Crap Joke thread.

[BadBeast]

Two boys were walking through a wood when they come across a large pile of rabbit poo. One of them says:
"What's that?" The other replies:
"If you eat it, it'll make you smarter." So the lad scoops a handful and chews on it.
"This tastes like absolute crap" he splutters.
"See, you're smarter already" replies the other.



A man isn't feeling too well, so he goes to the hospital. They run some tests, then the doctor comes to see him to discuss the results.

"I'm afraid I've got some bad news - you're dying, and you haven't got long left"

The man is distraught.

"how long have I got?" he asks.

"Ten," says the doctor.

"Ten what? Months? Weeks?" asks the frantic patient. The doctor sadly shakes his head.

"Nine...."





A family of gypsies die in a terrible accident and end up stood outside the Pearly Gates. They knock a few times and St Peter comes to the gates to answer.

"Hello!" says one of the gypsies, "Can you let us in please?"

"Oh I dunno" says St Peter. "I'll have to go and ask"

So off goes St Peter to have a word with God.

"God, there's some gypsies at the Gates and I don't know whether to let them in or not. There's a few black marks against their names and I'm not convinced they're going to fit in here."

"Ah" says God "Everyone deserves a chance to enter the Kingdom of Heaven and redeem themselves following death. Especially after such a trauma."

So St Peter goes back to the gates to have a word with the gypsies and soon runs back looking extremely hot and bothered to see God..

"They've gone!!"

"Who?" says God, "the gypsies?"

"No!! The Pearly fucking Gates!"




A woman was in a coma for several months. One day the nurses noticed a slight response whilst washing her vagina. They rushed to her husband and explained , suggesting oral sex may bring her round to which he agreed. A few moments later the nurses were alerted by the alarm from her room. The monitor had flat lined and there was no pulse..." what happened !!" they cried...the husband replies " I'm not sure, I think she may have choked ...."



Q: Why did the good lord give women thrush?
A: To teach them how to live with an irritating cunt before they marry one.


Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, me feet are freeing mate, could you nip upstairs & get me slippers? No Bother he says & runs upstairs, & there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their bed. "Hello der girls, ur dad sent me up here the shag ya both". "Fuck off ya liar" they said, "I'll prove it" says murphy. So he shouts down the staris, "both of them Pat"? "Course, what the use of fucking one of them".

[BadBeast]

"What do we want?"
"A cure for Tourettes"
"When do we want it?"
"Cunts!"

Q:How many Tourette's sufferers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:Fuck Off!

[BadBeast]

A midget waddles into the library and asks,
"Have you got a book on Irony?"
The librarian says,
"Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."



With hindsight I should have posted my facebook status as: "I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford" rather than "I've just fucked a 13 year old Escort".

Still, I don't get out much and a few hours at the police station made a change... 

[Rumckle]

 

[Freeky]

Two guys walk into a bar.



The third ducks.

[BadBeast]

A Duck walks into a bar. The Barman says "What can I get you to drink?"
The Duck says "Don't be ridiculous, I'm a fucking Duck"!

[Cainad (dec.)]

What happened when the cow tried to jump over the barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A stick.

Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it?

A. A stick.

Q. What do you call a car without an automatic transmission?

A. A stick.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I moustache you a question... no, never mind, I'll shave it for later.

[rong]

what's brown and rhymes with snoop?




Dr. Dre

[Triple Zero]

Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A stick.

This is the best joke.

[rong]

what's blue and sticky?

a blue stick.


what's green and smells like paint?

green paint.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A stick.

This is the best joke.

It is MY FAVORITE JOKE OF ALL TIME.

[The Wizard Joseph]

Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A stick.

This is the best joke.

It is MY FAVORITE JOKE OF ALL TIME.

Agreed!!


Once there was a man who had true faith in God.  The Almighty saw fit to send a terrible storm to his region and the place started to flood very quickly.  He had to take shelter on the roof of his house.  Eventually a man in a rowboat came by and offered to take him to safety.  The man replied, "No, the Lord will save me!"

Soon, the water rose even higher and the storm got worse.  Eventually the water was up to the top of the rain gutters.  A motorboat full of refugees came by and offered to take him to safety, they had room for just one more.  The man replied "No! Go save someone else! 
The Lord will save me!"

The waters eventually reached the top of the roof.  An emergency helicopter came and hovered over the house with a ladder down  The crew beckoned him urgently, but man looked up at the rescuers and said, "Don't worry, I know the Lord will save me!"  The storm soon got so bad that the helicopter crew could not stick around and try to reason with him.  The waters eventually washed the man off his roof and he died horribly.

When he got to heaven he demanded an audience with God and made such a fuss that it was soon granted.
He asked God, "WHY? Why didn't you save me Lord?  I've always believed in you!"
God said, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter you idiot!"

[Payne]

One day, Trix registered at PD.

Things didn't go well.