Less of a rant, more of a slow, pathetic, agonizing burn.

[navkat]

I have to go to court tomorrow and decide either to put someone who has kids to jail and make him lose his career (he's in a field where a conviction would bar him from employment permanently) or utterly fail to protect my own interests in a situation where i was the victim of some pretty violent acts on his behalf.

This is the second time someone who was supposed to care about me has been horrifyingly violent to me in the past year. I understand that this--all of this--is part of a huge cycle that started when i was four or five and that I'm somehow perpetuating it by placing myself in situations or subconsciously behaving in ways which triggers these incidents.

I have lost two good friends this month and three this year because I'm such a fucking needy mess right now. Last night was the third: a girl I thought was my "twin mess." Apparently, my mess makes me less attractive than hers.

I had a fight with my sister who is caring for my son so I can get through school. I appreciate everything she's done for me but puts me in a state of obligation to her and therefore, I must be willing to keep my mouth firmly shut when she's dishing it out about my life, activities, judgement among other things. Accepting a favor in my family means you are obliged to accept judgement and even make yourself available for stress relief.

I think I'm getting sick again...or rather; I never fully recovered. I've been seriously fatigued but can't sleep. I haven't been able to wake up fully the way I usually do in the mornings: I'm usually pretty chipper despite not being a "morning person," but lately, it takes me a half-hour to clear the cobwebs and I'm still confused in the car on the way in. I don't know if this is me still recovering from the nasty, 3-week bronchitis from last month or if this is indicative of something more sinister. I just don't feel right, you know? We know it's not mono but there's good evidence to suggest that I've developed severe anemia. That's an invasive test I'm not looking forward to taking but I'd like to rule out the possibility of cancer so...

School is the only thing good in my life--which is why I'm still putting up with a lot of personal shit in my house: so as not to rock the boat and lose that. I can't afford to take on a new lease and buy all new shit in AL when the intent is to get the fuck out of here and build life in N.O. I need to just suck it up and try to get through.

I've been going back to "see someone" at the VA as well, but there's a conflict in that I can't disclose too much about the shit I've been taking from others--only be honest about the things that are wrong/warped with me so I have this odd situation where I have to explore a lot of my own unhealthy behaviour and thinking without any context or contributing factors. I must seem a lot more insane than I am.

I have a touch of the ass-burger's. My brother has it way worse than I...sucks for him but at least it's obvious he has a disability. All my clumsy verbal disasters, endless faux pas...this freakish inability to gauge the social temperature in a room--that which is screamingly obvious to others--makes me appear to be pissing people off on purpose. It makes me look like a dumb bitch. I can compose my thoughts and write extremely well but I fuck up in-person social interactions something fierce. I say dumb shit and think to myself "That came out sounding stupid but it's too late now. Now I gotta pay for it." and I do. I keep my mouth shut that it was a mistake because it only looks like you're backpedaling when you try to correct yourself. Then you get to be a moron and a weaselly liar too.

I put myself out there too much with people--I don't know how to be any other way. I don't dislike many people, don't have much of a grudge/anger response to speak of and tend to give people the benefit of the doubt looong after they've proven they're laughing at me for the fact that I don't even make them spit on it first...much less spring for Astroglide. I blame myself for things which aren't my fault. I have knee-jerk response that makes me second-guess myself even when I know I'm right. This was thankfully ingrained by three adults in my life before age 13: I was taught "What you just saw, didn't happen. You are wrong. You are crazy. Your perspective is off and if you keep insisting, you will be beaten. These aren't the droids you're looking for, you twisted, ugly, little girl."

But I still love people. The overall chance of connecting with others and making things in the world a tiny bit better than than they would have been before I die with my dust-speck of influence is important to me. It's worth the risk and inevitability of anguish. Sometimes I feel like life is saying "I said STAY DOWN, bitch!" and people on the sidelines who aren't necessarily enemies are wincing and whispering "Don't get up, stay down! We can't bear it anymore." But I keep on getting up and taking my next beating. I can't help it: people is the only reason to be here. Connection with other sentient human beings is the only thing that really matters when you really think about it. Bettering things for those around you, elevating the people you touch, indulging in multi-sensory pleasure, yes but also making it possible for everyone to have a whack at the same.

Education/shared knowledge.
Liberty.
Indulgence.
Total acceptance/non-judgement.
Making people feel comfortable and worthy in their own skin and inviting them to the party so long as they're not hurting others.

I don't believe in god so this is my religion. You don't need a scary man in the sky to threaten you into being good. DYI, nigga.

I just wish for more reciprocation sometimes...a hand to hold, a few more fucking hugs and smiles, a few less sneers and eye-rolls.

Fucking help me out here, world!

[Phox]

Let me break it to you, kid. You're shit's fucked up.

But that doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong.

You shouldn't stay down. But on the other hand, you need to learn to fight.

[BadBeast]

Absolutely. What Phoxy said. Fuck people. Let them look to their own shit.

Getting back up, doesn't have to mean getting another beatdown. (Although it will happen, that's jus tlife)  You must know that, on some level, or you'd never get back up again.
And there's lots of fucked up people out there, in fact, there's so many of them they are the norm. But what they don't seem to have and you do, is that deeper self awareness.
OK, so it makes you constantly second guess yourself, and that can feel like everything is somehow your fault. Well, guess what? Some of it is your fault. Or at least, in *your* control.
REALISING that is a good thing. (And it's clear that you *do* realise this) If you didn't realise it, it would mean you were just another victim, to be used and abused at the whim of every other fucked up cunt who wants to bolster their own process, by victimising someone else. And you're not.
Your intelligence has lifted you above that. There doesn't seem to be any tendency towards bitterness with you. You've not given up on shit, and you remain (Or seem to remain) an optimist. You've got all the tools you need to get what you want, and you don't seem to mind working at it. You know what you've got to work on  too. That's being focused. 
And you know what? I think you'll be fine.
You may have been battered and bruised by the past, but you're  obviously not broken by it, like some people are. (You know the ones I mean) That's obvious. So pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and get on with your shit.
Your Sister is allowed to be a total bitch if she wants to be. She's your sister. If she didn't want to be there helping you out, she wouldn't be there.
No-one ever said that it was going to be easy. Or that you'll somehow get what you deserve, and things will be all rosy for like, ever. It doesn't work like that. We get what we get in this life. It's what we do with it that counts.  And you are doing your fucking best, with the cards you've got. They might not look like the best hand in the World, but they don't have to be. (However, saying that, you *are* going to have to play them at some point, or they ain't worth shit) So keep your head down, and your eye on the ball, learn how to bluff, and even if you can't win, you don't have to lose, do you? 

[Triple Zero]

Badbeast said it all. I would say it again if it would make twice the impact, but he said it, why to never give up and keep on fighting to improve--the it, the something, you, you're smart enough!

[navkat]

You guys fucking rule supreme. Thanks for the outlet.

I don't think it's possible for me to be jaded--as much as it hurts. If I were gonna burn out and give up, it probably would have happened by now, I assume. Sometimes, it feels like spineless naivete and I kick myself as hard as the world does, but waaaaay down at the bottom, I really dig this about myself.

[navkat]

But yeah, I need to learn how to say I WILL KILL A MOTHERFUCKER.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Phoxy and BadBeast nailed it. Completely. I would only add one more thing, and this is based on the fact that you are more than a little bit like me; you need to do some serious, conscious work on your boundaries.

There aren't a lot of good books on boundaries out there, but it's well worth it for your time and well-being to find and read some. Also to read "The Gift of Fear". A lot of your issues are about inability to recognize or defend boundaries, and part and parcel of that is also crossing other people's boundaries because if you don't have good boundaries of your own, it's almost impossible to recognize them in others.

Another book a recommend is "if this is love, why do I feel so insecure?". It's about attachment styles, and explores the causes of dysfunctional attachments. Unfortunately, the long-term effects of childhood trauma, including being raised by parents with poor boundaries or unhealthy attachment, has not yet been much written about, even though there is now extensive research on the long-term effects of unhealthy childhoods and even later trauma on brain development. Sophisticated brain imaging is still relatively new, but two things have emerged pretty solidly; fucked-up experiences change not only our brain chemistry, but our physical brain structure, especially when they happen in childhood, and also, some or even much of that damage can be physically changed to be closer to a "normal" baseline over time with retraining.

The retraining is, right now, the real puzzle. No one really understands it, and very few are even studying it.

[navkat]

The more I read Badbeast's post, the more I realize it's *exactly* the encouragement I've been starved for...it just came from an unexpected source.

Thank you, humbly. I mean it.

[BadBeast]

The boundaries thing Nigel hit on is so very important, and being able to define them properly is key to our whole ability to live together with others of our species. Whether on a personal relationships level, or as a community dynamic, it affects all our interactions with people, right up to the way governments conduct foreign policy. The same rules apply all across the board. Young Nations, that have sprung up recently because of some War or other, often have a lot of work to do regarding their boundaries. (N&S Korea, most of Africa, Eastern European 'Breakaway' States, & of course, America) That's a major factor in why there are so many little Wars going on around the World. So if we have difficulty seeing where our own lines should be drawn, we have virtually no chance of distinguishing where other people draw theirs. Obviously, there have to be large 'grey areas' where we can safely trespass without violating the comfort zones of those around us, but somewhere or other, there do have to be lines drawn that we can all clearly respect. Mostly, this is done on an unconscious level, and defined by stuff like our body language, and by common denominators like social convention, or manners.
When you consider our behaviour regarding socially acceptable responses to other people's actions, the often baffling area of what constitutes 'good manners' take on a vitally important role.

All those seemingly unimportant, or even trite customary responses we see and use every day, like "Please, "Thank you" or (and this one is crucially important) "Sorry" are the lubricants that allow us to co-exist alongside the rest of the monkeys without ripping each other to bits over simple monkey things like the way we pass each other in the street.

Our modern lifestyle demands that we all have to spend a certain amount of time out of our personal comfort zones. This is an inevitable consequence of communal living, and has huge benefits to us. But we all need our personal comfort zones to be inviolate, and easy for other people to accept as such.
The place to begin working with these , is with the (approximately) nine inches or so around us. Treat this like a Country treats it's borders. To cross,  people need either a passport or other document of consent. And the only legitimate authority to issue those passes is you. Make a conscious decision to notice how other people act when they approach your borders. If they don't seem to recognise your authority here, then either they are lacking some conventional 'social radar' function, or (if it happens a lot, every day) you are not making your borders easily recognisable to others. The former, is largely out of your control. But the latter scenario is entirely tweakable, and only you have the tools to adjust it. Once this crucial fact is recognised, it's one of the simplest things to learn to do.

Even the smallest seeming things affect it. The tilt of your head, the angle of your eyes, the set of your shoulders or the way you walk.
If you walk about every day, shoulders slumped, eyes downcast, then people will not give your borders the respect you need them to. How can they?
It's not their fault if you appear to be a walking free for all zone. Things (like attitudes) will get effortlessly smuggled across.

Other people treat your borders from the outside, according to the way *you* treat them from the inside. The trick is to set them down not only in a clearly recognisable format, but at a level that is proportionate to your own ability to maintain. If you set your personal zone radiating out at, say seven feet, and attempt to go to a bar for a night out, you are not going to enjoy it too much, because people will be constantly crossing this line with impunity, and you won't be able to effectively maintain control over it, because seven feet is not a proportionate zone for social interaction at this level. Set it too close, (say six inches) and you're going to get hit on by every sleazy barfly with a twitch in his dick.

We've established that the zone is adjustable. That's why it works like it does. That's why drugs can be so much fun. (And also why they can be so dangerous) With a drug like E, your border zone includes all the people within a much bigger circle, say a dancefloor, or the corner of a club that has you and your loved up Hippy friends in it.
Where it gets dangerous, especially for girls, is when you don't recognise when a potential predator enters the zone. You should always retain the ability to snap back to your nine inch circle when you need to. And if you lose touch with this mechanism, then you are potentially putting yourself in an extremely vulnerable place. This is mostly fine when you are somewhere among people you know, like a Party or a Bar, it's OK to let your guard down to this extent. But when you are in unfamiliar surroundings, among strangers, and you haven't got your zone defaults set up right, you may as well be wearing a sign on your head saying "Fresh meat".

Every hungry predator (And we are all predatory by nature) will see you as a potential snack. Relying on *their* self control should be (and often is)  enough to get you home safely. But the sad fact is, it often isn't.
Think of yourself like a computer. If you are going to go on the internet, or you're going to allow 'active content' to run, then you need to have your firewall set up. You need to be running some AV Software. And you need to be able to update it when necessary.

Nigel said, "No one really understands it, and very few are even studying it"  but this isn't quite right. We all "understand it" but usually not on a conscious level. We don't need to understand it for the dynamics to work. The fact that very few people are studying it is spot on though. The only people that seem to be studying it are;

A/ Psychologists studying behavioural dynamics.
B/ Predators who need to feed on the weak or vulnerable.  

and the most important group, (at least in this case)
C/ People whose 'default settings' are for some reason not working effectively.

You know which group you fall into here.  And why you need to study it. It's really not a difficult subject, just one that people generally only study by necessity. And I think you do need to study it.
(In fact, that sounds a bit condescending, so I'm sorry. You obviously have been studying it, in order to achieve the level of understanding that you have done)
So onwards and upwards, OK?  I know it helps to get encouragement for a job well done so, erm, . . . . well done.  

ETA; Thanks NavKat, happy to help if I can.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

By "retraining", when I said "No one really understands it, and very few are even studying it", I was specifically referring to the mechanism and process by which the physical damage to the brain caused by neglect and abuse can be reversed, but other than that I agree with your post 100%.

I would also add that one of the most important things you can learn is to not be afraid of "seeming rude". People who have been abused, whether emotionally or physically, tend to be much nicer and more forgiving of transgressive behavior than people who haven't, and this sends the wrong message to people looking to take advantage. This goes all the way to subtle, automatic things like smiling at people you don't really want to approach you, or letting a man sit at your table when you'd really rather he leave you alone. I'm learning that anytime anyone tries to test my initial "no thank you", that is a person who needs to be kicked in the face. If you say "No, that's OK" and they say "Really, I insist" THEY ARE CROSSING YOUR BOUNDARIES, and it is a guarantee that they will continue to do so. That's your cue to put down a harder line, and since they have already disrespected you, you need have no fear of being rude. Likewise with anyone who tries to guilt, wheedle, or strongarm you into anything you've expressed reluctance to do. Learn to recognize that for what it is... a disrespectful pushing of your boundaries... and you will fairly quickly find that kind of people exiting your life, as they go off in search of people who are easier to pressure and manipulate.

Be rude, be a jerk, better yet, laugh in their faces... it doesn't matter as long as you learn to enforce your "no".

[BadBeast]

There's another factor here that is very often overlooked, or dismissed as being irrelevant, mostly because I think it's hard to address without tearing down some of the misconceptions people have about the abuser/victim dynamic. It's the idea that people who trespass or breach someone's boundaries in the way you describe here (Nigel) are doing so from a lack of respect,
or a dismissive attitude, and this is not always as cut and dried as it seems.
People who have had their personal boundaries exploited or broken by adults during an abusive childhood, very often lack the necessary tools or confidence for making effective defences against further transgression. This is a insiduous part of the damage already done, and instrumental in reinforcing patterns that result in the 'victim mentality'. I am a little hesitant to use that term because it's often interpreted as meaning that it's somehow the victim's fault.

Of course that's not what I mean, but quite often, the line that a victim has drawn, isn't distinct enough for others to see clearly. I realise I may be on dangerous ground here, but sometimes, it's not enough to rely on someone else's ability to initially see that you don't want to know. Testing boundaries is a normal part of social interaction, but it's often met with a disproportionate reaction from people who have suffered from someone else's total disregard for what's right and wrong. Most people cannot be expected to realise the traumatic damage someone may have suffered, or are working through, and they're left thinking "What the fuck did I do, or say to upset them"?

OK, so it's only a small thing and they will get over it, and you are right when you say it's OK to be rude, or a jerk, especially when you feel threatened. But the threat felt, is often very little to do with the person who hasn't seen the boundary you've set.  What is patently obvious to you, (And I hope you know I don't mean you personally) isn't necessarily clear to everyone else. Like I say, it's only a small thing when you consider all the damage that abuse can do, but it can leave you with a reputation for being a total bitch, when this isn't actually the case.

Of course, this is infinitely preferable to being a pattern victim of every passing predator, and I'm sorry if I'm not too good at getting my point across, I just felt it was worth mentioning because how you present to others, is quite important for establishing a healthy and maintainable level of self esteem.

Of course, there are many people who are ready to take advantage of a  vulnerable person, and these people need to be knocked back in as robust a way as you can muster. I don't have any sympathy for someone who uses such low and dishonourable tactics to get what they want.  It's just that I do have sympathy for people who are misunderstood, or just plain clumsy. Mainly because I've been on the sharp end of that stick once or twice myself. Not that it traumatised me or anything, but still, . . . . . *shuts up* 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

You are completely correct that testing boundaries is a normal part of daily interaction. However, trying to override someone else's "no" IS disrespectful, and it's VITAL for the person with poor boundaries to consciously start recognizing that so they can become able to strengthen their own "no" rather than second-guess it and allow it to be overridden. That is how they can earn the respect of the tester, and also how they can train themselves to recognize and respond appropriately to other people's boundaries. Overcorrection in the form of overreaction is normal at first, and eventually the person with newly-empowered boundary recognition and enforcement skills finds an equilibrium wherein they automatically react appropriately to transgressions.

It is also absolutely vital, IMO, to mentally frame the boundary-pushing as "rude" and "disrespectful", because it allows permission for the person with poor boundaries to be equally rude and disrespectful. That's important, because people who have been abused have learned to respect other people, even strangers, more than they respect themselves. They rarely recognize low levels of disrespect when they see it. Re-labeling these boundary tests as disrespect (and trying to override someone else's "no" is ALWAYS disrespect, even though it is socially typical) teaches the abused person with poor boundaries that the other person has initiated the rudeness, and that it is socially acceptable to respond with escalating barriers until the other person respects them.

If you see a pretty girl at a bar and ask if you can buy her a drink, and she says "That's really nice, I'm flattered, but no thanks, I'm fine" you have approached, and asked. This is the initial boundary test. She responded with a soft no, defining her boundary. You can either choose to respect that particular boundary, and either walk away or ask her a different question that tests a different boundary ("do you mind if I sit here?") or you choose not to respect it by pushing on it; "No, really, I insist... bartender, put her next drink on my tab".

Pushing boundaries is an age-old dominance game, and it is perfectly normal. Where it breaks down for people who have been abused is that they fail to recognize it as a "push", and they don't push back until they've been backed into a corner... if at all. By then, the aggressor has developed a sense of entitlement, granted by the other person's "permission" via acceptance of their behavior, and may be stunned, hurt, and even angry by being thwarted.

The most dangerous people are also the people who push the most. It's a quick and easy unconscious test to see if someone will accept having their "no" overridden.

[BadBeast]

Yeah, I totally get that Nigel, and agree completely. Someone's defence mechanisms remaining up and running are far more important than someone else's momentarily hurt feelings. I was more concerned about the self esteem issues not getting eroded, by someone telling people that a "rude nasty bitch (probably a lezza too) just gave them a gobful" when all they did was tried to buy them a drink. You know what drunk people whose egos are really rather oversensitive get like, when they get a knockback. All "poor me, poor me, pour me another drink". (But that's a different issue for another day) 

God grant me the serenity . . . *yawns*"   

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Once the boundary issues are addressed, self-esteem rises, so that's not really much of an issue, pragmatically speaking. If anything, having a guy go off on you because you rebuffed him reinforces that you made the right choice.

And I could give a shit about the feelings of the sod who keeps pushing after being told no once.

[navkat]

By "retraining", when I said "No one really understands it, and very few are even studying it", I was specifically referring to the mechanism and process by which the physical damage to the brain caused by neglect and abuse can be reversed, but other than that I agree with your post 100%.

I would also add that one of the most important things you can learn is to not be afraid of "seeming rude". People who have been abused, whether emotionally or physically, tend to be much nicer and more forgiving of transgressive behavior than people who haven't, and this sends the wrong message to people looking to take advantage. This goes all the way to subtle, automatic things like smiling at people you don't really want to approach you, or letting a man sit at your table when you'd really rather he leave you alone. I'm learning that anytime anyone tries to test my initial "no thank you", that is a person who needs to be kicked in the face. If you say "No, that's OK" and they say "Really, I insist" THEY ARE CROSSING YOUR BOUNDARIES, and it is a guarantee that they will continue to do so. That's your cue to put down a harder line, and since they have already disrespected you, you need have no fear of being rude. Likewise with anyone who tries to guilt, wheedle, or strongarm you into anything you've expressed reluctance to do. Learn to recognize that for what it is... a disrespectful pushing of your boundaries... and you will fairly quickly find that kind of people exiting your life, as they go off in search of people who are easier to pressure and manipulate.

Be rude, be a jerk, better yet, laugh in their faces... it doesn't matter as long as you learn to enforce your "no".

Every single person in my life has tried to convince me that I'm either a bitch, rude or unstable for:
1. standing up for myself
2. telling the undesirable truth.
3. making "faces" and having a shitty attitude when I disagree but keep my mouth shut and comply.

Furthermore, my mother, in order to live with the fact that her husband was beating the fuck out of her children had to re-write history and impresses upon everyone the following lies:
1. I was "a handful" as a child (Colicky baby that screamed until age two, "hyper" and "disobedient" until 13 and "unstable," "selfish" and "stubborn" with a "warped view of reality" as a teen who'd started running away from home. I needed "discipline."
2. "Punishment doesn't work, The only thing she understands is being hit."
3. "Her father could get a little rough sometimes but she's a bitter, hateful young lady who prefers to feel like a victim for attention instead of learning how to forgive and move on. She also has a twisted view of how bad it really was."
4. "She refuses to see what she did as a child to cause her father to react that way. From the age of two she's been pushing buttons and blames everyone but herself for the consequences. She needs to learn how to accept her half of the responsibility and apologize but she's too defiant and selfish to admit her share."

Did I ever mention my mother made my sister drop out of school at age 16 to stay home and care for my then-infant brother? Her warped excuse? That my sister was "defiant" and was purposely flunking out to cost my mother money and make her have to take off work to go to the school. That it was "costing her time and money we couldn't afford to continue to play this little mind-game with Gina."

She was sixteen.

My father's anger had little rhyme or reason to me. I've never been good at recognizing patterns in people's behavior and so what set him off versus what could placate him seemed random. I found myself "taking guesses" at stuff I could apologize for and "digging deep" to find things I did or was doing wrong which were inconsiderate, offensive or evil and show that I was trying to turn it around and make an effort to be good.

My sister learned how to be the bitch, and I learned avoidance. I learned not to look anyone in the eyes, to soften every request with a nervous giggle so as to make it clear that I'm not being spoiled or pushy. I learned to apologize for things that aren't my fault or for inconveniencing others by asking them (nicely!) to do what they're supposed to be doing anyway. I learned to accept partial responsibility for the things people do to hurt me and to actively seek out things I did wrong to accept personal responsibility for my end of a "butterfly effect." I learned to see others as the victims of my behavior...my haphazard and inept interactions with them. I will often volunteer an apology even if I didn't actually do anything...will apologize for creating the perception that I did something through my own clumsiness or impulsiveness.

This has been going on so long, I don't even know who I am.

I don't know how to break myself of this. I go into every relationship under the assumption I have to "prove myself" benevolent and then, if there's something they're not 100% happy with, I have to do something immediately to show that I'm taking necessary steps to address their disfavor and fix it. I have to really trust someone not to judge me or accuse me or twist me into a "bad girl" to be even the least bit willful or assertive, and even then, I'm cautious. It takes me time to process things and figure out how I really feel and what's truly right/ wrong, fair/unfair. I constantly re-check myself and think "Well, maybe it is my fault after all. Maybe their argument is right and my perception is just too warped for me to see it. Maybe I should re-examine and figure out what I'm doing wrong."

I have no problems being angry and showing dissent when it comes to matters outside of my relationships: I will rail against injustices and fight fiercely for others but when it comes to private stuff, I'm always looking to see what I'm supposed to be doing to make myself smaller and less invasive...so afraid to ask for what I want.

I need to find someplace to start: start building my balls back up, one area at a time. Figure out one thing to put my foot down about and practice. Then the next and so on.

Meantime, I try to surround myself with the antithesis of this mental prison...to hyper-expose myself to people who are mentally free and a good influence on me and to situations where rationale, liberty and easy honesty rule...where guilt is non-existent and apology unnecessary. I long for situations and relationships where I'm at liberty to make mistakes without worry of permanent or severe consequences. Where people are just as goofy and eccentric and over-the-top as I and "no harm, no foul" is the battle cry.