She demanded my name and rank and all that stuff, and took down my license plate number.  I even told her the truth, just because I was positive nothing bad would happen.  Then I finally got in my car and drove away.  Shockingly, nothing ever came of it.
The worst part is that there are so many more stories like this.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Husband: You got me in trouble at work.

Me: FUCK, what did I do?!

Husband: Well, not really, it's just that all the wives hate you now. However, all the guys like you, so therefore, all the wives hate me.

Me: Wait, what?

Husband: Well I guess after the dinner last week when you told off Chief after he made that douchey comment about your tattoos, and then proceeded to spend the entire time talking with Master Chief about soccer and practically commentating that World Cup game, the guys think you belong on some sort of pedestal, and are now telling their wives that you're basically cooler than they are. Smith even came up to me today and went, "Dude, I wish my wife had Star Wars tattoos and knew beer like yours does. All mine ever does is talk about this pair of shoes she's obsessed with and begs for babies."

Me: Um, sorry not sorry? They picked apples and you got a pear, they shouldn't even say a fucking thing.

Husband: Just saying, you're supposed to be networking with these ladies so when I'm deployed you can help each other out, and I'm apparently blowing it by having a hotter wife than the other guys. So be careful when you actually meet some of the others. Especially at a softball game.

Me: I LOVE BEING THE SUPER VILLAIN! YES. QUICK! I NEED A MUSTACHE I CAN TWIRL! What are we? Fucking 12?

Husband: Welcome to the Navy.

Me:*loud* I AM INVINCIBLE!

*in the background of the phone* "Is that your wife that just said that? I LOVE YOUR WIFE! HI SUU!"

You accidentally'd the whole wives.

Navy Wives are a special breed of wife. Since I started dating him, I've gotten warnings. I've gotten warnings from other wives. The wife across the hall, who I refer to as Katniss Everdeen, has the same effect on them as I do, because she shoots things with a bow and arrow for food. You have the ones like me and Katniss, the kind that keep to ourselves and show up in a dress for functions only when we REALLY HAVE TO, and then you have the Stepford Navy Wives that spend all their husbands' money, pop out babies to get more Navy money, don't work, talk about shoes and purses and then turn around and become WestPac Widows the minute they're husband is out to sea and turn into raging balls of hate the minute another wife shows up that is apparently cool to the guys, because we're somehow competition. I never understood that level of shallowness. We're all married, we're all adults, just because I can talk about comic books to your husband doesn't mean I'm trying to GET IN HIS CRACKER JACKS.

No comment.

[Suu]

Husband: You got me in trouble at work.

Me: FUCK, what did I do?!

Husband: Well, not really, it's just that all the wives hate you now. However, all the guys like you, so therefore, all the wives hate me.

Me: Wait, what?

Husband: Well I guess after the dinner last week when you told off Chief after he made that douchey comment about your tattoos, and then proceeded to spend the entire time talking with Master Chief about soccer and practically commentating that World Cup game, the guys think you belong on some sort of pedestal, and are now telling their wives that you're basically cooler than they are. Smith even came up to me today and went, "Dude, I wish my wife had Star Wars tattoos and knew beer like yours does. All mine ever does is talk about this pair of shoes she's obsessed with and begs for babies."

Me: Um, sorry not sorry? They picked apples and you got a pear, they shouldn't even say a fucking thing.

Husband: Just saying, you're supposed to be networking with these ladies so when I'm deployed you can help each other out, and I'm apparently blowing it by having a hotter wife than the other guys. So be careful when you actually meet some of the others. Especially at a softball game.

Me: I LOVE BEING THE SUPER VILLAIN! YES. QUICK! I NEED A MUSTACHE I CAN TWIRL! What are we? Fucking 12?

Husband: Welcome to the Navy.

Me:*loud* I AM INVINCIBLE!

*in the background of the phone* "Is that your wife that just said that? I LOVE YOUR WIFE! HI SUU!"

You accidentally'd the whole wives.

Navy Wives are a special breed of wife. Since I started dating him, I've gotten warnings. I've gotten warnings from other wives. The wife across the hall, who I refer to as Katniss Everdeen, has the same effect on them as I do, because she shoots things with a bow and arrow for food. You have the ones like me and Katniss, the kind that keep to ourselves and show up in a dress for functions only when we REALLY HAVE TO, and then you have the Stepford Navy Wives that spend all their husbands' money, pop out babies to get more Navy money, don't work, talk about shoes and purses and then turn around and become WestPac Widows the minute they're husband is out to sea and turn into raging balls of hate the minute another wife shows up that is apparently cool to the guys, because we're somehow competition. I never understood that level of shallowness. We're all married, we're all adults, just because I can talk about comic books to your husband doesn't mean I'm trying to GET IN HIS CRACKER JACKS.

My favorite Navy wives are the ones who think they're privileged because their husbands are in the military.
Relevant story:

Walking out of the commisary, carrying my son (~1 at the time) and a few bags of groceries, I'm about to pass a lady who is trying to juggle some grocery bags and open her trunk at the same time and it's not working out.  One of the bags falls or rips or something and some food goes all over the place.  Normally I'd help her out, but my son was all restless and I was juggling my own groceries.  She looks over at me and says
"Hey, aren't you going to come help me with this?"
As sincere as I can, since I feel a bit bad about it, I say "I'm sorry miss, I don't have enough hands for it."
This makes her freak out, stand up and say "Hey, my husband is an Ensign and if he were here he would order you to come over here and help me clean this up so you better come over here and help me now."
At this point I'm starting to put my groceries into my car, and under normal circumstances, I would have gone to help her.  These weren't normal circumstances though, this lady was being a bitch.  By the time I finish getting my son all clipped in and stuff, she's done picking everything up and has returned to confront me again.
"My husband is going to be so mad when he hears about this, he's going to get you in so much trouble.  He's an officer and he wouldn't like this."
"Look lady, I don't even listen to most ensigns on account of them being retarded, so go ahead and tell your husband whatever you want, I'm leaving."
She demanded my name and rank and all that stuff, and took down my license plate number.  I even told her the truth, just because I was positive nothing bad would happen.  Then I finally got in my car and drove away.  Shockingly, nothing ever came of it.
The worst part is that there are so many more stories like this.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Me to Daniel: "I'm glad that we're both not John Tesh"

[Reginald Ret]

Why are you still making excuses not to be awesome?

You'll have to ctrl-f that, I am too tired to figure out how to link more precisely, or find out if that is even possible.