Rape

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I'm fucking fed up with it. What do we have to do, as a society, to end this bullshit?

One of the things that pisses me off is how much of a taboo is built around it. It makes people SO FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. I'm increasingly aware that the phrase "It's best to put it behind you" is code for "What happened to you makes me uncomfortable and I don't want to think about it". It has nothing to do with healing, or growth, or moving forward; it's entirely about the mental convenience of other people. Don't talk about it. For the love of god, if you must talk about it, be vague, speak in the third person, and don't give specifics of your own experience. It makes them cringe. Your pain makes them cringe. Their cringing is half the reason for your pain.

People convince themselves that there are rules of behavior for avoiding being raped, so that they can be filled with the smug complacency of "it won't happen to me". It's like pretending that the tsunami in Japan occurred because they prayed to the wrong gods; it gives people a sense of security and control. But, it's a false sense of security and control. Sometimes there are things you could have done differently (listen to your foreboding when the man follows you outside, and go back inside until he's gone) and sometimes there aren't (you couldn't have known he slipped into your apartment while you were taking the garbage out) but all the rest of it... pretending that it has to do with low-cut tops, short skirts, talking to strange men, walking alone at night, or being alone in bars... that's all wishful thinking designed to assuage our own discomfort with the idea that there are human predators out there choosing who to rape on the basis of the probability that they can get away with it. It's convenient to ignore statistics that show that most rapes happen either in the woman's home, or the home of the rapist. Dark alleyways? Not so much. It's convenient to ignore statistics that show that most rape victims are raped by someone they know. A friend of a friend, in a situation they had no reason to distrust.

One of the pieces of advice that's commonly given women is that to avoid being raped, they should vary their routine. That is to say, to not leave the house at the same time every day, or take the same route, or return home at the same time every day.

So that pretty much rules out having a job. Or even taking the kids to school.

There is virtually no punishment for rape in America. Most rapes are not reported and those few that are reported are rarely successfully prosecuted. The rapist gets a second chance, but the victim does not. The victim takes the blame for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Worse yet are the consequences to her personal and romantic life; not only are the emotional damages staggering, such that she may start pushing away people that she loves and whose support she craves, but also the fear around rape is so profound that, without even knowing it, often husbands or lovers will distance themselves. Suddenly they simply don't have the desire they once had, or they've decided they just want something different from their lives.

What they want is a woman who hasn't been shadowed by the touch of fear, by the frightening taboo, but they could never recognize, let alone voice that. So, guilt-ridden, they come up with excuses for why they leave. Excuses that are usually not hard to find, as, flailing in her confusion and pain, she is not the easiest person to live with. And then she is left alone with it, wondering how to start over.

Just one more way rape is the gift that keeps on giving.

[Freeky]

Very

[Eve Hill]

  Fuck yeah!

[Cuddlefish]

I am by no means an expert on the topic (in all honesty, I have no experience on the topic. If I'm way off, set me straight.) but I'm currently lead to beleive that part of this issue is caused by a combination of attitudes comprising our cultural climate. For one, there is the puritanical attitude towards sex/sexuality anywhere outside advertising media within our american cultural sphere. People are constantly told to abolish all "impure" sexual thoughts because it's "evil" or "wrong," but then those same people get bombarded by images of a sexual nature everywhere they look: TV, internet, billboards, etc.. The insinuation that thoughts/feelings of a sexual nature are negative things can lead people to make the association that sex=evil, I, secretly, really like sex, therefore I=evil. If someone, even wrongly, assumes that for some reason they are a bad person it can start a self-fulfilling prophecy. Also, the advertising images in combination with the taboo leads to a general de-personalization of people in sexual contexts, making the association between "sex" and "product," as opposed to a connection between two people.

It's no doubt a complicated issue, but I feel that, like a lot of other issues, it is exacerbated by fundamentalist religious groups/beleifs and advertising media sending out information that directly conflicts each other, not to mention reality.

But, I whole-heartedly agree that this is a difficult thing to begin to discuss. Hell, I haven't even used the word "rape" till just now...

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I think that in particular, the male aversion to the subject of rape is rooted in fear. Fear of being like a rapist, fear of their own sexuality as a male, fear of becoming involuntarily aroused by the thought of rape (many perfectly normal men do), fear of what that means, fear of having something in common with the rapist. So they run away and avoid the subject.

[Cuddlefish]

I think that in particular, the male aversion to the subject of rape is rooted in fear. Fear of being like a rapist, fear of their own sexuality as a male, fear of becoming involuntarily aroused by the thought of rape (many perfectly normal men do), fear of what that means, fear of having something in common with the rapist. So they run away and avoid the subject.

I agree. And I suppose that's part of the problem. Fear prevents discourse, which can be a huge preventative measure, I would imagine. In your opinion, what constitutes a healthy discourse about rape?

[P3nT4gR4m]

Men are monsters. Or, at least, a part of them is. Most if not all men I expect but I don't got the statistics to back that up. Thing is a lot of men (the majority I'd like to think) have control over this monster. Some don't or some lose it for whatever reason, alcohol, obsession, moment of weakness. When that monster gets loose that's when it happens. I wish I had a solution or something, cos it's bang out of order but I got nothing other than my sympathy for someone who is on the receiving end of shit that I can't really understand, can't really relate to on any level other than it sounds like a really shit thing to go through. Generally more emotionally damaging than physically, as far as I've heard. I can relate to emotional and mental damage. To have something like that inflicted on me by some fuckhead? Yeah I can see how that could really fuck me up worse than a car crash or some other kind of physical crap.

I dunno about the statistics for the how's and when's and why's but I expect the situations vary from the one-off, drunken grope turning into "what the fuck do you mean no?" to the serial stalker doing all the sneaky cat burglar shit you see in the movies and all points in between. I despise them for their weakness in letting the monster take control (it's not difficult to keep in check, most of us manage that just fine) or, in some cases, for becoming the monster. For letting it consume them. Fuck those bastards especially.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I think that in particular, the male aversion to the subject of rape is rooted in fear. Fear of being like a rapist, fear of their own sexuality as a male, fear of becoming involuntarily aroused by the thought of rape (many perfectly normal men do), fear of what that means, fear of having something in common with the rapist. So they run away and avoid the subject.

I agree. And I suppose that's part of the problem. Fear prevents discourse, which can be a huge preventative measure, I would imagine. In your opinion, what constitutes a healthy discourse about rape?

A healthy discourse really starts with people just feeling able to talk about it openly without shame and without victim-blaming or shifting the responsibility for preventing rape to women.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Men are monsters. Or, at least, a part of them is. Most if not all men I expect but I don't got the statistics to back that up. Thing is a lot of men (the majority I'd like to think) have control over this monster. Some don't or some lose it for whatever reason, alcohol, obsession, moment of weakness. When that monster gets loose that's when it happens. I wish I had a solution or something, cos it's bang out of order but I got nothing other than my sympathy for someone who is on the receiving end of shit that I can't really understand, can't really relate to on any level other than it sounds like a really shit thing to go through. Generally more emotionally damaging than physically, as far as I've heard. I can relate to emotional and mental damage. To have something like that inflicted on me by some fuckhead? Yeah I can see how that could really fuck me up worse than a car crash or some other kind of physical crap.

I dunno about the statistics for the how's and when's and why's but I expect the situations vary from the one-off, drunken grope turning into "what the fuck do you mean no?" to the serial stalker doing all the sneaky cat burglar shit you see in the movies and all points in between. I despise them for their weakness in letting the monster take control (it's not difficult to keep in check, most of us manage that just fine) or, in some cases, for becoming the monster. For letting it consume them. Fuck those bastards especially.

I disagree completely. I think that one of the damaging stereotypes surrounding rape is that all men are just barely in control of their base instincts, and that therefore by tempting them, women can turn a good man into a rapist. The truth is, most men are not rapists and could not under any normal circumstances be turned into rapists. Most rapes are premeditated and carefully planned, not spontaneous.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Also, oh the irony; I posted this on Facebook and even though at least a couple of hundred people must have seen it by now, NOT ONE COMMENT. Or even a "like". 

I bet if I'd posted an opinion on the latest episode of True Blood, it would have 80 comments by now.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Just posted it on the Crossroads, to see if the users there have any more balls.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Men are monsters. Or, at least, a part of them is. Most if not all men I expect but I don't got the statistics to back that up. Thing is a lot of men (the majority I'd like to think) have control over this monster. Some don't or some lose it for whatever reason, alcohol, obsession, moment of weakness. When that monster gets loose that's when it happens. I wish I had a solution or something, cos it's bang out of order but I got nothing other than my sympathy for someone who is on the receiving end of shit that I can't really understand, can't really relate to on any level other than it sounds like a really shit thing to go through. Generally more emotionally damaging than physically, as far as I've heard. I can relate to emotional and mental damage. To have something like that inflicted on me by some fuckhead? Yeah I can see how that could really fuck me up worse than a car crash or some other kind of physical crap.

I dunno about the statistics for the how's and when's and why's but I expect the situations vary from the one-off, drunken grope turning into "what the fuck do you mean no?" to the serial stalker doing all the sneaky cat burglar shit you see in the movies and all points in between. I despise them for their weakness in letting the monster take control (it's not difficult to keep in check, most of us manage that just fine) or, in some cases, for becoming the monster. For letting it consume them. Fuck those bastards especially.

I disagree completely. I think that one of the damaging stereotypes surrounding rape is that all men are just barely in control of their base instincts, and that therefore by tempting them, women can turn a good man into a rapist. The truth is, most men are not rapists and could not under any normal circumstances be turned into rapists. Most rapes are premeditated and carefully planned, not spontaneous.

I never said "barely in control"

(it's not difficult to keep in check, most of us manage that just fine)

but it's in there. I know that. There's a kinda hunger I get when I see someone attractive to me sexually. It's deep, primal, dark and nasty but it isn't difficult to control in the slightest. It's like all shrivelled up, appendix-like, vestigial. As for most men turning into one, no argument here. AFAIK most men don't. QED. Didn't know about

Most rapes are premeditated and carefully planned, not spontaneous.

That surprised me. I'd always thought of those kind of cases as being like serial killers, kind rare and shit. Consider me educated.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I think that what you may be responding to in yourself is sexual shame, which is the idea that sex is bad and that sexual lust makes you a bad person. Either that or you are actually restraining the urge to rape, which as far as I know from reading psychology books, most men don't have. In which case, good for you for restraining it, but I think you might want to be careful about ascribing the urge to rape as common to all men.

Sexual shame, however, if very common, just due to the rather nasty fact that our society has labeled sex "bad" and "sinful" and that gets driven into most of us from a very early age whether we like it or not.

[Luna]

Thanks, Nigel, good post.

The way the culture and attitudes are about rape, it took me a LONG time to be able to talk about what happened to me.  (If you care, it's posted here, dig for it.)  What brought it up was a combination of factors...  GS (meaning absolutely NO harm whatsoever, and with no idea what he'd done) came up behind me at an SCA event.  I didn't hear him, I'd been drinking, and he (from HIS point of view) affectionately put his arms around me to give me a friendly hug.  From MY point of view, somebody came up behind me and grabbed me.  Flash back twenty years, and stifle the instinct to lay him out flat.

Add in someone at the right place, the right time, and the right comfort level for me to discuss it with shortly afterwards, and I managed to dig the crap I'd buried out and toss some sunlight on it.

[Juana]

People convince themselves that there are rules of behavior for avoiding being raped, so that they can be filled with the smug complacency of "it won't happen to me". It's like pretending that the tsunami in Japan occurred because they prayed to the wrong gods; it gives people a sense of security and control. But, it's a false sense of security and control. Sometimes there are things you could have done differently (listen to your foreboding when the man follows you outside, and go back inside until he's gone) and sometimes there aren't (you couldn't have known he slipped into your apartment while you were taking the garbage out) but all the rest of it... pretending that it has to do with low-cut tops, short skirts, talking to strange men, walking alone at night, or being alone in bars... that's all wishful thinking designed to assuage our own discomfort with the idea that there are human predators out there choosing who to rape on the basis of the probability that they can get away with it. It's convenient to ignore statistics that show that most rapes happen either in the woman's home, or the home of the rapist. Dark alleyways? Not so much. It's convenient to ignore statistics that show that most rape victims are raped by someone they know. A friend of a friend, in a situation they had no reason to distrust.

I have argued this, particularly the bolded part, with more than one man (not picking on men, that's just who I've ended up talking about it with) and it's astounding and infuriating the way it doesn't fucking get through. Rape is not random, as you've pointed out, and yet I hear "you shouldn't be out and about by yourself after dark wearing that sexy jogging suit" or "if you don't do [insert behavior], then you're less likely to be raped" every single time I've argued it with someone. When it's pointed out that they're blaming the victim, they sort of ignore it with a "yeah, well..." and move on.
I don't get it.