America: An Explanation for Europeans, part II of V

[Triple Zero]

Standing in this instance means no live parking (for example- you catch a taxi at a cab stand). Unless it was in a place where cars couldnt access which would then be hilarious.

I KNEW THAT BUT I CHOSE TO MISINTERPRET CAUSE IM A FOREIGN TOURIST

[Nephew Twiddleton]

No youre not. Youre an american. You have rights. You whittle wood on porches.

[Triple Zero]

No youre not. Youre an american. You have rights. You whittle wood on porches.

except it might have been a stoop or a landing or a sidewalk!! HELP

[Freeky]

No youre not. Youre an american. You have rights. You whittle wood on porches.

except it might have been a stoop or a landing or a sidewalk!! HELP

That was definitely a porch.  I remember the picture, it made me lol so much.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

There are some GOOD things about America...

I AM THE WEAPONIZED APE!

I am the weaponized ape.  I am the spun-out bearing housing, the loose neutral, the other half of Mama Cass's ham sandwich.  I am the ghost in the machine, the sand in the gears, the last surviving meander-thal.  I run on caffeine, bourbon, and huge fucking parasitic worms, with which I destroy public toilets forever.  I ain't here to save the world, and I ain't here to wreck it.  I'm here to eat popcorn while the monkeys tear themselves apart in a whirlwind of righteous butthurt, and for this I am vilified.

And what of it?  The same people that screech at me for laughing are the same people causing the problem!  If they LIKED me, I'd have to re-examine my values.  No, I am the man behind the hate ball, the guy with the mind-control lasers, the jackass pointing out what's really going on, the fucker braying laughter and spittle in the bewildered faces of the worms that surround me.  THEY don't understand what went wrong, because THEY can't admit that THEIR OWN ACTIONS OR INACTIONS MADE THIS MESS!  I, on the other hand, understand DOOM...And I hope you do, too, brothers & sisters.

THEY don't understand, and I don't EXPECT them to understand.  Let them ignore their stupid decisions and complacency, and blame it all on MY BAD ATTITUDE...The results will be the same.  Their mortgages will go upside down, their jobs will go to Malaysia, and their kids will turn to drugs, while these idiots PRAY FOR A SOLUTION. 

Think on that a minute...Put yourself in God's shoes.  Here's all these primates, right, and you gave them opposable thumbs and a brain designed for engineering, and a great big fucking planet to live on.  So the first thing they do is write universal rules that are designed to make them miserable.  Then they breed like flies.  Then they take a perfectly functional golden goose and have Goldman-Sachs slice it open from asshole to breakfast, looking for all the golden eggs.  THEN, they insist that all these things are NECESSARY, and that the problem is that they didn't do it ENOUGH...And then they pray to YOU to come unfuck everything, while they are continuing their efforts to find new and better ways to fuck everything some more.

Is it any wonder that God hasn't said a word in 2000+ years?  Would you?  Hell, no, he's probably off starting over somewhere with a species that doesn't START OUT by throwing shit at each other.  But where ever he is, we're here.  I'm here.  A 240 pound monkey with projectile weapons and motorized transport...I am the Weaponized Ape.

Or Kill Me

Killer rant.

[Juana]

Wonderful!

[Epimetheus]

If they LIKED me, I'd have to re-examine my values.

Fucking righteous, Rev.