The Death Essays, Part I: Introductions

[LMNO]

I've been blocked, lately, in a creative sense.  Especially writing.  Normally, I like to crawl around in my head and see what's sticking to the walls, turn over some rocks, and sweep out the cobwebs.  But these days, I've been avoiding it.  Not consciously.  But I never seem to have the inclination, or make the time... I always had a good reason not to be writing.

But then I took a step back, and I noticed that I was almost repelled from even thinking about it.  And if I look at my current context for any recent changes in my life and/or my brain, a large and fairly substantial one was obvious.  In July, my dad died.  It was a rather long bout of Lymphoma that kept mutating faster than the chemo could wipe it out.  So yeah, that happened. 

I suppose it's in my nature not to get too outwardly emotional, other than when I'm playing the drums, or dancing.  I've always been more-or-less introverted as a default setting.  I'm not withdrawn or anything,  I'm a friendly guy, but I don't "share" my feelings or deeper thoughts all that often.  This means that while I was upset at dad's death, I didn't show very many outward signs of grief (not that I was stonefaced, either.  I wept, but I didn't break down or collapse, or anything).  Actually, that's not completely true, but we'll get into the specifics later.  Right now, I'm trying to tell you why I haven't been writing.

I think what's been happening is that the reality of dad's death is still bouncing around inside my head, and my subconscious doesn't want to touch it while digging around for ideas and thoughts.  Which means I'm avoiding the subject.  Which means I shouldn't be doing that.  And so here we are.

Through the next X number of essays, I'm going to go surfing down the cerebral cortex and grab this thing head on.  I don't know how it will turn out, but I'm pretty sure it needs to happen.  It might get depressing, it might get weird, it might very well get boring.  It'll be... Type Therapy. 

So, there's a heads-up about what I'll be doing for the next few weeks, months, or who knows how long. 

[Doktor Howl]

Looking forward to this.

It can be ugly when people drag their brain kicking and screaming into the sunlight, but it's never boring.

[Payne]

Look forward to it, Alphapance.

I tried something similar before (partly for therpeutic reasons, and partly because if someone really wanted to know what had gone down I could link them) it worked well for me and I hope it does for you.

[The Rev]

Whether you write or not, whether you show your emotions outwardly or not, I would still consider you a friend.

[Freeky]

Good luck with this, Alphapance.

[Triple Zero]

Hey LMNO it's all good. Looking forward to this, will read it all. And if you just want to talk about your dad and how much you miss him, then I'm listening as well. And if you get clogged or blocked halfway a sentence, then that's how it is (but you'll have to post the half-sentence!). Good luck man. *hugs*

[Luna]

Hope it goes well for you, man.  And, thanks for the insight...

Got a few rocks in my head to kick over, myself.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Looking forward to it man. And if you want to grab a couple of beers and talk about it you have my number.