And Then, Suu, There's The Women

[Doktor Howl]

A few types for your consideration:

The Fabric Softener Sheet  She clings.  Hauling her off makes a horrible crackling noise, and then you melt the damn doorknob with the static charge on the way out the door.

The Princess  She is convinced that she is worthy of being served on, hand and foot.  There is almost never any basis for this belief, other than her insistence that it is so.  This loses its charm in approximately yesterday.

The Friend Every guy has met one of these.  She hangs out, she talks to you (believe it or not, many of us value that), she listens.  What she won't do is date you, and acts surprised when you bring it up, despite the fact that you've walked around with your dick nailed to your forehead for the last 3 months.  Then women wonder why we go straight for the action.  It's usually the only working strategy.

The Emotional Rollercoaster  If you don't like the mood she's in, wait 10 minutes.  When she's manic, EVERYTHING is funny, but when she's down, NOTHING YOU DO can be right.  Then, when you finally tire of it and walk out the door, you're the fucking anti-Christ.

The Fatal Attraction  She called this morning, she calls every morning, just to say hello and tell you she loves you.  Trouble is, you broke up with her in 2003.

The Hyper-Liberated Woman  She uses you the way you use women.  Oh, the whore!  She said I was the one!

The Sucker  Guys talk, she listens.  She also, unfortunately, believes them.

The Idiot  Birth control?  What's that?  Oh, you had a vasectomy?  Okay!

The Doormat  She accommodates in all ways, puts her man ahead of her in all things, and then wonders why he leaves (PROTIP:  Either he is a shit who was gonna leave anyway, or he's wondering where the girl he met went.).

The Drunk  Baaaaahaaaaaa hurp hab anodder shawt!  Haaa heeeee cough puke fuck got vomit in ma hair hey where ya goin?

The Perfect Woman  No drama, a sense of humor, a sense of what the other person in the relationship wants (without being a doormat), doesn't put the man on a pedastle, and has stopped looking for the coolest kid in school (hopefully by age 30 or so), isn't already married.  Guys, if you haven't met her yet, you will when you're 35.

More later.

[Phox]

A few types for your consideration:

The Fabric Softener Sheet  She clings.  Hauling her off makes a horrible crackling noise, and then you melt the damn doorknob with the static charge on the way out the door.

The Princess  She is convinced that she is worthy of being served on, hand and foot.  There is almost never any basis for this belief, other than her insistence that it is so.  This loses its charm in approximately yesterday.

The Friend Every guy has met one of these.  She hangs out, she talks to you (believe it or not, many of us value that), she listens.  What she won't do is date you, and acts surprised when you bring it up, despite the fact that you've walked around with your dick nailed to your forehead for the last 3 months.  Then women wonder why we go straight for the action.  It's usually the only working strategy.

The Emotional Rollercoaster  If you don't like the mood she's in, wait 10 minutes.  When she's manic, EVERYTHING is funny, but when she's down, NOTHING YOU DO can be right.  Then, when you finally tire of it and walk out the door, you're the fucking anti-Christ.

The Fatal Attraction  She called this morning, she calls every morning, just to say hello and tell you she loves you.  Trouble is, you broke up with her in 2003.

The Hyper-Liberated Woman  She uses you the way you use women.  Oh, the whore!  She said I was the one!

The Sucker  Guys talk, she listens.  She also, unfortunately, believes them.

The Idiot  Birth control?  What's that?  Oh, you had a vasectomy?  Okay!

The Doormat  She accommodates in all ways, puts her man ahead of her in all things, and then wonders why he leaves (PROTIP:  Either he is a shit who was gonna leave anyway, or he's wondering where the girl he met went.).

The Drunk  Baaaaahaaaaaa hurp hab anodder shawt!  Haaa heeeee cough puke fuck got vomit in ma hair hey where ya goin?

The Perfect Woman  No drama, a sense of humor, a sense of what the other person in the relationship wants (without being a doormat), doesn't put the man on a pedastle, and has stopped looking for the coolest kid in school (hopefully by age 30 or so), isn't already married.  Guys, if you haven't met her yet, you will when you're 35.

More later.

Fuck yes. Dok wins another.

[Doktor Howl]

Funny thing:  They say females mature faster than guys.  This is utter shit.  Most women take until their 30s to figure out that the things that made a boyfriend desirable in high school do not make them desirable 10 or 20 years later.  In fact, the very things that indicate that a guy would make them happy place that guy firmly in the "friend" category.  There's no cure for this shit except time and painful experience.  You can see women like these a mile away because:

1.  Their average relationship lasts less than a year.  The first 95% of the relationship is one long litany about what a GREAT GUY he is.  The last 5% is a never-ending list of bitches and gripes, when she finally figures out that he has feet of clay, no job, and no future.

2.  They swear off men forever.  Or until next Tuesday.  Whichever comes first.

3.  There's ALWAYS some HORRIBLE AND OBVIOUS reason that they should NOT be dating this guy.  Bringing up that reason is like fucking with bigfoot.  All you can do is stand back and try not to get any gore on you.

4.  They actively attempt to sabotage the relationships or potential relationships of everyone around them, claiming that the SO or potential SO "doesn't measure up" for one reason or another.  Sometimes they're fucking sneaky arse biscuits about it, too.  One day, you're doing great with your new girl, the next she won't return your call.  Seems your "friend" made a call to your girl and "warned" her.  Girl talk, you know?  Just trying to "prevent disaster".  This translates out to "that relationship isn't about me, so it has to go."

Guys sometimes pretend they're still in high school, too.  The 40 year old who tries to score with the 18 year old, for example.  He thinks the guys around him admire him if he succeeds...But they don't.  They're fucking embarrassed to know him, and they kinda smile while he brags, but they never get around to inviting him to the next guys' night out.  You can spot these sad specimens by the following tells:

1.  They drive a red Miata.

2.  They dress like they're in senior year or, alternatively, like they're the BMOC in college.

3.  Bad comb-over.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

This is fucking genius. Should be required reading for everyone.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Hrmmm....


This makes me happy to be in a stable relationship and the the fact that Villager is perfectly matched for me personality wise.

The Friend hits a little close to home for past Twid. Especially when you hear from a male friend, "she thinks you're cute, but your personality is a bit too weird for her. And maybe you should cut you hair too."

Twid,
Happy with dating his bassist

[Suu]

Once again, Dok breaks it all down to make sense.

Thanks, Doktor!

[The Wizard Joseph]

  

[Adios]

Humph. I married my best friend, best thing I have ever done.

She also get X1000 bonus points for being a good ol' girl.

[Kai]

  In fact, the very things that indicate that a guy would make them happy place that guy firmly in the "friend" category.  There's no cure for this shit except time and painful experience.

These two sentences are gold. "No, you're my best friend. I could /never ever/ think of you like that [despite the fact you are the most compatible person around for me and the idea of sexing you makes me secretly horny, which of course is suppressed in self deception]."

Seriously, best friends make the most compatible partners. Relationships fail because there's no bond outside of the fucking and hand holding.

[Suu]

One of the biggest regrets I have still is not dating my best friend in high school.

Sure, he calls me 11 years later drunk off his ass and looking for phone sex but... What would it be like now if I had given him that shot? Granted, I was 17 and stupid, and it's not like I've made smart decisions about dating since then (actually, yes, I have, and those guys are still awesome and I'm still on awesome terms with all of them, they're still all in Florida.)

[Laughin Jude]

The friend thing is just so goddamn true. Sometimes the "good ones" you never seem to be able to find are the guys who are trying to get to know you better as a person before trying to get in your pants, ladies.

[Da6s]

A few types for your consideration:


The Drunk  Baaaaahaaaaaa hurp hab anodder shawt!  Haaa heeeee cough puke fuck got vomit in ma hair hey where ya goin?

 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

The friend thing is just so goddamn true. Sometimes the "good ones" you never seem to be able to find are the guys who are trying to get to know you better as a person before trying to get in your pants, ladies.

On the flip side, I've had a few guys pretend to want to be my friend only to dump me when I wasn't interested in having sex with them. That really hurt my feelings and made me more suspicious, in a way that still kind of stings to this day. I really liked them as people and believed they really liked me as a person, so when it turned out that wasn't the case it threw me for a loop, hard.

You can't just manufacture an attraction where there is none.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

However, I will say that hasn't happened for many years, so my judgement and ability to sense when people are sincere has probably significantly improved since my 20's-early 30's.

[Bu🤠ns]

dok...i've dated most of them ...cept the drunk and a couple others.  Ive met the perfect woman but i still cant admit it to myself..

The friend though, Im convinced, is merely just due to a fellow who can't seem to close.  Sometimes she just waiting for that bold move.  Any time I've "The Friend" was due to my inability to read her or a certain lack of effort on my own part