Rant 59: Pipe Smoke

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Rant 59
Pipe Smoke

,ÄúAnd maybe Eris was there when the smoke from his pipe wafted by. Nothing else explains the disappearance of the crock of tequila we left on the table. Needless to say, avoid watching exercise videos after White Mouse conjurations. None of this has anything to do with sand-paper.,Äù
-from the Book of the Tequila M??stica Cabal

,ÄúNever underestimate the latent powers of electricity.,Äù

The fiery ember in the bowl of my pipe glows hot tonight. As mentioned elsewhere, my pipe smokes just about anything, myself included, that it can get into its bowl. Not everyone can say that about even their dogs. Hell, not everyone can even say that about their pet prairie squid. Hell, not even hot dog buns are this voracious. But what do I know? Not only does my pipe have the basic predilection of being absolutely fucking insane for a supposedly inanimate object, its smoke seems to have twisted occult powers.

Of course in my weird chaotic life, with Eris always visiting and the White Mouse always trying to get me to listen to more of his spewage,Äîentertaining at times, annoying at others,Äîthere is no surprise to the endless stream of surreality that seems to surround me. I should have figured it would be so when I started mucking about with the occult years ago,Äîback when I thought it was all fun and games. Or when Eris discovered me.

Now don,Äôt get me wrong, I like occult things and magic as much as the next person. Well, no. That,Äôs a lie. Most people either deny occult things altogether, or run away from things of that sort faster than a latte-drinking yuppie with diarrhea would jump out of their SUV towards a bathroom. I like occult things and magic more than most people would believe is healthy (but fuck it, what do THEY know?). I like my pipe and the company it provides me with, along with the sweet nicotine buzz. And I like smoke, too much more than for anyone,Äôs good, especially for THEM. Smoke is like chaos as it swirls and twirls upwards, all the while the room gets hazy then cloudy then disappears. Smoke is the immanentizing of the eschaton.

Lately I have noticed a few ODDities that I attribute to the smoke from my pipe. For instance, the other day, I was in my little room, minding my own business, and waxing sorely vexed at the tattered remains of my community,Äôs sense of safety since the urban yahoos started going ape-shit and attacking innocents. I decided to smoke a cigarette while fantasizing about arming the populace around here with rifles. I MERELY touched my pipe with smoke, and it started to smoke on its own. Next thing I hear, several of the yahoos were arrested in a police raid,Äîcarted off to jail all the while protesting their foul treatment by the hands of the state. Coincidence? Do you still believe in coincidences? One night, I walked to a friend,Äôs house. With my pipe blazing away, hanging from my mouth, and me singing gaelic songs, I made my way there slowly and carefully, due to the increasing visibility of the thugs. But on that night, after walking and smoking for only a few moments, there were vicious police sweeps of the entire area. I even had passing squad cars shine their spot lights on me as they went by. But instead of stopping me, like they normally would, to ask what the hell I was doing out so late and what was in my pipe, they kept right on going, like dogs after hares during a coursing. On several different occasions upon smoking my pipe to the point of thick clouds wafting around me, I have received all sorts of offerings from both acquaintances and strangers,Ķofferings of more tobacco, cigarettes, bottles of tequila, beer, wine, Hare Krishna publications, and even a guitar once. Sometimes the things just appear in my room after smoking it to the high heavens. And this only from my pipe,Äôs sweet tobacco smoke.

Could this be the result of that time when I allegedly accidentally kept smoking my pipe last autumn during that chaos magic ritual? Or is it that Eris is using all the smoke as a screen for Her unusual tricks? Either way, or some other way, it,Äôs spectacularly fine by me. I have sat in a friend,Äôs car with the tank almost empty and me puffing away filling the car with pipe smoke, and somehow there was more gas than before. Perhaps it was chaos magic. Perhaps it was just an inaccurate tank gauge which somehow got corrected by the thick clouds. Hell, perhaps it was just our eyesight, and somehow the smoke corrected it. Either way, or some other, the tank did not need filling.

Thus my latest idea that not only can my pipe smoke you all, but its smoke has some weird latent occult powers that should never be underestimated. Now if I can only get the smoke to make large amounts of money to appear.

Praise Eris, mae ,Äòy mhib yn smygu!

(Bureaucracy 13th, 3170)

[Nikoli Volkoff]

I want a pipe like that, and some of what ever your smoking.. sounds like good shit.. man...