America: An Explanation for Europeans, part II of V

[The Good Reverend Roger]

There are some GOOD things about America...

I AM THE WEAPONIZED APE!

I am the weaponized ape.  I am the spun-out bearing housing, the loose neutral, the other half of Mama Cass's ham sandwich.  I am the ghost in the machine, the sand in the gears, the last surviving meander-thal.  I run on caffeine, bourbon, and huge fucking parasitic worms, with which I destroy public toilets forever.  I ain't here to save the world, and I ain't here to wreck it.  I'm here to eat popcorn while the monkeys tear themselves apart in a whirlwind of righteous butthurt, and for this I am vilified.

And what of it?  The same people that screech at me for laughing are the same people causing the problem!  If they LIKED me, I'd have to re-examine my values.  No, I am the man behind the hate ball, the guy with the mind-control lasers, the jackass pointing out what's really going on, the fucker braying laughter and spittle in the bewildered faces of the worms that surround me.  THEY don't understand what went wrong, because THEY can't admit that THEIR OWN ACTIONS OR INACTIONS MADE THIS MESS!  I, on the other hand, understand DOOM...And I hope you do, too, brothers & sisters.

THEY don't understand, and I don't EXPECT them to understand.  Let them ignore their stupid decisions and complacency, and blame it all on MY BAD ATTITUDE...The results will be the same.  Their mortgages will go upside down, their jobs will go to Malaysia, and their kids will turn to drugs, while these idiots PRAY FOR A SOLUTION.  

Think on that a minute...Put yourself in God's shoes.  Here's all these primates, right, and you gave them opposable thumbs and a brain designed for engineering, and a great big fucking planet to live on.  So the first thing they do is write universal rules that are designed to make them miserable.  Then they breed like flies.  Then they take a perfectly functional golden goose and have Goldman-Sachs slice it open from asshole to breakfast, looking for all the golden eggs.  THEN, they insist that all these things are NECESSARY, and that the problem is that they didn't do it ENOUGH...And then they pray to YOU to come unfuck everything, while they are continuing their efforts to find new and better ways to fuck everything some more.

Is it any wonder that God hasn't said a word in 2000+ years?  Would you?  Hell, no, he's probably off starting over somewhere with a species that doesn't START OUT by throwing shit at each other.  But where ever he is, we're here.  I'm here.  A 240 pound monkey with projectile weapons and motorized transport...I am the Weaponized Ape.

Or Kill Me

[LMNO]

PREACH.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Damn dude

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Well, the GOOD thing about America is also one of the things that both horrifies and fascinates many Europeans...The inherent insanity under the thin veneer of puritanical crap that we smear all over ourselves. For every 10 Americans today, there are 3 religious nuts, 2 hippies, 4 couch tumors, and 1 maniac cackling like a fiend while he does something stupid & irresponsible.  That one maniac exists solely to redeem the other 9 yahoos, for is it not written "Speed limits are just suggestions, and we still have bourbon & shotgun shells"?

There's a reason that a small percentage of frontiersmen "went native".  They were more interested in what the plains tribes were up to than in what the folks back home were doing...Which is to say, drinking and fucking and fighting, just because they had a head full of bad wiring and THE FUCKING WALL to find.  This also explains the Old West, which is of course still active today (we don't call it the Wild West anymore, because places like Compton are superficially different from Tombstone & Silverbell).

The short & skinny is, there's a fraction of any population that just can't get along, just can't put on the scratchy shirt for church on Sunday, that doesn't want to die in bed.  Europe sent them all over here, and the worst of them killed themselves off, thus weakening - but not eliminating - the strain.

Europe made us, the Big Empty refined us, and then most of us got fat, lazy, and self-righteous when we filled the Big Empty up.  Some of us, though, still remember that wall, and that Saturday night, and it is up to us to ensure that America still provides at least SOME value to the species. 

[Luna]

Hell, yes.

[Triple Zero]

RAH! Real glad to see this series continued!

for is it not written "Speed limits are just suggestions, and we still have bourbon & shotgun shells"?

When I was in NYC, it was written "NO STANDING ANY TIME" and "UNNECESSARY NOISE PROHIBITED".

I'm 169% sure they were indeed just suggestions because I saw loads of people standing all the time and the noise ... well it might have been necessary or otherwise there wouldn't be so much of it, right?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

RAH! Real glad to see this series continued!

for is it not written "Speed limits are just suggestions, and we still have bourbon & shotgun shells"?

When I was in NYC, it was written "NO STANDING ANY TIME" and "UNNECESSARY NOISE PROHIBITED".

I'm 169% sure they were indeed just suggestions because I saw loads of people standing all the time and the noise ... well it might have been necessary or otherwise there wouldn't be so much of it, right?

Fact is, NYC spends money on signs so that New Yorkers will have something else to ignore, or perhaps smear shit on.

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

I fucking LOVE this!!

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Standing in this instance means no live parking (for example- you catch a taxi at a cab stand). Unless it was in a place where cars couldnt access which would then be hilarious.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Standing in this instance means no live parking (for example- you catch a taxi at a cab stand). Unless it was in a place where cars couldnt access which would then be hilarious.

Back when I was in Illinois, we had "no loitering" signs up in the parks.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

In parks? You mean grassy places that are designed for the specific purpose of loitering?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Standing in this instance means no live parking (for example- you catch a taxi at a cab stand). Unless it was in a place where cars couldnt access which would then be hilarious.

Back when I was in Illinois, we had "no loitering" signs up in the parks.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA

[LMNO]

Standing in this instance means no live parking (for example- you catch a taxi at a cab stand). Unless it was in a place where cars couldnt access which would then be hilarious.

Back when I was in Illinois, we had "no loitering" signs up in the parks.

Let me guess:  Anti-cruising measures?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

In parks? You mean grassy places that are designed for the specific purpose of loitering?

Yep.

Standing in this instance means no live parking (for example- you catch a taxi at a cab stand). Unless it was in a place where cars couldnt access which would then be hilarious.

Back when I was in Illinois, we had "no loitering" signs up in the parks.

Let me guess:  Anti-cruising measures?

Anti-teenager measures.  They fucking HATE teenagers there.  NO ANYTHING, EVER.  No biking.  No skateboarding.  No dance halls.  No music.  No rollerblading.

HEY, KIDS!  THERE ARE PLENTY OF ALTERNATIVES TO DRUGS!  BUT THEY'RE ALL ILLEGAL TOO, AND IT'S EASIER TO GET CAUGHT.  SO SMOKE UP!

[Freeky]

The whole thing is so very true.  Awesome.