DOC HOWL: Regarding the Guido Tithe

[Richter]

They say the natives GAVE Roger Williams Providence since it was one place they were sure no one would starve. 

Then, of course, whitey broke it. 

While guido did abound, especially during this, one of their high holidays (the celebration of an ancestor who, much like them, couldn't do trig so well.), it was an absolute nightmare filtering it.  A quart jar full of sand, aluminum fillings, and iron dust from the chemistry days came to mind.  Guiney, daygo, and guido were abundant, but mixed.  (If we stretch the metaphor, "Fuck you dooshbag" is analagous to the function of a magnet.  I've filed this fact for educating any juggalos I encounter.)

You get the idea though.  Wheat and chaff, sheep and goats, sorting out the ones who could shake down the fuck arounds from the ones who would crumple like tin foil and cry was a logistically unfeasible issue.  One could go to the local established services for this, but they are mostly interested in running restaurants and keeping peace in place if the overtaxed police these days.  (Christ on a stick, even the mob is run ragged in some aspects.  This is what we have come to!)

Needless to say, the sample I took fainted dead away at the sight of the shipping container I arranged.  Half thought they were fodder for a snuff porn and fainted, the other half assumed they were there to do the snuffing, and became too skittish to use.  I really could have planned it all better.

Irregardless, I have a reputation to uphold.  While you may not have guidos, I am recalling some horrible dessert pigs, rife with scabies and parasites.  Harness many of these together like a dogsled team, don some skis, and set them on the lax.  As they pull you behind, you will can belabor the survivors at will with saber, whip, or stick.  This is foolproof and perfectly safe ^tm until you run out of targets in their line of sight.

I trust your wisdom in when to let the team loose and break into a verse or five of "Born Free"

Hork BArf Spit.
Richter

[Golden Applesauce]

They say the natives GAVE Roger Williams Providence since it was one place they were sure no one would starve. 

Then, of course, whitey broke it. 

While guido did abound, especially during this, one of their high holidays (the celebration of an ancestor who, much like them, couldn't do trig so well.), it was an absolute nightmare filtering it.  A quart jar full of sand, aluminum fillings, and iron dust from the chemistry days came to mind.  Guiney, daygo, and guido were abundant, but mixed.  (If we stretch the metaphor, "Fuck you dooshbag" is analagous to the function of a magnet.  I've filed this fact for educating any juggalos I encounter.)

You get the idea though.  Wheat and chaff, sheep and goats, sorting out the ones who could shake down the fuck arounds from the ones who would crumple like tin foil and cry was a logistically unfeasible issue.  One could go to the local established services for this, but they are mostly interested in running restaurants and keeping peace in place if the overtaxed police these days.  (Christ on a stick, even the mob is run ragged in some aspects.  This is what we have come to!)

Needless to say, the sample I took fainted dead away at the sight of the shipping container I arranged.  Half thought they were fodder for a snuff porn and fainted, the other half assumed they were there to do the snuffing, and became too skittish to use.  I really could have planned it all better.

Irregardless, I have a reputation to uphold.  While you may not have guidos, I am recalling some horrible dessert pigs, rife with scabies and parasites.  Harness many of these together like a dogsled team, don some skis, and set them on the lax.  As they pull you behind, you will can belabor the survivors at will with saber, whip, or stick.  This is foolproof and perfectly safe ^tm until you run out of targets in their line of sight.

I trust your wisdom in when to let the team loose and break into a verse or five of "Born Free"

Hork BArf Spit.
Richter

What is a guido?

[Suu]

A young, greasy, overstyled, over tanned Italian-American.

See also: Jersey Shore.

-Suu
Can get pretty damn tan, but doesn't seem to manufacture that much grease.

[Doktor Howl]

They say the natives GAVE Roger Williams Providence since it was one place they were sure no one would starve. 

Then, of course, whitey broke it. 

While guido did abound, especially during this, one of their high holidays (the celebration of an ancestor who, much like them, couldn't do trig so well.), it was an absolute nightmare filtering it.  A quart jar full of sand, aluminum fillings, and iron dust from the chemistry days came to mind.  Guiney, daygo, and guido were abundant, but mixed.  (If we stretch the metaphor, "Fuck you dooshbag" is analagous to the function of a magnet.  I've filed this fact for educating any juggalos I encounter.)

You get the idea though.  Wheat and chaff, sheep and goats, sorting out the ones who could shake down the fuck arounds from the ones who would crumple like tin foil and cry was a logistically unfeasible issue.  One could go to the local established services for this, but they are mostly interested in running restaurants and keeping peace in place if the overtaxed police these days.  (Christ on a stick, even the mob is run ragged in some aspects.  This is what we have come to!)

Needless to say, the sample I took fainted dead away at the sight of the shipping container I arranged.  Half thought they were fodder for a snuff porn and fainted, the other half assumed they were there to do the snuffing, and became too skittish to use.  I really could have planned it all better.

Irregardless, I have a reputation to uphold.  While you may not have guidos, I am recalling some horrible dessert pigs, rife with scabies and parasites.  Harness many of these together like a dogsled team, don some skis, and set them on the lax.  As they pull you behind, you will can belabor the survivors at will with saber, whip, or stick.  This is foolproof and perfectly safe ^tm until you run out of targets in their line of sight.

I trust your wisdom in when to let the team loose and break into a verse or five of "Born Free"

Hork BArf Spit.
Richter

What is a guido?

In honor of this question, I give you all 3 new emotes:

[Doktor Howl]

Proper response to Richter tomorrow morning, as you know, pills here and shit.

[Telarus]

Code Select Expand

:cramulus:
:cluephone:
:america:

HAHAHAHAHA

[Doktor Howl]

They say the natives GAVE Roger Williams Providence since it was one place they were sure no one would starve. 

Then, of course, whitey broke it. 

While guido did abound, especially during this, one of their high holidays (the celebration of an ancestor who, much like them, couldn't do trig so well.), it was an absolute nightmare filtering it.  A quart jar full of sand, aluminum fillings, and iron dust from the chemistry days came to mind.  Guiney, daygo, and guido were abundant, but mixed.  (If we stretch the metaphor, "Fuck you dooshbag" is analagous to the function of a magnet.  I've filed this fact for educating any juggalos I encounter.)

You get the idea though.  Wheat and chaff, sheep and goats, sorting out the ones who could shake down the fuck arounds from the ones who would crumple like tin foil and cry was a logistically unfeasible issue.  One could go to the local established services for this, but they are mostly interested in running restaurants and keeping peace in place if the overtaxed police these days.  (Christ on a stick, even the mob is run ragged in some aspects.  This is what we have come to!)

Needless to say, the sample I took fainted dead away at the sight of the shipping container I arranged.  Half thought they were fodder for a snuff porn and fainted, the other half assumed they were there to do the snuffing, and became too skittish to use.  I really could have planned it all better.

Irregardless, I have a reputation to uphold.  While you may not have guidos, I am recalling some horrible dessert pigs, rife with scabies and parasites.  Harness many of these together like a dogsled team, don some skis, and set them on the lax.  As they pull you behind, you will can belabor the survivors at will with saber, whip, or stick.  This is foolproof and perfectly safe ^tm until you run out of targets in their line of sight.

I trust your wisdom in when to let the team loose and break into a verse or five of "Born Free"

Hork BArf Spit.
Richter

Okay, you East coast schyster, we had a DEAL.  YOU provide the Guidos, and I send you Rascal scooters taken from teabaggers who can't be trusted driving them.  No questions asked on either side.

The last shipment you sent me was a crate full of asphyxiated bronies.  This is useless to me.  I know Guidos can survive for days breathing their own farts, but you could have at least put airholes in that crate.  What am I going to do with a half-dozen dead Con geeks?

I'm about to invoke the penalty clause.  You know what THAT means...Oh, yes.  Dark Empress Nigel holding a croquet mallet and some raw produce.  I can hear you now, "Please, Empress, hammer that yam right up into my guts!  May I have another?"

Do you want that sort of bad ugnliness happening to your colon?  No.

So send the Guidos, already.

[Richter]

I don't know what high desert blenderbator you whacked off thinking it was holding up your end of the bargain but that WEREN'T no little rascal.  Nigel and a night of root vegetable force trauma induced corpormesis would have been PREFFERABLE to what rolled out of the crate you sent.  Even the Smithsonian has limits, you know.  (I asked them)

AS for the bronies, they were guidos when I started.  I had to cut in for space with one of Dimo's shipments to get it out to you on time.  I guess one America length of "Friendship is magic" videos have properties that are, in fact, making Darwin spin in his selected grave.

Anyways.  THE FUCKING SCOOTER.  I'm all dressed up, resplendent in my Tesla coil strap on rig, and I have no chariot to bear me forth to EMP fuck servers, monuments, and public infrastructure.  It's NO GOOD unless LAdy liberty is shooting ligthning from her tits thanks to my machiniacal ministrations.

For the Emperor.
Richter

[Doktor Howl]

I don't know what high desert blenderbator you whacked off thinking it was holding up your end of the bargain but that WEREN'T no little rascal.  Nigel and a night of root vegetable force trauma induced corpormesis would have been PREFFERABLE to what rolled out of the crate you sent.  Even the Smithsonian has limits, you know.  (I asked them)

It was a Rascal.  They have to be modified for the extra weight, and they need gripper arms so the fat fuckers can get things off the top shelves.  Last time one of them tried to get ME to fetch their fucking donuts - in what I assume the individual thought was an imperious tone, I lashed them to a light pole with strips of wet rawhide and threw gravel at them while reciting verse from the Book of Daniel.  Fuckers.

AS for the bronies, they were guidos when I started.  I had to cut in for space with one of Dimo's shipments to get it out to you on time.  I guess one America length of "Friendship is magic" videos have properties that are, in fact, making Darwin spin in his selected grave.

What happens at your end is your problem.  When I accept a shipment, I expect it to match the bill of lading.  We are fucking PROFESSIONALS here, Richter, and I'm not getting shafted by some East coast elitist, with your berets and your $50 cigars.  No.  This is not my first rodeo.

Anyways.  THE FUCKING SCOOTER.  I'm all dressed up, resplendent in my Tesla coil strap on rig, and I have no chariot to bear me forth to EMP fuck servers, monuments, and public infrastructure.  It's NO GOOD unless LAdy liberty is shooting ligthning from her tits thanks to my machiniacal ministrations.

I fail to see your complaint.  The thing had 400 HP and big fucking robot arms.  What the hell were you expecting?  If you want a Dalek, say so, and I'll see what I can do.

Now get me those Goddamn guidos, or I'll let these fat bastards roll down to where the oxygen is thick, ie, where you are.  Let you try dealing with The Fatass of the Baskervilles, yeah?

Okay for now,
Dok

[Luna]

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

  Oh fuck!

[Suu]

*sigh*

I guess I'll be the bait again.

-Suu
off to hit the tanning beds, wearing yellow gold.

[Richter]

I'll send more as soon as Suu is ready.  This will give me a chance to try out the "Stun" setting on 'Bessie too.


...and the damn Rascal didn't arrive with extra maechanical arms.  If It had I'd be walking it up to the statue of Moroni screaming "Get away from her you BITCH."  No, it had two dachsunds stapled to it by unfortunate "parts".  I know this is not the work of any good Doktor.  The mail service has never quite forgiven me for the bulk chainmail order I placed via flat rate...

[Doktor Howl]

I'll send more as soon as Suu is ready.  This will give me a chance to try out the "Stun" setting on 'Bessie too.


...and the damn Rascal didn't arrive with extra maechanical arms.  If It had I'd be walking it up to the statue of Moroni screaming "Get away from her you BITCH."  No, it had two dachsunds stapled to it by unfortunate "parts".  I know this is not the work of any good Doktor.  The mail service has never quite forgiven me for the bulk chainmail order I placed via flat rate...

I warned you about this shit, Richter.  Hyenas run the planet!  You and I, sir, you and I...We are merely men, though granted we are armed with cattle prods and dart guns that can spike a hyena's skull at 100 ft without making a sound.

You get what you grab,
Dok