Author Topic: Crap Joke thread.  (Read 5033 times)

BadBeast

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Crap Joke thread.
« on: October 31, 2011, 12:08:08 pm »
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."



eta; Come on, everybody knows one. . . . . . . One Imperial Fuckton of comedy kudos for the crappest joke.


« Last Edit: October 31, 2011, 12:09:47 pm by BadBeast »
"We need a plane for Bombing, Strafing, Assault and Battery, Interception, Ground Support, and Reconaissance,
NOT JUST A "FAIR WEATHER FIGHTER"!

"I kinda like him. It's like he sees inside my soul" ~ Nigel


Whoever puts their hand on me to govern me, is a usurper, and a tyrant, and I declare them my enemy!

"And when the clouds obscure the moon, and normal service is resumed. It wont. Mean. A. Thing"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpkCJDYxH-4

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

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Re: Crap Joke thread.
« Reply #1 on: October 31, 2011, 12:16:11 pm »
One of my best friends is a lawyer.

Christ, what an asshole.
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


Faust

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Re: Crap Joke thread.
« Reply #2 on: October 31, 2011, 04:03:39 pm »
It's you. You are the crap joke.
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rong

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Re: Crap Joke thread.
« Reply #3 on: October 31, 2011, 04:13:45 pm »
diarrhea
"he was a smart feller who felt smart"

Fractalbeard

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Re: Crap Joke thread.
« Reply #4 on: October 31, 2011, 04:51:49 pm »
What's sour, yellow, and equivalent to the axiom of choice? Zorn's Lemon.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insuficiently advanced.

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: Crap Joke thread.
« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2011, 07:15:12 pm »
When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.


How many Erisians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least 2, but the real question is how did they wind up in a light bulb in the fist place?


There was once a player down on his luck sitting at a table in a bar.  He happens to see a beautiful "Perfect 10" woman sitting at the bar as a hideous man walks up and sits down next to her.  Their backs were to him, and all he could see was the man lean in, the woman go flush, and they soon leave together.  Stunned, the player goes up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Hey man, did you see that hottie leave with that ugly motherfucker?  What the hell did he say!?"  The bartender just shrugs and says, "Not much, he just sort of sat down and started licking his eyebrows."
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

"You program the controller to do the thing, only it doesn't do the thing.  It does something else entirely, or nothing at all.  It's like voting."
- Billy, Aug 21st, 2019

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BadBeast

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Re: Crap Joke thread.
« Reply #6 on: October 31, 2011, 09:08:30 pm »
SO Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

What's blue and green and doesn't fit any more?
A dead epileptic.

How may perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One - but it takes an expert medical team to remove it afterwards.



A man was driving along the road in Germany when a car overtook him. He saw the driver and thought "Wow! that looks like Hitler, and the other
guys look like Goebels, Hess and Goerring!".
So he follows the car, and when it pulls in to a garage, he follows them. He walks over to the car and says "'Scuse me, but you look like Hitler,
and the others are familiar too".
The driver of the car replied, "Yes, i'm Hitler's grandson, and these are the grandsons of Goebles, Hess and Goerring".
The man says "Wow! But, why the uniforms, lads?"
To which the Hitler grandson replied "We are starting the Fourth Reich!".
"What will you do?" asked the man.
"We are going to kill 80 million Jews and 4 Postmen".
The man replied. "4 Postmen? Why?",
Whereupon Goebels leans over to Hess and said " See? I told you they wouldn't give a fuck about the Jews!"

"We need a plane for Bombing, Strafing, Assault and Battery, Interception, Ground Support, and Reconaissance,
NOT JUST A "FAIR WEATHER FIGHTER"!

"I kinda like him. It's like he sees inside my soul" ~ Nigel


Whoever puts their hand on me to govern me, is a usurper, and a tyrant, and I declare them my enemy!

"And when the clouds obscure the moon, and normal service is resumed. It wont. Mean. A. Thing"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpkCJDYxH-4

Triple Zero

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Re: Crap Joke thread.
« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2011, 09:39:28 pm »
I liked the latter one better when it was Britney Spears.
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BadBeast

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Re: Crap Joke thread.
« Reply #8 on: October 31, 2011, 09:57:58 pm »
I liked the latter one better when it was Britney Spears.
Haven't heard that one, but "insert celebrity or job of choice" covers it.

eta: Even 4 Wiccans.
"We need a plane for Bombing, Strafing, Assault and Battery, Interception, Ground Support, and Reconaissance,
NOT JUST A "FAIR WEATHER FIGHTER"!

"I kinda like him. It's like he sees inside my soul" ~ Nigel


Whoever puts their hand on me to govern me, is a usurper, and a tyrant, and I declare them my enemy!

"And when the clouds obscure the moon, and normal service is resumed. It wont. Mean. A. Thing"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpkCJDYxH-4

Rococo Modem Basilisk

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Re: Crap Joke thread.
« Reply #9 on: October 31, 2011, 10:45:13 pm »
Q: How many lojban speakers does it take to fix a broken light bulb?
A: Sixty four. One to remove the old bulb, and sixty three to argue on the mailing list about what variety of bulb emits broken light.

A blonde walks into a bar. She has to be taken away by an ambulance, because head injuries are very serious.

An engineer, a mathematician, and an english major are each given a piece of fencing and told to produce the largest pen they can with only the fencing they have been given. The engineer makes a circle with the fencing, and then heads over to the bar for the rest of the evening. The english major, after laboriously measuring several rectangles, settles on a square. The mathematician thinks for a moment, rolls the fencing up very tightly, sticks it into the turf beside him and says "I DECLARE MYSELF INSIDE THE PEN".


I am not “full of hate” as if I were some passive container. I am a generator of hate, and my rage is a renewable resource, like sunshine.

BadBeast

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Re: Crap Joke thread.
« Reply #10 on: October 31, 2011, 11:16:33 pm »
Horse walks into a Bar. Orders a pint.
Barman says, "Why the long face"?

Two bits of string walk into a bar. Order a pint each, and go and sit down.
 "If another piece of string comes in, can you show him where we are please" they say.
"Of course" says the Barman.
Five minutes later another piece of string walks in and orders a pint.
"Your two mates are over there" says the Barman.
"Nothing to do with me" says the piece of string.
"You're a piece of string aren't you"? says the Barman.
The piece of string looks at him, and says "Frayed Knot"
"We need a plane for Bombing, Strafing, Assault and Battery, Interception, Ground Support, and Reconaissance,
NOT JUST A "FAIR WEATHER FIGHTER"!

"I kinda like him. It's like he sees inside my soul" ~ Nigel


Whoever puts their hand on me to govern me, is a usurper, and a tyrant, and I declare them my enemy!

"And when the clouds obscure the moon, and normal service is resumed. It wont. Mean. A. Thing"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpkCJDYxH-4

Rumckle

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Re: Crap Joke thread.
« Reply #11 on: October 31, 2011, 11:26:06 pm »
A white horse walks into a bar and orders a scotch.
The bartender replies, "ok, what scotch do you want, we've got several types, Johnnie Walker, Glenfiddich, Talisker, we've even got a scotch named after you"
And the horse says, "You've got a scotch called Kevin!?"
It's not trolling, it's just satire.

BadBeast

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Re: Crap Joke thread.
« Reply #12 on: November 01, 2011, 01:33:49 am »
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
"We need a plane for Bombing, Strafing, Assault and Battery, Interception, Ground Support, and Reconaissance,
NOT JUST A "FAIR WEATHER FIGHTER"!

"I kinda like him. It's like he sees inside my soul" ~ Nigel


Whoever puts their hand on me to govern me, is a usurper, and a tyrant, and I declare them my enemy!

"And when the clouds obscure the moon, and normal service is resumed. It wont. Mean. A. Thing"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpkCJDYxH-4

Bruno

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Re: Crap Joke thread.
« Reply #13 on: November 01, 2011, 06:22:44 am »
Formerly something else...

Triple Zero

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Re: Crap Joke thread.
« Reply #14 on: November 01, 2011, 10:31:08 am »
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!!



Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: The tame way, unique up on it!
Ex-Soviet Bloc Sexual Attack Swede of Tomorrow™
e-prime disclaimer: let it seem fairly unclear I understand the apparent subjectivity of the above statements. maybe.

INFORMATION SO POWERFUL, YOU ACTUALLY NEED LESS.